Monday, 30 April 2012

Get Back Bitch!

I like to think my bitchy side is rather under developed.

Bitching to me is too closely akin to bullying and there is nothing that I hate more than bullying!

That's why, when 6 weeks ago or so, I received a message on FB from a so called 'friend' of ex lax (my ex husband) entitled WTF I ignored it.

It's not the first message I've received from this person over the last couple of years and I'm not sure what their motivation is.

I don't actually know them and they are not on my friends list. 

BUT, every now and then they see fit to send me snippets of information about him that they seem to think I will be interested in.

I don't, and I will continue not to respond but I can't quite bring myself to block them because:

Yep, they make my inner bitch itch!

Who would have thought that under that pensive gaze the inner bitch was at work?  ;)

The latest one was regarding his new Girlfriend - now, I really don't have a problem with him having a girlfriend, I honestly don't and I wish them well.

Ok, slight exaggeration, I wish HER well, I don't know her and have no reason to do otherwise.

Him?  Meh, whatever ...

But I think that's probably pretty normal and fairly well adjusted of me.

So I resisted that urge to respond, to post a scathing (but slightly ambiguous status update),to  text him (and say what ffs?) or even to mention it to my closest friends who I know would have happily helped me slate the pair of them if it made me happy.

Well, it wouldn't have, it would have made me feel a little tainted and a complete bitch so I didn't.

Even the follow up news that they are now engaged I kept to myself.

(Is it me, or is it slightly bad form to get engaged not just once, but twice whilst still refusing to acknowledge divorce papers sent 3 times by your wife .... )


The only person I did mention it to was Surfer Dude.

Now he is the worlds worst person to try and have a bitch fest with (I said my inner bitch was under developed not dead you know ;).

I don't think he has a bitchy bone in his body so it was a bit on a non starter.

Sigh ...  possibly just as well.

This weekend my inner bitch has been out in full force and, as SD had made the mistake of offering to come round and help me do some stuff around the house he was unable to avoid her.

Actually, he got the full force of it because ...  well, because he was there!

It was totally unrelated to the ex lax/gf situation.

I was just having an off day.  It was pissing down with rain (I need sunshine to make me truly happy). The hamster needed cleaning out and Miss Mac has extended that rotastack so many times it's like one of those impossible to do jigsaw puzzles to get it back together, it makes my brain hurt!

In additon, whilst SD is great at helping me do little odd jobs (this weekend he has put up new blinds in my bedroom for me and filled the hole in the garden wall where I blasted off the render with the jet wash) he is a thinker and a planner.

Completely alien to me!

I am more of a go, go, GO kind of person.

Lets, just get the job done and cover up the cracks with a bit of glitter afterwards.

He actually measures things and uses a spirit level which, ok, gets it done properly but it wastes SO much time!

I think he was a little bemused, it's a side of me he hasn't ever really seen before and he was totally clueless about how to handle it.

He made the classic male mistake of asking if I had my period.


If I were under the influence of raging hormones you think trying to be empathetic isn't going to make me want to rip your head off?

'Note to any male readers - don't GO there ok?'

Eventually he gave up.

'You want to show me that message and photos?'

Hmm, well ... that MIGHT help a little ...

He is an absolute STAR!

I may not have mentioned that SD is a bit of a technophobe.

He has to use a computer for part of his work but he's a one fingered typist (I do keep offering to teach him).

He refuses to own his own computer but he has a slight addiction to ebay and so often pops over to borrow mine.

He hates my keyboard with a passion because at least 6 of the letters have worn off with use but I like it's action and anyway, I touch type so it doesn't bother me and I refuse to change it.

'Where's the fucking E' he asks me shaking his head and jabbing randomly at the keyboard.

'Next to the R' I reply.

There IS no effing R or N or T' he replies in complete frustration.

He even went out and bought a new keyboard which I refuse to use because it just doesn't feel right and anyway, watching him type pains me so much I'd rather just do it for him.

He also refuses to have a mobile phone despite having been bought at least 2 by frustrated friends as presents, they languish unloved in their boxes.

Now I kind of admire that.

There have been many occasions when I've had the urge to flush mine down the loo but I just can't bring myself to.

He is a free spirit unshackled by technology.

I've forgotten how that feels.

And so, I showed him the message and the photos and his response was very gratifying.

Is that ex lax he said (in all seriousness!!).

Umm, nooo ....

'Oh', he replied faintly shocked.

'Is that her REAL name?'

I guess so I said, lets' face it, you wouldn't make that one up would you?


And then, the Pièce de résistance:

'Click on auto correct - it might knock a few pounds off.'

I SHIT you not!!!

This was said with a perfectly straight face working on the assumption that the photo might not be giving an accurate picture and that, like red eye or colour definition, auto correct was somehow magically going to totally transform her.

Suddenly all my inner bitch exploded in hysteria.

I laughed until I cried.

Not at the photo, not at the message.

Like I said, I don't know her, I have no reason to judge her.

It would be completely wrong of me to offer any opinion based on a photo and a selection of snippets from her FB page (so what if she says things like, 'chillaxin with ma man - SO WHAT?? ;).


SD - you chased away that inner bitch with your innocence, your lack of guile and your sweet desire to step out of your comfort zone in order to cheer me up.

And, it worked ...

Well, almost ...

I have to admit that at this point I DID insert one of the photos I was sent but I've removed it again because I refuse to scrach that bitch itch.

 (this time ....  ;)


Vicky said...

gotta love someone who can bring it all into perspective even if they were deliberately intending too...

And hey, you're allowed to have a bitch. I call it venting. Bitching is when you don't acknowledge that you are actually being a bitch... so in this case you are "venting". x

Sarah said...

Yes you DO Vicky :) - I think SD was even more bemused by my mirth though - he'd kind of set himself up for a torrent of bitching (mine, not his) and that totally confused him.

I think you could be right about the difference between bitching and venting - bitching is usually slightly underhand and superior and I'm happy to be upfront and admit that I was just feeling plain nasty for a while there.

(Oh, and it might possibly have been hormonally driven but don't tell SD that ;) x

Kelloggs Ville said...

You get your period in about 3 days don't you lol. sounds like the shit hit at precisely the wrong intolerant time. I suspect a duvet weekend with SD massaging your feet probably would have been the way to go. Ps ex-lax sounds like an arsehole. Much love xxx

Sarah said...

Lol, now you see K, it's ok for YOU to say it ... just not a man ;)

Ha ha, might just suggest to SD he gives me a foot massage to see if he whips out a fully stoked pedicure kit from his van (seems to have pretty much everything else in there).

Ps - why do you think he's called ex lax ;)

Mwah xxx

Rowen said...

Rough day, but hilarious post! love your blog!

Also people who one finger type set my teeth on edge, and especially when it's people my age who've been taught since the age of about 8 how to type properly...

Sarah said...

Thanks Rowen - I'm glad it brightened your day a little :).

SD does have the excuse that he probably didn't start using a computer until after he left school but it's still not a great excuse ...

postcard pam said...

Love this, been there, done that, got the T-shirt. I am often not very Buddhistic at all, especially not about my version of the ex lax and gf!