Thursday 25 October 2012

I Heart My Body 2012


This is me.

Sarah Mac, a 46 year old mother of three.

One of my FB friends seemed to find this photo of me a little scary, I'm not sure why. 

Maybe there is just a little madness around the eyes .... ;)

But you know what?  I don't care.  I'm not gurning so that's a huge improvement on most of the photos of me!

It's hard to believe that it's been a year since I wrote this post.

Over the last year I've shared my body issues a few times.

My struggle with BDD which occasionally rears it's ugly head when I'm feeling low but which, for the most part, I have overcome.

My constant battle with my weight which had an alarming tendency to drop very quickly.

Again, this is something I am conscious of but it doesn't rule my life as it once did.

What I have learned is that my emotional well being and my physical health are very closely linked and learning to love myself is so important.

This Summer I took a huge step forward with the help of a very special friend and, for the first time in many years, I wore a bikini on the beach AND allowed him to take a photo of me!

I have to say, it wasn't half as scary as the picture in my head.

So yes, I DO love my body because, despite a certain amount of neglect, despite the fact that I've had three children and despite the fact that I'm 46, I think it's holding up pretty well.

  • Monday 22 October 2012

    Five Sentence Fiction - Flawed

    Linking up with Lillie McFerrin for FSF

    Droplet of water sparkled in the air as she combed the tangles from her hair with her fingers until a halo of curls framed her face and tumbled across her bare shoulders.

    As the weak sunlight filtered through the trees  drying the moisture from her limbs a chill breeze from the past swept across her and she shivered.

    Rising slowly she stood tall and proud and, snatching up a mantle of self respect, she threw it about her shoulders, clothing her nakedness with renewed resolve and self belief.

    With each step she took along the path to the future colour seeped back into her skin and her life giving her the strength to place one foot in front of the other.

    One day she would soar high above the path again, colours radiant, the flaws that kept her earthbound were a part of her beauty but they would no longer have the power to keep her tethered to the past.

    Friday 19 October 2012

    Let It Be SD

    SD has one or two OCD tendencies, remember the sock saga?

    He's very much 'a place for everything and everything in it's place' kind of guy totally at odds with his Surfer Dude appearance and generally laid back attitude.

    Me?  Well I'm more 'an under everything there is something' kind of girl.

    It's not that I'm particularly messy.  If I look around right now I'd say my house is fairly tidy.  It's 8:30 on a Friday morning and the beds are made, the breakfast dishes are washed (although not dried) and there's a basket full of washing ready to hang out on the line.

    But, in addition to that there is an eyeliner and and lip gloss on the table next to the sofa, a pair of Miss Macs school trousers hanging over the back of one of the dining room chairs and a jumble of things, keys, earrings etc in the blue glass bowl on the Merchants Chest.  These things do not offend me.

    Miss Mac has a habit of leaving a trail of possessions in her wake.  School blazer tossed on a chair, bag dumped on the floor, books scattered over the table.  This also doesn't particularly offend me, eventually they make their way to their rightful place.

    Remember the kitten who lives behind the fridge ....?

    Well, in the last few days he's obviously decided that we aren't planning on sticking him in the slow cooker and having him for tea and he's become more adventurous.

    Here he is sitting on the coffee table while I type just a couple of feet away (yes that is a little pile of DVDs next to the telly that should be put away ;).

    He's starting to behave like a normal kitten which means that everything is a toy to him.
    Last night Miss Mac left a box of pencils amongst a jumble of things on the dining table and the kitten took a flying leap knocking everything onto the floor.
    SD and I were drinking coffee in the front room at the time and I would have quite happily left the kitten to play until Miss Mac came down and tidied up her own stuff.  I could see SD getting a little twitchy at my slovenliness but I ignored it, I feel it is my path in life  to temper his compulsions so I ignored him and carried on chatting.
    However, when I went to the loo I came back to find him scrabbling under the table, picking up the pencils and putting them in something.
    I watched with some amusement as, putting the last pencil carefully away, he stood up and they all fell back onto the floor.
    SD looked with some consternation at the red and white spotted 'pencil case'   in his hand trying to work out what was going on.
    The look of horror on his face when he realised he was in fact clutching a pair of Miss Mac's boxer style pants was priceless.
    Somehow I don't think he's going to be so keen to tidy up for me in future ...

    Tuesday 16 October 2012

    Setting Fire To The Loo and Other Stuff

    So ...  the other day I set fire to the loo ....

    I know, you're thinking RESPECT right? 

    Well I don't like to boast or anything but Im pretty sure it's not something just anyone could do ....

    Besides, it needs just the right combination of ingredience including:

    A kitten;

    some kitchen roll;

    A saucepan full of homemade passata and...

    Umm, well -  me I guess ;-)

    Actually I was a little surprised that it was possible too.  And no, I wasn't sitting on it at the time and no, it wasn't the result of a vindaloo as was suggested by one of my (ex ;)  FB friends (seriously lowering the tone of my wall like I NEEDED any help with that thankyouverymuch!)

    I actually popped on here to do a little editing to a post I wrote a few days ago and didn't finish called 'My Name Is Sarah' but I decided it was shite so Id do a little waffling instead.

    I've had an 'interesting couple of weeks' - I've been to a party that (after a slow start) turned into the stuff of legends (mostly due to photographic evidence, got to admit, the event itself is a little hazy).

    I've been 20ft up an apple tree which scared the crap out of me but the view was awesome.

    I've been eyed up by a randy bull.

    I've been out with a group of friends to listen to some live music by a band that made the whole pub rock and I've been to an awards evening.

    Now nearly all of those things have had one thing in common:

    Wherever I've gone I've been greeted by cries of 'Your Name Is Sarah!'

    Ok, maybe NOT by the randy bull but he had that look in his eye like he kind of  KNEW me!

    Apart from the fact that I'm getting a complex, I mean, I KNOW my name's  Sarah ok.  I cant help wondering ....

    Who the bloody hell ARE all these people????

    I've been clasped to sweaty chests, I've been kissed and hugged, I've been treated like the prodigal son, I've been shaken around like a bloody cocktail (dance floor at the party where I was literally SUCKED into the midst of some freaky reunion except I swear didn't know anyone) until I was in danger of shooting out of my dress like toothpaste out of a tube *

    I dunno, it's either some kind of conspiracy or I spent a large part of my 20's so hammered I've blocked it out ...

    SD (who has been there on several of these occasions) seems to finds it very funny in a nudge, nudge kind of way and takes great pleasure out of creating scenarios to fit how these people (mostly men ok, I admit it!!) might know me.

    It's freaking me out a little and I'm seriously considering changing my name!

    *note to self - buy longer dress for next party!

    Monday 15 October 2012

    Thinking Aloud

    I've been thinking a bit about how I blog.

    I think erratically pretty much covers it these days ;)

    Last count I had 27 posts in draft dating back over several months all in various stages. Most of them don't deserve to see the light of day to be honest so I may have a clear out but there's some good stuff amongst the dross which just needs a little work.

    In the last few weeks I haven't managed much other than the weekly Five Sentence Fiction posts and while I enjoy the way they really make me think, it isn't really what I and Fudge are all about.

    Anyone who's been following my blog for a while will know that I have a theory that's based around those 'things' that I do and that happen to me.

    My theory is that 'things' happen to everyone, not just to me.  All I do is try to find the humour in them and tell you all about them.

    Obviously I'm not the only person to do this,most of you have your own blogs and own stories to tell but in general, the funny stuff that happens to people just doesn't get heard.

    So, back to my posts in draft.  My collection of stories that haven't been heard.  I'm going to do a little revisiting, see what I can salvage, remind myself and you that these things still happen and that I can still see the funny side of life.

    And what about the future ....  Well, what I'd like to do is to carry on with FSF, it's a great discipline for a rambler like me and, at the same time, I'm going to try a weekly update on what Ive been up to with special 'guest' posts for anything that deserves a space of it's own.

    Finally, I found a great humour blog through some convoluted blog hopping which has a limerick challenge every week.  I love a bit of poetry and limericks suit my style so I'm going to give it a bash every now and then.

    I think a bit of structure is what my blog needs, actually, not just my blog but me as well so let's see how it goes ...

    Saturday 13 October 2012

    Shhh ...

    Just noticed a Freudian slip in my last post and I can't quite bring myself to correct it - I wonder if anyone will notice ...  ;-)

    Friday 12 October 2012

    Five Sentence Fiction - Detour

    Linking up with Lillie McFerrin for FFS


    With bare feet leaving a trail of dark imprints in the damp grass, shedding skeins of memories twisted and tangled in her wake, unwinding every tendril that grasped at her wrist and ankle she moved further away from the smouldering remains of the before.

    Ashes, soft as snowflakes, dark as night fell about her - the acrid flavour of charred dreams touched her lips before melting on her tongue, the decaying scent of disillusionment hanging heavy in the tainted air.

    Love, trust and belief lay strewn about her unseen as she left the well worn path of broken dreams, weary  of the cuts it left in her feet and the thorns it plunged into her heart she went in search of the spirit of hope, the one element remaining after all others had scattered across the earth.

    Water, cool and pure poured down on her from above cleansing her body and washing the grime from her soul.

    Stepping refreshed from the fall of water her eyes opened through the droplets that clung to her lashes and her heart lifted as she saw the untrodden path that stretched to the future.

    Tuesday 9 October 2012

    Five Sentence Fiction - Exquisite

    A whisper of woodsmoke trickled from her mouth as she exhaled, clinging like a cobweb in her throat it threatened to choke her before drifting harmlessly into the still air.
    Lying motionless and alone she gently ran her fingers through her soul.
    The searing heat had stripped the flesh from her bones, taking with it the light from her eyes, the trust from her heart, consuming everything in it's path -  everything that made her whole ...  leaving her burnt, bloodied, mangled and destroyed  ...  everything that is but her passion -  a passion she had carried for several lifetimes - a passion that lingered in her blood, renewing her body when seemingly nothing remained.
    Rising naked and reborn, dust swirling in her wake, she breathed deeply before allowing a soft smile of regret to briefly touch her lips.
    As she stretched out a bare foot from the ashes towards the cool damp grass she paused and tenderly blew a kiss before silently slipping away.

    Tuesday 2 October 2012

    I'm Cool (but sometimes I'm hot ;)

    The observant amongst you may have caught a post I wrote yesterday.

    Those of you who missed it, well, it's back in draft which is possibly where it should have stayed all along.

    I've been combining a lot of things lately, playing hard (yes, I will at some point tell you about that) - working hard, thinking hard and amongst all of that I've been struggling with that bloody insomnia and a disturbing lack of appetite.

    I have a tendency to over extend myself and to not recognise my limitations.  Now, that's not always a bad thing, it means that I'll give most things a go but it does also mean that I sometimes find myself frustrated when I can't achieve the goals I've set myself and I will exhaust myself both physically and mentally trying to.

    Amongst all of that I sometimes lose sight of the things that really matter. 

    On Sunday I was sideswiped by some news that I had.  In some ways it was more the delivery of that news rather than the actual content that shook me.

    Anyway, now that I've had a little time to think about things I can see that this news isn't actually as ... hmm, trying to think of the right word here - bad isn't quite right and devastating is certainly an over reaction.


    I wrote yesterdays post after very little sleep and it attracted comments from a couple of my favourite bloggers, K from Kelloggsville  and Car from End'o the Road, both left really lovely comments and they made me think.

    Later in the day I was reading through a few blog posts when I came across one from E at Whining at the World - E has given me the Liebster Blog Award - now how's THAT for timing?  On a day when I was seriously questioning if I had anything to give the blogosphere not one, not two, but THREE of the people who's blogs I love and who I have grown to know over the last 18 months or so give me EVERY reason to carry on.

    Thank you so much :-)

    It also reminded me that, rather shame fully, I never did properly acknowledge awards passed to me many months ago by Lou from Sunny Side and Joe from Cranky Old Man - of course I said thank you and I promised to follow them up with posts which I never did get around to writing.  No excuses for that and I'm sorry, it shall be done as will the one for E because I really do appreciate the faith you show in me!

    I guess it made me realise that although I may doubt myself from time to time, I probably do have something to offer.

    I guess I'm not just 'anybody' after all ...

    I'm me, 'scatty with a hint of madness' - a little flakey at times - an unpredictable redhead prone to highs and lows but life is never boring and, as long as anyone wants to read about those damned 'things' then I'll carry on writing because one thing I'm sure of is that they will keep happening with me around ;-)

    Monday 1 October 2012

    This Too Shall Pass ... maybe

    I may not be around for a while.

    I know, sure and certain death for a blog right?

    Well, what can I say? Maybe it's better to have a swift death than a lingering, clawing, drawn out demise.

    I have tried honestly.  I said just the other day that I should either get it back on track or give it up...

    Like I was told - 'back on track - anyone can give it up'.

    I guess I am just anyone then...

    I'm not so different.  I'm not special.  I am NOT fucking invincible!

    I've tried (and I've failed) to recapture the 'zing' - it just ain't happening for me right now.

    I wrote a post that should have been upbeat and fun and yeah, I guess there are a few funny bits in it but it doesn't flow, its forced, I'm trying to be something that used to come naturally to me and if I can see it then so will you.

    I could give you a hundred and one reasons why.

    I'll give you one.

    At the moment there is a kitten wedged behind my kitchen cupboard and I cant persuade it to come out.  I haven't got a fucking clue what to do about it.  It's been there since I brought it home from the farm supposedly to domesticate it before re homing it.  Well, that was more than 12 hours ago and the poor bugger is still there.

    Ive tried leaving it alone.  Ive tried tempting it out with food.  I slept for about an hour and a half last night and the sleep I did get was filled with the most horrendous nightmares that made me glad to be awake.

    I'm exhausted, I'm tearful, I'm sick to fucking death of pretending to be something I'm not.

    I'm probably going to have to destroy my kitchen to get that kitten out but you know what?  If it comes out in one piece and it's ok then that's fine, I don't care. It will be worth it. Sometimes you have to do whatever you can, whatever it takes to save something precious.  There are somethings you just don't give up on and this is one of them.

    I just want it to be ok!

    I don't even care that I'm over reacting.  That I'm putting it out there for anyone to read.  Right now, I just don't fucking care!

    I'm signing out for now.  I won't say forever, nothing is forever.

    Part of me wants to apologise for being so self indulgent.  Part of me feels I should count my blessings.  Part of me knows I'm being fucking selfish and probably childish.

    The bigger part of me doesn't care right now.

    Maybe sometime I'll remember that I'm not just anyone ... not now, but sometime ... maybe ...