Wednesday, 27 March 2013

Don't Rattle My Chain Bitch

Not much phases me really.  I'm a kind of laid back in a diagonal position kind of person most of the time.  (Well, unless I'm being challenged in a hormonal kind of way.)

I don't DO jealous, to me it's a wasted emotion.  People have stuff I don't have, so what?  I do a little light envy from time to time and think how nice it must be to have the big shiny car, the en suite bathroom, the holidays to exotic places but you know what?  My life is pretty damned good these days.  I have everything I need with a good does of laughter and love thrown in on a daily basis so no, I'm not jealous because I'm happy being me.

I had a great weekend.  Time with friends, great food, far too much champagne and lots of laughs but I missed home.  I missed Miss Mac and I missed SD.

They had a great time though.  One of the things I love most about SD is the huge effort he makes with my daughter.  They have spent the last few months sounding each other out.  Miss Mac took a while to get used to having someone around, having to share my attention, having someone else as a part of our conversations.

She resisted a little for a while which is understandable but gradually SD's unfailing kindness, his humour and thoughtfulness and his endless patience began to win her over and now nothing makes me happier than to see them talking and laughing together.

Ok, SD still struggles with the fact that she is a typically messy teenager and Miss Mac struggles with his ever so slightly OCD tendencies to organise everything to the nth degree (but then hey, so do I! ) but, our little post nuclear pod is a happy place.

So anyway, back to me!!! ;)

Saturday night Miss Mac had plans and so SD arranged to meet up with some friends to see a band.

We've seen this band together a few times and wow, they are phenomenally good!  I mean seriously up there in a class of their own.  The drummer (who look about 12) is just outstanding.  Mostly you tend not to notice drummers in a band, all the focus is usually on the lead singer or lead guitar but he is so vibrant, so full of energy and so bloody good that I find I cant take my eyes off him (I may have a slightly embarrassing case of drummer lust here ....).

Anyway, yesterday one of SD's friends sent me a clip  of SD dancing away to the music that he'd videoed on his phone.

SD gets totally into the grove when he's dancing and right in the middle of the clip he does this cute little bum wiggle which had me rolling on the floor laughing my (stolen) socks off, I watched it over and over and it amused me every time but then I started to feel something different and I couldn't quite work out what it was.

This band have a following as many do so you tend to see the same people time and time again.  There are a couple of girls we always see at their gigs and SD named them the size 6's because they are tiny!  I mean super tiny!!  Not skinny exactly, just minuscule in a Barbie doll kind of way.  The kind of way that makes me, at 6ft tall, feel like a lumbering carthorse in comparison.

So, I'm watching this clip and I noticed one of the size 6's sidle up behind SD and start dancing, she then moved to the side of him and then in front of him.  SD moved to give her some room and she carried on dancing in front of him, facing him, dancing WITH him!

Hmmmm, at this point I went off to bake some cakes and dissect how that made me feel.

Here they are:

I think it's fairly clear how I was feeling ;)

The unobservant onlooker probably wouldn't have noticed anything but I've watched that clip enough times now and it's pretty clear.

By process of elimination I decided that I might just be feeling jealous!

Not because I was worried in any way that SD would do anything he shouldn't and, to be honest, if I had thought that then he clearly wouldn't be the man for me.  It was the way she didn't take her eyes off him.  She had her back to the band and that's just something you don't do when you re out listening to live music.

She was coming on to my man!

And I wasn't there!!

And she knew that he was my man!!!

Bitch - flirt away when I'm there, I'm fine with that but when I'm not ....

I'm not going to say that SD was unaware of it, I'm sure he wasn't, he was probably flattered, she's a pretty girl.  People flirt, I flirt, he flirts, we ALL do it from time to time often unconsciously and that's fine but she's rattled my chain just a little and I will hunt her down and force feed her cake if I ever catch her doing that again behind my back!

obviously I haven't mentioned any of this to SD,  wouldn't want him getting big headed now ;)

Friday, 22 March 2013

A Photo For Friday

So I've been sooo busy this week that I forgot I've was supposed to be trying to kid you that I'm taking this photography thing a bit seriously but I did manage to snap this one of Miss Mac doing a little Mac Yogi (phrase coined by the other Sarah Mac over a  Slapdash Mama who can do some pretty interesting things with a bathroom sink).

The only thing I probably should have done to edit this photo was vacuum first really!

Obviously anything Miss Mac can do I can do too but the photo she took of me frankly made my arse look so huge that I swiftly hit the delete button.

I'm really excited because I'm off to visit friends this weekend.  SD, bless him, very sweetly bought me some snacks to take on the train and also wrote me a list so I don't forget anything.

On the list it says: 'take warm clothes and don't forget to eat' - I did tell him I wasn't a child and he said, 'No you're not, you're a fucking idiot and that's why I write you lists' - So romantical don't you think?

Anyway, I can't hang around here gassing you know, I have things to do!

Have a fantastic weekend whatever you're doing, and, if it's shite then take comfort in the fact that I will be having a ball (which is almost as good isn't it???).

Wednesday, 13 March 2013

A Poem for Rowen

GOD -  I AM GOOOOD!! - see what I did there -  even the fricken title rhymes!

Thank you Rowen for being called ...  errm,  Rowen (it helped LOTS ;).

Now I like Rowen even though she likened me to her Grandmother (who I'm sure is a lovely person) and so, when she said her Dad used to like Pam Ayres (bear with me here) I promised to regurgitate this poem especially for her so here it is:

Bingo Boobs (a trueish story)

I thought I saw her bingo book
Lurking under there,
I didn't really like to look
It seemed so rude to stare.

Her chest was like a giant pillow
With room for several heads,
Across the table it seemed to billow
Enough for at LEAST two beds.

Where was her book? It was a farce
I felt I ought to say,
I just thank god it wasn't under her arse
Or we'd  have been there half the day!

I'd umm'd and ahh'd (and gestured too!)
And pointed at her bits,
Then I shouted out (what else could I do?)


Eat your heart out Pammie ;)

Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Rewinding 'Confessions Of A Sock Slut'

I'm rewinding this in preparation for a brand new post  'Confessions Of A Slipper Slut' coming at you soon.

In addition to which I'm really excited to be having my very own, totally unique, GIVEAWAY.

Yep, I can guarantee that it's a giveaway the like of which you have never seen before and the great thing about it is that there are prizes for each and every one of you so don't forget to keep your eyed peeled.


How long does it take to buy a pair of socks?

I reckon .........   about 4 minutes?

Pop into Primark, pick up 7 pairs of black cotton rich socks for 2 quid and it's a done deal.

I'm a 'buy it in bulk, buy it in black' kinda girl.

I've hinted before that as far as I'm concerned socks are communal property, I will happily steal your socks and claim them as my own if you are foolish enough to leave them lying around.

Let's face it, pairing up socks is on a par with ...  I don't know ... ironing tea towels maybe??

Why would you? *

Cheap is also the way to go as far as I'm concerned. **

Anyone that's seen Master Mac prehensile toenails will understand where I'm coming from.

Seriously, that boy has full on CLAWS !!  He goes through socks like (for some reason I want to say 'a nun with the trots' ...  must be the latent poet in me ;)

Anyway, 3 weeks ago (please note that I mention the fact that it was 3 weeks ago for VERY good reasons which will become apparent)  Surfer Dude and I were partaking of a grande latte in Neros and I noticed this gentleman sitting opposite us with the longest feet I've ever been privileged enough to come across.  They were seriously like canoes!

Of course I whipped out my phone to take a photo to show you but Surfer Dude wrestled it off me muttering things like 'invasion of privacy', 'inapropriate' and, rather oddly I though, 'copywrite'.

A very ungentlemanly struggled enchewed as I bleated, 'but what about my readers, think of my readers dammit' (I may have even bitten him at one point).

Sadly, being male and (only just!) the stronger of the two, he won so no pic I'm afraid :(

After I'd been consoled with a super expensive slab of fair trade tiffin (oh yes, I CAN be bought;) the conversation moved to socks and it transpired that Surfer Dude was in need.

I've mentioned that he works in a school.  Well, he mostly teaches PE to kids from disadvantaged backgrounds and ones who struggle to fit into mainstream school (not all fit into both categories btw).  So, given that it seems finding the right socks is very important (it's the PE bit here that's significant in case you were wondering).

In fact, it's almost bloody impossible!!!

Do you know, he wouldn't even go into Primark!!!

I may be a sock slut but he's even worse, he's a


We have trawled shops in four counties over the past three weeks, perusing, examining thread count, rubbing soles and toes between our fingers, looking at each other knowledgeably before saying, 'hmmmm' and discarding***.

We have considered and cogitated, discussed and dismissed.

The only thing we haven't done is sprinkled the bloody things with salt and pepper and eaten them with a knife and fork!!!

I shit you NOT.

Did you for instance know that you can get sock with silver technology?

F*ck knows what that means but you can.

You can get atmospherically sensitive socks, socks with aloe vera to soothe those tired feet, super absorbent socks (that is kind of ewww don't you think?), socks with gel inserts, easy grip cuffs, socks that tell the time and even ones that nibble away at those prehensile toenails as you walk ****

It is obviously my lot in life to be surrounded with men with OCD tendencies (funnily enough often sock related, remember this??).

So, tonight when we popped into Sainsburys to buy some peppermint tea and I caught Surfer Dude once again wistfully perusing the sock collection something in me snapped, this red mist descended and I marched up to him, grabbed the socks out of his hand and strode towards the till with him bleating in my wake 'but ... but ...'.

I stopped and turned and, -  bringing my face very close to his, I said in an apparently VERY loud and carrying voice an authoritative voice:

'Sufer Dude, you are buying these fucking socks ok now do NOT make me bite you again'.

We bought the socks.

(I am please to say that I am now the proud owner of 5 new pairs of socks .... :)

* Please note, that is a rhetorical question!

** cheap cotton rich  - NOT cheap nylon, I do have some standards ...

*** I truthfully didn't give a shit and would have bought any or all of them.

**** I may have made the last couple up ....

Colour Blind

I hadn't planned on blogging today - you can have too much of a good thing you know ;)


Then I saw something on FB that caused me to think again.  It was an update from a friend of mine who was asking people to sign a petition.

I rarely do this mostly because I don't want to be inundated with loads of junk mail and because, to be honest, I'm a pretty unpolitical type of animal.  I am very much a live and let live kind of person.  It doesn't mean I don't have strong views or that I don't care.  I just respect others rights to their own opinions and I accept that they may not always correspond with mine.

However, just occasionally I feel it's important to stand up and be counted and those occasions are almost always connected to discrimination whether it be against gender, race, religion or sexual orientation.

I didn't just blindly sign the petition, I investigated further before making my x in the box because what I found was, in my opinion, shocking.

Nobel Peace Prize winner and former Polish president Lech Walesa, the man who led Poland to freedom in it's cold war struggle with the Soviet Bloc has been asked to apologise for suggesting that gay Polish politicians should 'sit behind a wall' in the countries parliament.

The reason for his comment?

Walesa says that gay people have little significance as a minority and therefore have to adjust to 'smaller things'

Walesa also says that he has nothing to apologise for and that he does not feel homophobic in making this comment.

I find it impossible to reconcile those two statements.

I fail to see how an individuals sexual orientation is significant in either the political world or indeed outside of it.

What about other minorities?  Should we segregate people based on the colour of their skin?  What about people who live with physical disabilities?  Single mothers?  The list is endless and who exactly would be considered part of the 'worthy' majority?

I find discrimination wholly unacceptable.  I see people as people and form my opinion based on the person they are.

A couple of years ago I was in Salisbury's when I saw a man being berated by another man.  Initially I assumed it was a personal disagreement, that the two knew each other and had fallen out in someway.

It was only as I got closer that it became apparent that this man was being racially abused by the other man in a very vocal and aggressive way.

I was horrified, I had honestly never seen this happen before (and haven't since).  This man was being attacked solely on the basis of skin colour and people were either looking on or walking past!

I couldn't!

I stood by this man, I called to staff to have security remove him and to call the police.  I apologised to the man on behalf of all those who, like me, are colour blind.  I talked to him for a while as he was very upset and shaken.  He told me he was a doctor, a respected man who worked hard and yet, a small minded vicious excuse for a human being had reduced him almost to tears.

He didn't NEED to justify himself to me and it sickened me that another human being had made him feel he did!

I think Walesa is deluded and should be ashamed and, if he is unable to see that for himself then I for one am happy to stand up and tell him so.

When I look at you I don't see your sexual orientation, I don't see your religion, race or colour - I see you and I'm proud to be colour blind.

Im including the link to the petition here purely so that you have options, options that Walesa feels that some people have no entitlement to.

Friday, 1 March 2013

A Photo For Friday

GAAAAAH (or GHAAAA I'm never really sure which it is ;).

Can you believe it's Friday again ALREADY.

After the huge success of my empty Jaffa Cake box last week (you missed it???  How VERY dare you!!! - Read about it here! ... ummm, if you like... ) I'd decided I'd pull out all the stops.

But then I forgot ....

And I haven't really taken many photos this week.

I trawled my gallery for something suitable and the one I found brought to mind an episode of Father Ted - I'm just going to assume here that any kindred spirit knows what I'm talking about ok?

Anyway, Father Ted and Dougal are on holiday in a caravan and Father Ted is trying to explain to Dougal that the cows aren't small they are just far away.

I used this same analogy a while ago when a male friend commented on a photo I'd posted on FB saying something like 'very nice' - My beautiful Miss Mac then commented saying 'you only like it cause it makes her boobs look big'.  Arrrgh - I swear I didn't bring her up to say things like that!

Anyway, ANOTHER male friend also commented saying ' They look smaller to me in this photo'.

Arrrgh again!

So I commented and I said to him - 'Craig, I said - 'it's not that they are smaller, it's that they are far away - about 12000 miles in your case' (Craig lives down under - that's Australia btw, I haven't got him locked in the basement or anything).

Back to the point of this post.

Things like that tend to freak me out too - I mean under and over sized things.  There's a giant cotton bud in Boots the chemist that scares the crap out of me - I have this image in my head of a man (and I'm pretty sure it's only men who do this) trying to shove it into his ear.

So, back AGAIN to the point before I forget it completely!

Miss Mac had a sleepover last weekend where two of her friends came round to help her trash my house and empty my cupboards - I obviously took off to Exeter to see the Kaiser Chiefs and left them to it ;).

Anyway (point/post) - the following morning I came down to find THESE on the coffee table:

Freakishly small rubber bands next to freakishly LARGE hair grips - that's a two pence piece btw for scale (which will only really help if you are from the UK).

Did I miss the fact that her friends had freakishly large heads or something and what possible use could you have for freakishly small rubber bands???  (ok, I'll 'fess up - the bands are for Miss Macs braces to help correct a very small overbite and she took them out and left them on my coffee table!!!!  As Miss Mac would say - GROSS).

Talking of Miss Mac, she informed me this morning that she was going to name her children, LaQeefer, Shaniqua and Bendedick - I'm hoping she really meant Benedict - actually, I'm hoping she never has children ....

And finally - I've started learning Klingon - no really, I have!

So far I can say, Yes, No and It's a good day to die - impressive no?

Laters lovelies ;)