Thursday, 20 December 2012

`Putting The Arse Into Class

I've often been told that I 'talk posh' - I don't know how true that is, I think my voice is fairly accent less, probably due to the fact that we travelled a lot during my younger years.

I've also been told that I'm elegant - as my friend C once remarked, 'you even get out of cars with your knees together for god's sake!'

Of course, anyone that knows me knows that it's all an illusion - I may 'talk the talk' and I may 'walk the walk' but there's no one more capable of making a complete arse of themselves than me!

Case in point!

Yesterday (before my lovely K had the chance to give me the kick I needed) I gave myself a kick up the backside.

I posted my cards and blitz my shopping (still a few to go) and then hit the clothes shops in search of a dress.

It's party season and although I have 3 or 4 party dresses I don't actually own a LBD.

I've already missed a couple of parties due to this bloody cold.  Last week I managed a paltry 2 hours at a party sipping lime and soda and snivelling into a tissue.

Well, I'm not missing out on any more!

I've a party to go to on Saturday night, another one on Christmas Eve - one between Christmas and New Year and one on New Years Eve so a new dress is justified I think ;).

Bloody hell, there are some truly horrible dresses out there right now!

I don't want an on the knee black velvet with stretchy lace sleeves thankyouverymuch!  I don't want sequin festooned chiffon and I don't want taffeta with so many layers I have to go through a bloody door sideways!

I want something a little quirky, a bit sexy, slightly slinky, totally frivolous with maybe a discrete touch of bling (sparkly shoulder straps perhaps?).

Hmmm ...

Can I also send out a plea to shops NOT to turn their heating up to tropical?  I know it's December (but actually, it's pretty mild for this time of year).  I'm fighting my way through the crowds with heavy bags, a shit load of stress and the remnants of a cold - I've got inbuilt fecking central heating thank you!

My coat was on and off like a pair of tarts knickers and overheated shops are entirely responsible for what happened next!

My last stop on the way home was Sport Direct for a pair of Goldigga boots for Miss Mac.

I'm not a fan of Sports Direct - they employ 2 dozen teenagers per shop - pay them minimum wage and teach them selective hearing, how to ignore customers (whilst carrying on conversations with each other) and cram in as many racks of clothes as possible so that getting through the shop is like a bloody obstacle course.

However, they DO sell Goldigga boots at an affordable price ...

In I marched and was hit in the face by this solid wall of heat.  Bags down, coat off and I Lambada'd through the racks of clothes to the escalator.

Upstairs was even hotter, I half expected to see a spider monkey or parrot perched on a light fitting!

And then I started feeling a little peculiar ....

Somebody had turned the heat up another notch and sucked all the air out of the shop ...  I needed to get out of there!

But it was too late ....

I'm not sure how I managed to find a six foot long space to go down like a sack of spuds in without impaling myself on a rack of Lycra, just lucky I guess.

Who would have known that was the best way to get service in Sports Direct???

I woke up to half a dozen teenagers crowded around me wondering what the hell to do.

'She needs to see someone' - It's ok, I can see lots of people already thanks ...

'Shall I call her an ambulance?' - You could, but actually my name's Sarah (very bad cracker joke, sorry ;).

Then I realised they WERE actually about to call an ambulance - bloody hell, yoof of today, don't they recognise a faint when they see one?

Like I said, if you need service in a shop can I recommend fainting?

I've still got some shopping to do and I still haven't found that elusive dress but I DID get Miss Macs boots and I didn't have to queue for them - I'd call that a result wouldn't you? ;)


E. said...

Wow. You are very impressive. I hope you feel okay now. Good luck shopping for that dress. I now have to google Golddigga boots.

Sarah said...

Im ok thank E, small bump on my head but it's probably partly my own fault for not eating properly.

It's not a tactic I'd advise in every shop but you know - if you're struggling to get served ... ;)

I'll keep looking for the dress, still a few more shops to go and the Golddigga boots? Well, very similar in style and quality to Uggs but about £100 cheaper :)

joeh said...

I would not take the fainting so lightly, Perhaps after being down and out for so long you need to eat a donut or something.

Sarah said...

You're right Joe, there is a more serious side to it, I could have hurt myself. It's the second time it's happened in the last few weeks- the first time was at a funeral (talk about wanting to be the centre of attention!). I do have a history of low blood pressure and it's not good to combine that with not eating properly. Ill be more careful in future.

Feisty Cat said...

You are not nearly old enough to be suffering from hot flashes, my friend. For me, it is a daily occurence.

I hope you feel better soon and are rocking that holiday dress (sans tissue).

Kelloggs Ville said...

Damn, who'd have known passing out was all it takes to get served there. I tried every other bloody thing going. I think I even offered to sleep with one of the spotty oiks once if he would JUST GO AND GET ME THE RIGHT SIZE.

If you don't want to pass out whilst shopping I recommend a) eating or b) putting your head between your knees every 10 minutes or so. (do not under any circumstances attempt to both at the same time - or if you do I need photos)

You're welcome :) (I should charge for this sort of advice you know -it's gold dust)

Gorilla Bananas said...

You fainted? How very ladylike! Perhaps you were born in the wrong century, I'm sure a Victorian gentleman would have been able to revive you quickly.

Sarah said...

I'm feeling a lot better thank you FC - I've ditched the tissues although I still have this cough. Still on the hunt for the perfect dress for tonight :).

Haha, K - I'd offer them practically anything to get a bit of service in there too ;.

Thank you for your excellent advice - I shall be eating before heading out today but I'll take my camera 'just in case'.

Maybe I was GB although a swoon would have been slightly more ladylike rather than falling flat on my face. I'd certainly have rathr woken up in the arms of a gentleman rather than to a host of spotty teenagers ;)