Tuesday, 28 January 2014

The Bonk Buster Edition

Well, now that I've got your attention I'll guess have to apologise for the fact that this post (and possibly any post ever on Fudge) contains no sex – not even a little bit, none at all, nada, zilch.

Sorry …. ;-)

It's just the latest saga in the ongoing story that is Sarah Mac but I thought that title might liven things up a bit around here.

So, what's new?

Well, I was head hunted a few weeks back (kind of). A company I worked for a few years ago rang me up offering me some work. It's been a while since I worked in an office and so I had the usual concerns.

What the fuck was I going to wear?

Would they all hate me??

Would I make a complete arse of myself???

What the fuck was I going to wear????

Could I DO the job?????

What is the sun shone and I wanted to go to the beach and it was a work day??????

And, most importantly ….


I'd got rid of almost all my office wardrobe a couple of years ago on the basis that a) most of it was too big now and b) I hated it all. I had kept a couple of things though, Christ knows why as they turned out to be hideous!

I mean seriously, the stuff I used to wear to work … Uggg …

I did try it on though and asked Miss Mac's opinion – apparently hysterical laughter IS an opinion – sometimes I really love that girl, sometimes well … not so much …

I threw all the clothes into a heap and started again working out what (from the stuff I can cope with wearing) was suitable for the office without making me look like a tart.

It turned out to be a pretty tall order given that I live my life in jeans (not suitable), far too short dresses (I can get away with some of them I think with a bit of judicial accessorising), shorts (too cold and possibly not suitable) and other random stuff and then I went shopping so it wasn't ALL bad.

Luckily they don’t all seem to hate me. In fact, Id go so far as to say that so far NO ONE seems to hate me.

Obviously I HAVE made an arse of myself but hopefully they'll appreciate that it's one of my endearing qualities. I don't know, tell me what YOU think …

I've discovered with many years experience in offices that one of the ways to integrate yourself and make friends is to offer to wash up the cups. Now you would think that offering to make the tea/coffee would have a similar affect but no!!!

The thing is, if you constantly offer to make tea/coffee, then people think you just want a skive, a chance to get away from the desk and maybe gossip in the kitchen for a bit. Clearly there is some truth in that and I'm not above the occasional skive or gossip but it is not the way to make friends and integrate yourself so, what I do is this:

I keep my head down, I work my socks off, I’m far too busy for coffee/tea breaks unless someone asks in which case I look up with an air of (weary) surprise that the time has gone so quickly and I gratefully accept the offer of sustenance.

However, no one wants to do the washing up which incidentally takes just as long as the making of tea/coffee – takes place in the kitchen – and is ALSO a great opportunity for a bit of a gossip – it really is a win/win!

So, getting back to the making an arse of myself (which IS the only reason you drop by isn't it – be honest now … oh, and obviously for the non existent sex but I expect those people have stopped reading by now anyway).

My second day in the office and I decided it was time to put my theory into practice and picked up the cups and went into the kitchen.

Now, the kitchen is fairly small, the sink was right in front of me. I filled the sink with hot soapy water (it might be a skive but you've still got to do it properly) and then I reached for the dish washing brush in front of me.

My hand grabbed the brush, slid along it's length and shot off the end spraying soapy water all over myself. The dish washing brush remained firmly in position by the tap held upright by the suction cup on the bottom of it (which obviously I hadn't noticed).

If you're thinking that me covered in soapy water is the punchline then oh, how I wish you were right!

I pulled that bloody thing again but it didn't budge, I tugged it and turned it trying to break the suction and in the end I grabbed it with both hands and yanked it as hard as I could.

The effing thing unstuck itself with a very loud farting sound, and shot over my shoulder, out of the door, down the stairs opposite the door and landed at the feet of the leader of the local council who had just arrived for a meeting …

I marched downstairs covered in bubbles, completely mortified and snatched up my brush without a word – as I went back up the stairs I heard him say in a disbelieving tone – 'what an extraordinary girl' …

Other than that it's been pretty uneventful. I spend most of my time sitting opposite a gorgeous young thing who makes me feel about 103 and to whom I offer fluff covered mints from my coat pocket in the manner of a DOM.

I CAN do the job and so far it's mostly been pissing down with rain so I've had no beach dilemma.

So yep, all is good in the land of Fudge right now and who knows, maybe I will write that bonk buster one day (but don't hold your breath ...)


joeh said...

OK, i'll admit I was looking for the sex stuff and skimmed down the post. When I got to "Me covered with soapy water" I thought I was reaching the good stuff. and it was pretty saucy until, "The effing thing pulled off.

Oh well, no sex, but at least you didn't disappoint in the making an arse outta yourself....love it!

Sarah said...

I like to start as I mean to go on Joe - at least they have some idea what to expect from me now.

AGuidingLife said...

So when you said no sex I just thought you were putting off the perverts so I read to the end and wtf there was no f. Nada. I feel thoroughly dirty having been so mislead. You could have at least spanked the councillor with the brush.

Sarah said...

That might be my next trick K if he ever comes back (you are seriously depraved you know) ;-)

E. said...

Congratulations on the new job. I'm a jeans girl myself so completely understand the work clothes dilemma. Hope it continues to go well and you don't miss the beach too much.

Sarah said...

Thank you E - I was beyond chuffed that they rang me 4 years after I last worked for them :-) x

pam said...

Oh that made me laugh out loud! It was the brush retrieval that did it. You ARE an extraordinary girls Sarah Mac! How's work going now?