Polly(bloody)anna

I think I've mentioned before that I don't really DO the grateful posts.  That's mainly because I am an ungrateful wretch and partly because bitchin' and moanin' posts are so much more fun to both write and read and are far less likely to have you all urging as you read them.

I've just read a post by Slapdash Mama aka NS, aka the OTHER Sarah Mac who has been having a pretty shit time lately what with sick kids and stuff and she sent out the following plea:

"What are you just so effing glad about you have to SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS? Tell your old friend. Distract me from my rollercoaster ride of worry/relief/worry/relief/worry/relief. PLEASE DISTRACT ME."

Well, a friend in need is an inspiration for a blog post (or something like that) so I'm taking up the challenge and, casting my mind back as far as yesterday I am going to find at least 5 things to be grateful for and share them here with you and Sarah  so that you too can bask in that happy place that is my life ....

1.  I am grateful that men of a certain age can't run very fast (I could explain that one but I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions ...)

2.  I am grateful that the effing great tyer that rolled down the garden towards me yesterday only knocked me sideways before ploughing through a flowerbed and smashing into my tomato plants rather than flattening me completely leaving me having to explain at A&E why I had tread marks across my face.

3. I am grateful that no one saw me leap up from the decking I was sitting on because I'd forgotten that I'd just washed the deckchairs on it with the power washer and I'd now got a soaking wet bum.

4.  I'm also grateful that no one then saw me immediately sit on the fecking deckchair forgetting (AGAIN!!) that Id just washed them and they were also still soaking wet!

5. Im grateful that the chocolate lab that Gus bounded toward joyfully and started shagging in the park turned out not to be Coco, his bestie and long term shag buddy because Coco has in fact been dead for the last 2 months.

6.  I'm grateful that my friend Lou considers me her 'go to techie person' because it makes me feel loved and useful and that my advice that her SD card is 'totally buggered' (and being that she snapped it in half I'm fairly confident of this diagnosis) was helpful as I have my hammer and chainsaw polished and ready to go should anyone else require any techie help for a reasonable rate or even for free.

7.  I am grateful that when I was messing around with my own SD card (which is coincidently ALSO buggered) that my complete panic when I thought my phone was uploading all my fecking photos to You Tube (and believe me, there are a few on there that are NOT for public consumption) was probably in fact a slight over reaction as I think (I bloody HOPE) it was just updating You Tube.

8.  I'm grateful that no one saw me trying to erect the aforementioned deckchairs (although many may have heard me swearing as I did!) because after 10 minutes of sweating and swearing like a trooper I had achieved this:

bastard thing!

9. ......  Nope, can't think of a 9 but I think 8 things to be grateful for in one day is pretty good going don't you?

Tell me, tell Sarah, tell the world ....

"What are you just so effing glad about you have to SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS?

You Don't See What I See

Yesterday was a beautiful day and as it's half term SD is around this week which means that we are lucky enough to be able to take full advantage of any good weather that comes our way.

We spent the afternoon at West Bay just a short drive along the coast into Dorset it forms a part of the Jurassic coast.

It's a lovely place with a harbour a beach, stunning cliffs and clear blue sea. It also boast some of the best coffee and homemade lemon drizzle cake I've ever tasted.

We got home last night tired and contented and started to look through the photos we'd taken.

SD, as I've mentioned before, tends to take lots of me mostly because I really dislike 90% of any photos with me in them.

SD is convinced that I don't see what other people see.  He will tell me I look beautiful when all I see is that I'm frowning or my hair looks a mess or I imagine the beginnings of cellulite on my thighs ....

I tend to think he's either humouring me or he needs his eyes tested ;-)

But there is a serious side to this.  I know it's not just me.  Almost every other woman I know feels pretty much the same.

In many ways I'm far less self conscious than I used to be.  Last year I wore a bikini for the first time in many years and this year, like last, I'm living in shorts and vest tops.  A large part of that is my choosing to believe that maybe SD is right but then I see the photos and the self doubt returns.

When I saw this photo I thought:

I don't look feminine

You know what I see?

Broad shoulders.

I'm not even sure I HAVE broad shoulders but that's the first thing I thought and no matter how much SD tells me he likes this photo that's still what I see.

Occasionally I DO like a photo, I quite like this one:

SD must have snapped it while I was watching the children playing in the sea.  Funnily enough he skipped over this one and it's not one of his favourites.

I've come a long way in the last couple of years and SD has been an integral part of that.  I've stabilised my weight and I've largely put behind me the battle I had with BDD but I STILL have this aversion to photos of myself.

My FB friends would be forgiven for thinking the opposite, for thinking I had slightly narcissistic tendencies given the regularity with which I change my profile photo.  What they probably don't realise is that its born from dissatisfaction and that fact that I will find fault with almost any picture of myself and that's what leads me to change it.  I'm hoping that one day I'll actually be happy with what I see.

Today I'm happy with this one:

but who knows how long that will last ;-)

Strangely enough, I'm happy with the face that confronts me in the mirror.  Aside from the odd wrinkle and grey hair these days I like what I see.  This aversion is purely reserved for photos, it's odd ....

If you've read some of my past posts you will know that despite the fact that I don't like photos of myself I often take selfies (usually silly ones)and I'm always happy for SD to snap me.  It's all part of the process you see.  I don't shy away from the things that scare me anymore because when I do that they tend to turn in on me so I confront my fears these days in the hope that one day they wont have the power to hurt me and I'm getting there.

I'm not just talking about photos.  Facing my fears is bloody hard, sharing them even harder, keeping them to myself, the hardest thing of all ...

The truth is, I probably have unrealistic expectations - I probably still expect to see my 20 year old self in photos because that what I see in my head and I'm now more than 2 decades older than the person I was then.

In almost every other area of my life I'm happy.  I have a huge amount to be happy about.  This isn't particularly important.  It doesn't impinge on every day life.  It's faintly ridiculous given the very real problems many other people face.

I'm not sure why I'm blogging about it other than the fact that it's been playing on my mind for the last 24 hours and writing it out seems to be the only way to get it out of my head so forgive me for talking out loud and ...  as you were ;-)

Rewinding 'Dear ....'

It's the weekend and time for the Rewind over at The Pink Fibro.

It was so lovely to see some old faces last week and to meet some new ones.  Thank you again Allison for bringing this back (I will eventually stop saying thank you, or you'll block me or something .... ;).

Anyway, This weeks theme is writing.  Rewind a post you've written about writing or some of your own writing - anything really that fits with the theme.

Well, I haven't written any posts about writing (apart from a few whingy ones about how HARD it is sometimes)  But, a few of you may remember that I used to write a little fiction now and then.

I've chosen this one because it's not only some of my writing but it's also ABOUT writing so it's a double whammy (I'm fully expecting a prize for that!).

It started with this photo that I took in April last year as the sun set over Saunton Beach in North Devon.

'Dear ...'

The light was fading bathing the sky over the sea  in a wash of pink and gold.

She paused for a moment to gather her thoughts, the tang of salt laden air touched her lips echoing the sting from the salt filled tears that blurred her vision as she wrote.

Her attention was momentarily caught by the silhouette of the surfers making their way back across the sand, dark shapes captured against the soft glow of the water behind them.

Two tiny figures returning from their battle to dominate the vastness of the ocean.

(if they can do it so can we ... so can we ... )

Turning back to the letter in front of her she rubbed a weary hand across her face leaving a smudge of ink on her cheekbone.

It seemed she had been writing forever, with so much to say and so much that had been left unsaid.

Her voice had been stifled, ignored and discarded for so long. Please god,  this time, let it be heard for surely the time was coming when the words would be lost forever and her voice faltered and finally fell silent.

The pages shimmered, ruffled by a breeze carrying the scent of ocean in it wake.

As she put out a hand to still them she watched the words she had written gradually fade and disappear and she realised it was too late.  The words were already gone.

Unwritten, unread, unheard ...

Who Am I? The Lounge Edition

This week The Lounge is being hosted by Kim from  Falling Face First and the subject is 'Work Woes' - Kim invites you to tell the story of your worst job ever and to be honest, I've got quite a few to choose from!

 Once again I've dug into the depths of Fudge and pulled out a post I wrote a while ago because, being lazy, why bother writing a new post when you have one made to measure mouldering away in the closet? it seems to fit perfectly with this weeks theme.


Who am I? (clue: I am NOT a Waitress)

I've had a variety of shit jobs in my time from cold calling for a charity trying to get people to drop donation envelopes to canvassing for a double glazing firm and working on a fruit and veg stall in a market.

I have also, in my time, done a fair amount of waitressing.

There used to be a very large, prestigious hotel in town called The County Hotel, it's now a Marks and Spencer store but in those days it held huge functions and banquets.

One of the biggest functions of the year was Boxing Night. An all male affair with dinner, stand up acts and the main event at the end of the evening, boxing.

Because it was so popular the tables were set out in rows, canteen style. But, whoever had set it up hadn't allowed for the fact that many of the men sported impressive beer bellies and had their chairs pushed so far away from the table that the poor waiting staff (i.e. me!) had barely any room to squeeze between them and the next row.

The bigger the tables, the bigger the platters of food to dish up. These things were huge, hot and heavy. Half way round the table my arm was shaking like Id stuck my finger in an electric socket and I'd resorted to flicking the food off the platter and hoping it would land on a plate. Luckily much alcohol had been consumed and no one really noticed or cared.

When I got to the end of the table I stood there, red in the face, shaking and sweating waiting for the other tables to be completed before I could go back to the kitchen.

I watched with interest as one of the other waitresses who was serving a table opposite me tried to squeeze between two rather rotund gentlemen. Suddenly, I realised she was actually resting a boiling hot platter of food one one of their heads!!!!

How the hell could he sit there laughing and chatting with half a ton of piping hot spuds frying his brain???

Almost at the same time I noticed the other waitress realised what she was doing. Slowly she tried to slide the platter off his head and OMG, his HAIR was sliding off with it!!!

I was in awe, had she MELTED his hair follicles???

Kind of ....

Very slowly she slid the platter back again trying to manoeuvre the toupee back into place but by now the glue had become very ungluey  and the damn thing started to slide backwards down his neck.

She caught my eye sending me a desperate 'help me' look.  In an attempt to create a diversion I threw my empty platter to the ground with a huge crash.  Unfortunately this unnerving the poor girl so much that she threw her own platter high into the air, scattering potatoes across the table and sending the toupee sailing, like some ungainly, hairy bird into the lap of the man opposite who, being rather more than half cut and not knowing what the hell it was completely freaked out clearly thinking he was under some kind of attack and promptly threw the toupee to the floor where he repeatedly stamped on it shouting 'DIE YOU BASTARD!!!'

Shortly after that (or maybe at that exact moment) I decided waitressing probably wasn't for me after all ....

A Photo For Tuesday

Because after the beautiful weekend the weather has turned pants.

Because yesterday I managed to put my back out so I'm feeling a little sorry for myself.

Because I have lots of things I need to do including baking cakes for a friend which I'd forgotten about until I just typed that!

Because I'd love to be able to rewind my weekend and do it all again ....

I've been messing with photos :-).

No idea what was going on here but feel free to suggest your own caption.

Where On Earth

Want to know where the best place on earth  to be this weekend was?

Well that's EASY!

It was exactly where I was!!

Obviously that's partly BECAUSE I was there, and let's face it, why would you want to spend the weekend somewhere I wasn't????

Surfer Dude told me he wouldn't swap me for Angelina Jolie even if she owned a cottage in Cornwall and a tractor with Clayber tyres and seriously, if you knew how much SD would LOVE a tractor with Claybers you'd realise what a HUGE compliment that was!

I think he's still trying to make up for the 'If your personality were as great as your ass you'd be damned near perfect' comment which he maintains he meant as a compliment but I'm not so sure .... ;-)

It's been a magical weekend.

SD and I headed for Cornwall and Run To The Sun - it's a huge car/music festival held in Trevelgue just outside Newquay where 8 or 9 thousand other car lovers/sun seekers descend to party the weekend away.

As ever, I think SD knew at least 7 thousand of them personally and managed to make friends with the rest while we were there but that's one of the things I love most about him (despite the fact that it slows our progress to the beer tent somewhat!).

I am (believe it or not) a fairly introverted person.  People who don't know me well sometimes think I'm a little aloof.  Of course, when you get to know me you know nothing could be further from the truth but I'm aware that it is an aura I give off ...

SD is the polar opposite of aloof - he's open, friendly, totally unselfconscious, unfailingly laid back and happy and he draws me in to his golden bubble because he says that these days, without me by his side, he feels like something is missing.

But, if being with SD in a place that I love with a great crowd of people wasn't enough for one girl (and believe me, it was!) then there was more!

When SD and I had had our fill of Mustangs, VDubs, Ford Pops, Cadillacs, Ferrari's and even an F1 car we went for a wander around Newquay.

We stopped a while at a cafe with a sun terrace overlooking Newquays 5 beaches and sat on a huge circular sofa in the blazing sun topping up our tans and drinking coffee.

We strolled hand in hand around the town visiting our favourite shops.

We walked across Barrowfields, a large grass area high above the town with views across the sand and sea to Wales and we took photos of each other snapping those happy moments so we can keep them forever (obviously I WAS gurning in most of them but SD has learnt to take LOTS in the hope of getting one decent snap of me).

and yes, this really was the best one ;-)

We dropped back down into the town and headed for the harbour where a fishing boat was pulling in followed by a couple of these:

These guys are seriously friendly and follow the boats in hoping to be thrown some fish.  They lie happily sunning themselves on the top of the water while you take photos and one came right up to the wall to take a good look at me, had I been able to reach I could have stroked him.

Our day ended back at Porth  in the Mermaid Inn - even if the food wasn't fantastic (which is is!!) - who could fault a view like this as you eat your dinner?

Tell me your weekend was more perfect than mine - I won't believe you ....

I'm one lucky bitch aren't I?

Seriously though, I hope you all had a great bank holiday weekend too and that it brought you as much happiness as mine did me.

Silent Sunday