Womens Best Kept Secret

                                                          With Diminishing Lucy



Oooh la la Bridget!

 What are control pants? Now Ive been asked this question a couple of times and I believe it's something every man should know.

Never having owned a pair I owe most of my knowledge to Bridget Jones. Im sure many of you have read the book or seen the film but can I suggest that those of you who havent, do? If you want to understand the inner working of a womans mind (and underwear) you really could go a long way and do a lot worse.

Control pants could come in many colours but are usually flesh coloured or black. They are big (there's no mistaking them!), made of nylon and have large panels of stretchy fabric. Normally stretchy fabric is to allow room for growth, not so control pants! These are used to hold in, flatten down and generally subdue bulges, rolls and generally unruly bits of the body.

They are apparently a nighmare to get on, involving lying on the floor and lots of wriggling, best (according to Bridget) rolled on with one hand whilst the other hand tucks in any wayward bits of flesh trying to escape.

Now, apart from the fact that Im lucky enough not to need (or dont care enough)  to wear them, they scare me! Where for instance does all this flesh go? Is it likely to suddenly appear mid date when the fight between pants and flesh becomes too much for them? Would I have an unsightly bulge suddenly pop out between the main course and the dessert? And what the hell would I do with it? Try and post it back in???

I think I'll just stick to letting it all hang out, that way, when Ive stopped trying to impress so much I wont need to explain why Ive suddenly increased by two dress sizes.

Besides, just say the date was going well, how would I explain why it's taken me half an hour to go to the loo (that's the minimum time required to get the damn things off and back on again)?

One thing I suppose you can be sure of, if a girls wearing control pants on a date with you, firstly, she likes you and secondly, you aint NEVER going to see them! :-)