Monday, 10 March 2014

The Hypodemic Nurdle

You know I've spent the last 18 months silently bemoaning the fact that my bedroom blinds only pull half way up the window for some reason before the cord thingy wont pull them any higher.  I'd assumed that SD (who very kindly put them up for me) had somehow done something wrong but I didn't like to mention it because I'm nice like that.

This morning Miss Mac walked into my bedroom and pulled both the blinds right up.  I was gobsmacked, no idea how she did it.  Then I realised that the whole time I'd been silently cussing SD for his less than satisfactory DIY efforts I'd actually pulling the cord the WRONG WAY!

Not sure why I'm telling you that.  I mean it's not like you don't already think I'm some kind of certifiable idiot (which I probably am but you are just to polite to say it) ...  Anyway, then I realised that because I hadn't been able to pull the blinds fully up I hadn't cleaned the tops of the windows in quite a while (or maybe even 18 months ...)  so I might just stick to pulling them half way and save on the housework because they look better like that ...

So spoonerisms - I'm sure you know what they are but the Wiki definition is as follows:

spoonerism is an error in speech or deliberate play on words in which corresponding consonantsvowels, or morphemes are switched (see metathesis) between two words in a phrase

Ermm, right ...

Apparently (and this IS only heresay) the Queen was once being shown around a park (or opening a park or something) and the person showing her around had been rehearsing for weeks what they were going to say.  When they reached the boating lake they turned to the Queen and said - 'We are very proud of our new boating lake, people come from far and wide to use their cunts and panoes ' - The Queen replied saying - 'Really?  Tell me, what exactly IS a panoe?' (Oh My God - I am SO sorry for the C word - but in my defence, it wasn't really ME who said it!!).

The other night SD was trying to remind me of a film we apparently watched together - I swear to god I didn't recall it at all (not even the bit where it was the end of the world or something and everyone escaped on giant arks which I'm sure IF I HAD WATCHED IT I would remember wouldn't I??? ...  Yes of course I would ....).  Anyway, he carried on banging on about the film (or possibly a different one, not really sure, stopped listening and was just nodding ...) when he said - 'you MUST remember THAT one, it's the one where they escape on speedgoats with buns!

I'm trying to work out how you spell the sound SNORT makes now cause that's what I did very loudly ...  several times ... until I had tears running down my face and SD was really rather pissed off with me ...  And it's STILL making me laugh days later - seriously, picture it please!!

Anyway, to show you that I'm not completely mean I'm now going to share with you something I once said, my most famous spoonerism that is still talked about in certain circles from time to time ...

I used to work on an IT help desk - I know, that's bloody hilarious in itself isn't it? But, in my defence, I WAS very caring when I said 'have you tried turning it off and then on again?' Anyway, I took a call from a user who had had a problem earlier in the day and who wanted to speak to the person who had dealt with it before.  'No problem' I said, 'I'll just transfer you' - turning to my colleague what I MEANT to say was  - 'M, I have Gordon Parker on the phone for you' but what I ACTUALLY said was - 'M, I have Garden Porker on the phone for you'  - I have this horrible feeling that I quietly cut him off at that point as frankly neither of us was capable of talking to him after that.

To be honest I wasn't really cut out to work on a helpdesk - I also once (slightly less famously) picked up the phone without really looking and smacked myself in the eye with it and then, to compound my stupidity said 'hello service desk, can you help me?'

Hmmm, anyway, what about you?  Made an arse of yourself lately?  Please share so I don't feel so alone ...

1 comment:

K Ville said...

A day without me making myself look a twat is a day without sunshine to be frank, but speedgoats?! You are going to have so many opportunities to bring that one up over and over again!

"Look at those lambs running, bet they are trying to catch up with the speedgoats"

"Look at those goats, bet they'd eat a bun very very fast"

Maybe second it too subtle for a man!

Never really understood why everyone else's windows look clean but I never see them cleaning them and mine look filthy and I clean them loads. So glad yours are dirty :)