fudge

Wednesday, 3 July 2013

Mr Timmis

As I settle myself at my usual table in the corner of the garden in the shelter of the high bamboo I reflect that my lack of internet at home may not be such a bad thing after all.

It gives me the opportunity to quench my endless thirst for people watching and, in a place where others are either in groups or absorbed in the paper I'm almost unnoticed as I cast my eyes over my drinking companions.

Although its barely lunchtime each of them without fail has some kind of alcoholic beverage clasped in their hand or on the table in front of them. I glance at my own glass of lime and soda, without ice today as its slightly less warm than of late.

To my left is a rowdy table of young lads each competing to be heard over the babble of chatter and laughter.  As I watch one of them reaches onto his back pocket and I see a glint of green and gold as he pulls out a pouch of baccy.  Carefully he teased the tightly compacted strands from the packet and lays them carefully along the crease of the paper he holds in his other hand.

Suddenly they all throw their heads back laughing uproariously at something and he swears softly under his breath as the action causes a cascade of brown flakes to shower down on him.  In an action I find hard to follow or fathom he lifts the paper to his mouth and deftly licks the gummed strip from left to right before swiftly rolling it and placing a perfect cigarette between his lips.

In front of me sit a couple, their drinks untouched on the table in front of them.  His a brimming glass of coke with a slice of lime resting on top of the ice - hers a white wine which touches the demarcation line two thirds of the way up the glass.

Something about the slump of his shoulders and the set of hers tells me that they are not happy.  Both of them appear absorbed in their drinks until suddenly she leans forward and starts talking in a low voice.  There's an urgency about the way she talks, she grips her glass tightly without ever raising it to her lips and a slight frown gives her vertical lines between her brows.

I can't hear what she says and I'm glad of it, I don't want to intrude that far into their lives but I watch him as she talks, his gaze never falters from the effervescent bubbles in his glass as though he would happily plunge into its depths where the slice of citrus in his drink would hardly be less sharp than her tone.

Beyond them sits a lone man.  In his hands he holds a pipe. Carefully he scrapes the barrel with some instrument before upending it and sharply tapping it on the edge of the ashtray.

Instantly I am transported back to the classroom.

I see the wooden desks with their criss cross of lines from generations carving their initials.  The hinged lids that when raised reveal the storage  compartment beneath and the inkwells filled each morning and from which we refill our pens before carefully copying the beautiful italic script on the board into our books.

I smell the chalk dust in the air competing with the wildflowers that fill the deep stone sills high above our heads.

I hear the voice of Mr Timmis our teacher as he guides us quietly but with authority through our times tables.

He is a tall man of millitary bearing and I have no doubt that at some point in a previous life he has served his queen and country.  He is immaculately dresses in a starched white shirt over which he wears a tweed jacket with a green thread running through it.  His high waisted trousers have a sharp crease running down the front and end in highly polished shoes.

He rules his class with a rod of iron, his pipe firmly clenched between his teeth as backboard rubbers fly catching the back of the heads of the inattentive with unerring accuracy.

Each April 1st we would buy capsules from the joke shop that, when inserted into a pipe, gave out great clouds of white smoke once lit.

Each April 1st Mr Timmis would find a reason to leave his unlit pipe on his desk while he left the room for a few minutes.

The bravest among us would hurriedly insert a capsule into the barrel of his pipe before rushing red faced and shaking with fear and excitement back to their desk.

After lunch in the playground we would gather round, our collective gaze on the closed window of the headmastsrs study.

Suddenly the window would burst open and great clouds of white smoke would billow out aided in its departure by a flapping cloth and we would laugh and clutch each other in excitement as we celebrated 'fooling' our teacher once again.

Mr Timmis was a hard task master. A stickler for good manners and didn't suffer fool's lightly but beyond the stern gaze lurked a twinkle of humour and for all we were terrified of him we loved him for that too.

Monday, 1 July 2013

Getting My Garbo On

Much as I love my family and friends and enjoy spending time with them, there are times when I crave solitude. Times when I find  the simple presence of others overwhelmingly claustrophobic.

Times when I just want to be alone.

This weekend I should have been at the races. I should have been enjoying the amazing weather in the company of friends soaking up the fun and the sunshine.

I realised on Friday that what I needed was time to myself.  Normally I'd just get over myself. Paint on a happy face and get out there and have some fun ( and by all accounts it was a fantastic day), but this weekend that feeling was too intense and I just wanted time to think.

Ironically the last thing I gave myself time to do was think.

I whipped myself up into a storm of cleaning ( and I'm talking emptying cupboards, wiping down walls and skirting, cleaning the outside drain, proper hard core cleaning....).

Although I didn't want to be with people it seems I didn't want to think either.

Yesterday, in an effort to regain my 'best girlfriend in the world' title (SD was rather disappointed in my no show) I spent the day in the garden painting the new wheels for the beach buggy and burning myself to a crisp at the same time.

SD was away all day taking some kids from his school to a football tournament in Birmingham, a huge achievement for those kids who are the South West champs.

SD has decided that we should move from 4 stud to wide 5's on the buggy ( something that unless you know what I'm talking about will interest you not at all so I won't bang on about it) he also decided that they should be white having spent several weeks telling me that they should be black as its almost impossible to get a decent finish in white!

Anyway, they got 2 coats yesterday and will get the final one this afternoon but I thought I'd take a little time out to come chat with you ...

I'm just waffling really, nothing much to say, still feeling that odd sense of feeling rather flat for no particular reason.

Maybe its internet withdrawal. Having to come out to pick up WiFi has well and truly lost its appeal. I should get my replacement router in the next day or so which means I'll be back properly fingers crossed.

Maybe I do just need to allow myself that time to think rather than filling my time with franetic activity.

Maybe I just need to get over myself - yep, I think that's the one.

Maybe I'll live dangerously and give the tabard an outing ;-)

Whatever it is that's bugging me right now I'm sure I'll be over it pretty soon - I'm rarely down for long.

More of that PUREFUCKINGSTYLE coming at ya soon  :-)

Friday, 28 June 2013

A photo for Friday

Linking up with Allison at The Fibro where this weeks theme fir the rewind is SHORT.

Well, they dont come much shorter, posts OR dresses ;-)

.......

And if course I'd forgotten it was Friday.
Well, I've banged on about this bloody dress/poncho/scarf/tabard whatever its really supposed to be enough so here it is ...
Hit or miss - I can't decide.

Knocking The Cup Over

Did I say a couple of weeks ago that life was so good something must be about to go horribly wrong?

I bloody jinxed myself didn't I?

In the last couple of weeks my camera has broken. Lens error which means it won't retract and is apparently unmeandable AND its only a couple of months out of guarantee AND I bought it from bloody Jesspos who went belly up a couple of months ago!

My internet at home has gone from erratic to non existant and so far no one knows why.

Then, to top it all, today I discovered that Whatsapp ( a free messaging app I use quite a lot for some people) has uninstalled itself AGAIN on my phone and won't reinstall as it says its already installed!!!

Bloody technology is out to get me I tell you!

I'm also becoming rather too well known at my local Mambos as I try desperately to keep in touch with the virtual world. I'm half ecpecting them to put a plaque with my name on it on this table.

On the plus side, my house is spotless, I even cleaned the bathroom ceiling this morning with sugar soap and bleach ( which incidentally smells of wee - sugar soap that is NOT my bathroom - that is a toxic mass of competing chemicals, hence I am at the pub breathing in fried food and fag smoke - an easy way to heart disease without actually having to make the effort to actually eat or smoke!).

Not all is bad in my world though. I'm off to the races this weekend which, if the weather is nice should be fun and I'm hopeful that my internet problems will be resolved soon.

Big thanks to Slapdash Mama for pointing me in the direction of the blogger app, sooo much easier!!

Back properly soon (I hope).

Have a great weekend whatever you are up to.

Thursday, 27 June 2013

The Lounge - The Pub and Phone Edition

So today we are freestyling over at The Lounge with Slapdash Mama the only stipulation is that you use the word bacon in your post - well, thats me done then ;-)

Seriously though, normally Id be like a pig in muck, positively revelling in pithy porcine prose but to be honest, Im more just in the shit!

Bloody tinternet STILL isnt working at home and I am blogging from my phone people!!!

I may or may not have spell check. I may or may not be able to publish this.  It'll be a bloody miricle if I can link it to either the Fudge FB page OR The Lounge but I am nothing if not game (which BACON is not incidently).

I have SO much to tell you but Im fairly sure that Im going to spend an hour typing all this just for it to disappear without a trace so Im just going to give you a few highlights.

* No internet = spotless house and immaculate garden.

* Items found under Miss Macs bed = 7 empty water bottles, 12 used makeup wipes, 1 very dusty malteaser ( brifely considered eating it) and 27p which I am keeping!

* whilst I maintain that anyone CAN where leggings Im not sure anyone SHOULD with a crop top and heels (but I shall refrain from telling the girl Im looking at).

* I have NO room to judge having apparently bought myself a tabbard in mistake for a dress

* I love bacon almost as much ( but not quite) as I hate blogging from my phone!!

I will return with a proper post at some point - bear with me ...

Friday, 21 June 2013

Sarah Says Stuff ( and so do other people...)

I have something of a love/hate relationship with quotes - on the one hand I LOVE quotes - I love words I love things that really mean something and send a message.

I know, I know, you re shaking your heads in disbelief aren't you - come on, you can admit it!  If you've read much of my blog you'll know I often drivel on without meaning anything or sending any kind of message at all.

I KNOW that people but it doesn't mean I don't appreciate a good quote.

A very long time ago I wrote a post with my interpretation of some Winnie The Pooh quotes - I love that little bear who, unlike my own Bear of Little Brain sometimes has a way of saying exactly what I'm thinking but so much more eloquently.

I've posted a couple of Poohisms on Fudges FB page recently, mostly to be honest to counteract all the crappy inspirational/educational claptrap that seems to clog up my news feed on a daily basis (mostly on my personal FB rather than the blog one to be fair).

It shits me people, it really does!!!  Why would I want a picture of a tree or a boat or a rainbow with a stupid anal comment attached?  Is it going to make me think?  Is it going to change my life??  Is it going to give me a feel good glow???

No, no and NO!

What it does it make me want to repeatedly bitch slap the person who posted it which probably makes me a bitch but hey, I never said I was perfect.


I know - I've used this one before but it makes you think ;-)


Actually, I generally ignore them (after a little eye rolling and muttering 'get a life ffs') because I know Im being a bitch but seriously?  There are so many great quotes out there that you cant find something better to post?

Personal favs of mine are, as mentioned, Winnie the Pooh (or AA Milne in general) - Grouco Marx - Erma Bombeck and Abraham Lincoln.

This Winnie the Pooh quote so reminds me of ...  well, my life actually:

“Now then, Pooh," said Christopher Robin, "where's your boat?"
"I ought to say," explained Pooh as they walked down to the shore of the island, "that it isn't just an ordinary sort of boat. Sometimes it's a Boat, and sometimes it's more of an Accident. It all depends."
"Depends on what?"
"On whether I'm on the top of it or underneath it.” 

Anyway, I'm thinking of doing a new series - I KNOW - exciting no???

I've been so crap good at keeping up with my Photo For Friday - shit, that's TODAY isn't it ...

Ok, here's a quickie I took the other day before I ate it:



Yes, it's Christmas pudding and yes, I KNOW it's June - is there a problem with that?

And of course I've got my other series going, 'shooting from the hip' - another photo series where I take photos of my legs/feet in different locations because .... well, because I CAN!

So, I thought I could call this BRAND NEW SERIES aniquoteies (anti quote ies) and post serious shit like:

'Outside of a dog a book is mans best friend, inside of a dog it's too dark to read' Grocho Marx -  or:

'My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?' Erma Bombeck

And, one of my all time favourites (and actually a serious one this time):

'Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be' Abraham Lincoln.

See, those are all factual and true not a load of crappy tree hugging shit that makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a teaspoon.

And sometimes I might just make shit up of my own because actually,  I sometimes think insightful things too you know ;-)

What do you think?

Antiquoties yes or no??

nb.  I'm going to do it anyway so that was just a rhetorical question - want to read my Antiquoties then you'll need to pop over to the Fudge Face book page where Sarah says stuff.

Thursday, 20 June 2013

I Am Not The Alien - The Lounge Addition

This week The Lounge is being hosted by Robomum and the topic is Ranting and Raving.

Well, I struggled a bit at first - I seriously couldn't think of anything to rant about so I took a  quick look through some past posts to see if I had anything that fitted the bill.

I found this and I remembered my frustration when I first started using my new phone.  I could barely get the bloody thing to switch on let alone DO anything with it.

This is a transcript of the very first text conversation I had on my Android:

I Am Not The Alien - It's An Effing Android!!!

Today I had my arm twisted  decided it was about time I stopped being such a whoose  and started using my 'new' phone (hmmm, that would actually be the one I got for Christmas!).

Yep, I can do this,  how hard can it possibly it be?

Judge for yourself. This is the conversation I had earlier with, well, lets just call him M (you KNOW who you are!).

M: How's your evening going - are you having fun with your new phone :)

Me: Not er

Me: Fuck

M: Lots of swearing today Mrs Mac!!!

Me: ,

M: And random commas?

Me: Lol, bastard phl

Me: Lp

Me: Fuck it

M: It's amazing - every swear word is spelt perfectly!!

Me: Whag

Me: ,

Me: B

Me: N

Me: N

Me: N

M:  What? - It's like talking to a demented alien!

Me: Haha, I give up! C

M: Don't give up - are you trying to type on a phone type keypad?

Me: No

M: On a proper qwerty keypad?

Me: Yes fuckin thing

M: You must have very fat fingers to type that badly - turn the phone sideways

Me: ok tg

Me: Fuck off my finbers arent fat

Me: Finbers

Me: Arse, fongerz

I think that went pretty well really ...............