fudge

Monday, 21 November 2011

F*CK - I Think I Killed The Cat!!!

You might remember that a couple of weeks ago I thought the hamster was dead (and yet still put my daughter to bed in the same room).

Well, tonight as I was cooking tea (peppered steak, mashed potato, veg and gravy for those who might wish to know).

Anyway, there I was peeling the potatoes. The last of the bag thrust upon me kindly given to me by Woody.

Now these potatoes came straight out of the ground (yes KNOW they all do - I was brought up in the country doncha know :) and were still covered in mud.

So, before peeling them I gave them a bit of a scrub.

One of those suckers shot straight out of my hand (like a bar of soap through the air) and clocked the cat  (who, at the time, was busy eating a sock in the washing basket) on the head!

Bear (he of little brain) went down like ........... well,kind of  like a sack of spuds really .....

Seriously, I may not be a huge fan of that little fucker cute ball of black and white fluff (let's not forget he has crapped behind my telly twice, in my bath once, eaten a hole through a cake I'd just made and left half a frog and frog juice on my kitchen floor) but I wouldn't intentionally hurt him!

Actually, it's hard to tell if any real damage has been done.

Sure he is just sitting in the kitchen staring intently at the dogs water bowl.

But to be honest, he spends quite a lot of his time staring gormlessly at stuff anyway ....

Hmm, I shall go and poke him just to set your minds at rest .....

I was planning a bit of a ranty post - I don't think I've done one of those for a while but it kind of got over taken by the potato/cat story and I'm feeling slightly less ranty now.

I did have a bit of a ranty bender yesterday though.  I did something I've been wanting to do for a while but not had the courage to.

I defriended all those people on FB that are there because either they asked me to be their friend right at the beginning (even though I don't know them) and I was desperate not to look like a billy no mates.

I still don't know them, never comment on their posts or they on mine and so, they are GONE.

I also defriended a couple of people who I'm not really sure ARE my friends or have my best interests at heart.

Now I tend not to post anything very inflammatory on FB but even so, there are some people who don't need to know my business or who might want to share it with others when I'd really they rather didn't.

HOW paranoid do I sound??  (Well, if they stopped talking about me I might not be ;)

So, 11 people got the chop but I also added a new friend and somehow, I think my new friend is probably worth more than the eleven I culled.

I was wondering which blog to link to today and then I came across this post by Carmen at A Life Less Ordinary.

Read her quick before she blows herself up or something (no really, she MIGHT!)





FYBF

Sunday, 20 November 2011

Saturday At Sarah's House

Linking up With Robo for The Lounge this week where we talk about parenting ...  or a lack thereof ...

I am a glutton for punishment.

In my house I have not only the two teenagers that belong to me,not three,not even four but five, yes I said FIVE teenagers staying the night!!

It wasn't intentional, it was just one of those damned 'things' again!

Having accidentally agreed to having my house invaded I decided the best option was to have plenty of crap to bribe them with so I set off for Sainsburys.

I loaded my trolley up with donuts, popcorn, marshmallows, coke, mediced and wine (the latter two being for me!).

All was going reasonably well until I hit the checkout.  Now I've explained why I should never be let loose on a self service check out before (if you haven't read this you really need to to understand)  so why the f*ck I thought it was a good idea tonight I have NO idea!!

One gripe I may not have mentioned before is the size of  the area you put your shopping after scanning it.  It's slightly larger than a postage stamp.

Having scanned my shopping (only requiring two visits from the lovely lady with her magic swipe card).  Having cussed and sworn at  conversed pleasantly with the electronic voice telling me to 'please remove item from bagging area' ect. I tried to feed a twenty pound note into the slot to pay for my shopping.

It wasn't having any of it.

I smoothed the note free of wrinkles, I turned it around and tried it the other way.  I attempted to take the damned machine by surprised by whipping the note away and then pretending to look away while I thrust it back in.

 It wasn't having ANY of it I tell you!

As I turned to try and catch the eye of the assistant (who by now was trying to avoid mine) my arm caught one of the bottles of coke and sent it flying.

That bastard EXPLODED everywhere!!

 It was like an effing bomb going off.

 A fountain of coke shot into the air.  Covered me and all my shopping.  It took out the adjoining three checkouts and sent a river of coke across the floor.

I stood there completely speechless. Coke dripping from my hair into my eyes,  ALL over my leather jacket and down my jeans.

Everybody looking at me very accusingly and muttering as the checkout assistant handed out sheets kitchen roll for them to mop themselves down with.

Just how many times could I, how many times SHOULD I say I was sorry?

It was an accident FFS.  You think I do these things for fun???

And so, I went home, dripping, sticky and very subdued to find my dog frantically humping the leg of one of Master Macs friends who had a bitch on heat at home.

Teenagers find that kind of thing HILLARIOUS - poor Gus is very disturbed (not to mention frustrated)

Miss Mac and her friend toasted the marshmallows over the gas ring on my hob leaving a glutenous sticky mess all over it but, quite frankly DILLIGAF?

They then taught me how to do the running man (there may be a vlog to follow on that one!) and now they are all upstairs.

I don't care what they are doing. I shall not be going to investigate what is going on despite the shouting, the screaming and the general sounds of things breaking above me.

I have wine.

I have toast.

I have you.

So, how was YOUR Saturday night??


Saturday, 19 November 2011

Kiss 'n Tell ...

Now I've decided (for no particular or valid reason) that I'm an expert in the field of kissing and so I thought I'd share a little of my expertise with you.

All of the below are based on my own personal findings and are part of an ongoing study.

Let me tell you, there are many different types of kisser and many of them are NOT good!

You may have come across one or two of these yourself.

To start with we have

The wide mouthed frog

If you see one of these homing in on you then be seriously scared.

Back away from THAT sucker!!

If your escape route is blocked then try evasive tactics.

Fake a sneeze ... belch ... faint ... vomit.

ANYTHING  but let him attach himself to your face.

I came across one once.


FFS,  I thought he was going to swallow me whole!

I now know how a drain feels when it's being plunged.

The stunned look on my face was only matched by the look of absolute horror on his at my bare face after he'd hoovered off all my make up!

I shit you not, I half expected to see a pair of false lashes adorning his front teeth.

Then we have:

The guy with the freakishly long tongue


Now this one can be hard to spot unless you get all your dates to eat an ice cream before kissing them (not such a bad idea).

If he can reach the bottom of the cone without the aid of a chocolate flake then the chances are he's going to be able to dust the back of your tonsils with that monster.

The average human tongue is about 4cm in total and most of that is kept inside the mouth (which is because THAT is where it belongs!!)

Whereas a giraffe can apparently clean its own ears with its tongue.

I do not wish to snog a giraffe!

My own experience took me completely by surprise.  Everything was going pretty well until, like a conjurer pulling ribbons from his mouth in reverse, he stuck that damned thing so far down my throat he effectively cut off my air supply.

That noise I made?

No, It wasn't a moan of passion.

It was my effing GAG reflex kicking in!

This is closely followed by:

The drooler


I have no wish to be awash with your saliva thank you.

I do not want your drool dripping from my chin.

I don't want your lips sliding all over my face like an ice skater on speed or an out of control pin ball.

I might like the thought that I could make someone salivate but believe me I DO NOT want to wear it!

And finally

The tooth licker


Oh yes, he really does exist

Honest to god, I once had someone actually lick my  teeth!

WTF are you licking my TEETH for??

Now, maybe to you licking my teeth is no less gross than sticking your tongue in my mouth I don't know.

But, from a personal point of view. Not only do I think it's really VERY weird.

It's also hugely distracting.

VERY, VERY unsexy.

And leaves me wondering ...

What the hell is next on your lick list?

My fecking toenails???

Just realised that I forgot to add the link to one of my favorite blogs today, doh!

Ok - today's shout out is for Sif and her blog At the bottom of the Garden - I find this lady fascinating.  She writes a wide variety of posts and she has entered a promotion campaign for mummy bloggers. (and she believes in elves!)

Well, I think she deserves more recognition so, if you pop over and agree please follow the link in her post and vote for her.  Thank you :)

Sunday, 13 November 2011

“To The Uneducated An A Is Just Three Sticks.”

Now maybe that's not strictly true but I can see where A A Milne was coming from.

To you and I and those who love to read, who love to write, the collection of sticks that make up the written word is one of the most precious commodities we have.  

 They help us make sense of the world.  They allow us to share our inner most hopes, our fears and dreams.

They give us a voice.

I'm a huge fan of quotations.  Sometimes it seems that everything has already been said before and its just the form that our writing takes that makes it unique to us.


“A quotation is a handy thing to have about, saving one the trouble of thinking for oneself.” 


Winnie the Pooh is a children's story written by Milne for and about his son Christopher Robin with characters inspired by his collection of stuffed animals.

But looking a little closer into some of his writing you can find a much deeper meaning in his words, so much that applies to us all.

He talks about friendship:

“It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like "What about lunch?” 

With true friends sometimes only the simplest words are needed.

“I don’t feel very much like Pooh today," said Pooh. 

"There there," said Piglet. "I’ll bring you tea and honey until you do.” 

Friends will always be there to bring you whatever you need.  Sometimes even the things you didn't know you needed.

“It's snowing still," said Eeyore gloomily. 
"So it is." 
"And freezing." 
"Is it?" 
"Yes," said Eeyore. "However," he said, brightening up a little, "we haven't had an earthquake lately.” 

Friends will ALWAYS look for the positives when you are feeling down.


He talks about tolerance and respect:


"You can't help respecting anybody who can spell TUESDAY, even if he doesn't spell it right; but spelling isn't everything. There are days when spelling Tuesday simply doesn't count.” 

How true is that - what you say is so much more important than how you say it sometimes.

“If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.” 

Maybe sometimes we are too quick to jump to conclusions. To judge people.  Maybe sometimes we should just give them a little time to remove that piece of fluff.

He talks about understanding yourself: 

“I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost.” 

Hmmm, I know THAT one so well ...

“The things that make me different are the things that make me.” 

Well, who wants to be just like everyone else?

Not me!

After all, as the old Indian said "If everyone looked alike then everyone would want my squaw"



“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.”

We spend so much time rushing around that sometime we forget to just be.  Everybody needs to take time out.  How often do we lose sight of the things that really matter as life gets in the way.

  Life really is too short to not be happy.

He talks about love:

“I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart for so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time.” 

The people you love may not always be in your life but they are always in your dreams. 

“How do you spell 'love'?" - Piglet 
"You don't spell it...you feel it." - Pooh” 

Well, what could I possibly add to that? ;)

He talks about understanding yourself:

“Hallo, Rabbit,” he said, “is that you?” 

"Let’s pretend it isn’t,” said Rabbit, “and see what happens.” 

Something I love to do every now and then – who doesn’t imagine how different life could be if only ….

I don't see much sense in that," said Rabbit. 
"No," said Pooh humbly, "there isn't. But there was going to be when I began it. It's just that something happened to it along the way.” 

Story of my life J

And, my all time favourite Pooh quote:

“Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called.” 


“TTFN Ta Ta For Now!” 

Saturday, 5 November 2011

Back Of The Net

If you were hoping for a post about football stop reading now ;)

I know nada about footy but I do know a little about Internet dating some of which I thought I'd share.

A couple of things recently got me thinking about my time on a dating website.

One was a post by Lorie about Internet Dating.

One was a status update on FB.

The other was a post from Fiona asking 'Why Do You Blog'?

Now, I've spoken a little before about my experience of Internet dating.  In fact, my blog wouldn't exist with out it.

The dating website I was on had a diary facility.  I used to have a little read through from time to time and to be honest, with only a few exceptions, it was enough to put me off the diary writers for life!

I seriously though about starting up a self help group teaching people how to sell themselves (not literally you understand).

The diary proved to be quite popular and I had a bit of a regular following.

Fiona asked me why I'd left the sight and was it because I'd met my 'Mr Perfect' so I said I would reveal all and here it is:

Well, yes and no Fiona.

I did meet someone very special and that IS why I left the site.  Someone very far from perfect (just like me:).

 But, well ...

Anyway, that's not what this post is about.  In THIS post I am going to share with you a few of the smiles that Internet dating brought me.

Loris experiences are in someways similar to my own (although I have to admit, I've never had anyone think my name was douche!).

Ok, now I have always said that I wouldn't make fun of anyone that contacted me through the site.  Many of them struggled to express themselves.  For some English wasn't their first language.  Some had obvious issues with spelling and grammar.

None of the above particularly bothered me.  I was far more interested in what they had to say not how they said it.

So yes, I will share the content of some messages but I shan't be naming names:

This one made me smile and we did in fact meet up for a coffee:


"I guess you get a thousand plus messages a day on here,...gorgeous pic ....,........so,.... fingers and indeed toes crossed that you look at and read my bits on here and come back and say hi,............I come with no government health warnings, skeletons in cupboards, grey hairs or ASBO's,.....but I do come 

Okay without anymore waffle I will press send and let this site work its magic,............ "


Of COURSE he was a player and I don't run as part of a crowd but in was in the early days when I knew no better ...


********************************



"hello 18:40, 13/07/10 
i will like to know you and be your frined,if you are interested can you get in torch with me"


Well I wasn't so I didn't


****************************************


In response to a request to meet up that I politely declined:

RE: hello 19:04, 13/07/10 
"thanks i quite appreciate your frankness and wish you well too,but incase you have a friend that might be interested in me let me know i dont mind coming to see the fellow"








******************************************

"Could you be my soil mate?"


You know what?  I VERY much doubt it!


*****************************************


"sudece my boby if you like whot you see..."


YUM, well, I really, really did like what I saw but he was far too young so I sent a message back offering to give him English lessons instead!


****************************************************


And got the reply:


"heve you dan 3 same be 4 id couple?"


Ha ha, THAT served me right! ;)


****************************************************


Really didn't know HOW to answer this one (so I didn't)


"Do you keep bees and scuba dive?  If so, you are an enigma and possibly my ideal woman"


**************************************************


Oh, and not forgetting Robbie (yes you SHOULD be named and shamed)  The only one who 


a) asked if he could be my 'tatty bear' and


 b) got extremely offensive when I said no.


A few very sweet VERY young guys sent me messages which was when I discovered that lots of these sites are linked and I was being featured on a toy boy website!


In response to one slightly over eager young guy I did respond:


 'Alex, I have a CAT older than you!'


My advice if you are tempted to go down this road? 


Treat it as a bit of fun.  Don't expect too much and who knows, the worst that might happen is that you have a few laughs and a bit of an ego boost.


I don't have any regrets (well, not many, not really ....)