Thursday, 11 May 2017

"We Are All A Little Bit Broken

But last time I checked broken crayons still colour the same"

That's a quote by someone called Trent Shelton.

Now I don't know where or when I heard it and I had no idea until I just googled it who had said it.

It turns out that Trent Shelton is a former American football wide receiver who is currently the founder and president of a Christian-based non-profit organization, RehabTime.

I don't even know what a football wide receiver IS.

I once bought Miss Mac a thing that melted broken crayons and made them into new ones.  You could mix or swirl the crayons to make a multi coloured new one.  You could save up all the small bits when the crayon was worn down and make something usable again.

I don't know if you ever saw them but a few years ago there was a craze for lipsticks that changed colour as you wore them.

They didn't colour the same ...

And what about people who are colour blind?

Some of them are going round colouring grass in red.

So, while I think that is quite a cool quote (and other than Winnie the Pooh, Groucho Marx and the odd Erma Bombeck quote) I'm really not a huge fan of quotes and I still think it's a bit bollocks when you look at it closely.

Where am I going with this ...

God, I don't really know.  I think when I started it was all about how people see things differently.

If you asked Ex Lax his story it would be very different to mine.

He would colour his grass in red.

In a previous post I talked about Master Mac.  A son many of you may have had no idea I had.

Master Mac was born in the early morning on 11th March 1997, 9 days late.

This was the first indication that he would do things in his own good time.

The very first time I looked into his face I was struck by his eye lashes.  They were SO long, so dark and curled up at the ends.

The kind of lashes that women spend so much money having infills, perms and extensions to have.

So long that when his eyes were closed they cast a shadow half way down his soft, plump cheek.

He was perfect.  He was beautiful.  I felt (as I have with all my children) that I was born to be his mother.

I fell totally and completely in love with him.

Nothing that has happened and nothing that will happen has or could ever change how I feel.

Master Mac was a happy child.  He loved his little sister who was born when he was just 13 months old.

But, as I said before, he did things in his own way and in his own time.

He was a little slow to walk and talk.  Nothing too concerning but I guess that it was more noticeable because Miss Mac was in such a hurry to do everything.  The gap between them often seemed less because the distance between childhood milestones was often less than their age gap.

Master Mac didn't have any developmental problems, he just did things when HE was ready.

I guess one of the most noticeable thing (and he probably wouldn't thank me for telling you this) was toilet training.

I tried several times to toilet train Master Mac from the age of about 18 months but he wasn't interested.  It didn't matter too much.  I wasn't in a hurry.  I didn't feel the need to compete in the way some Mums do.  He just wasn't ready.

In fact, when Master Mac was about 3 and able to talk to me, to tell me how he felt and what he wanted I asked him why he didn't want to use the toilet.

'I'll do it when I go to school' he told me.  'I'll be a big boy then'.

You know, that's exactly what he did!

Right up until the very day he started school aged 4 and a bit Master Mac was in nappies.

The morning he went to school he worn proper pants and never wore a nappy day or night from that day. 

Never once did he have an accident.

Master Mac decided when he was a big boy.

The other thing that was a little different about Master Mac was that he spoke to only a very few people.

I don't know how or why he decided who he would speak to.

I suspect now that he had some kind of selective mutism , something I knew nothing about until much later and, at the time, it was just seen as one of his little quirks, no one flagged it up for concern, it was just Master Mac.

In the entire 2 years or so that he was at nursery he spoke to no one there.  He was well behaved.  He played with other children. He pointed to things he wanted.  He appeared happy and content.  He just didn't speak.

Again, before he started school I spoke to him about this.  I didn't understand it and obviously neither did he but I did ask him how he felt about talking to people once he started school.

'I'll be fine' he told me.  'I'll talk to people at school'.

And he did!

He was never a big talker.  He struggled a little to express himself at times.  He was never going to be a chatterbox but he was fine.  He spoke when he needed to and he spoke when he was spoken to.  He was well behaved and played with other children.

Master Mac has always been popular.  People like him, other children liked him.  I don't know if it was the air of not really being concerned if people liked him that drew them to him.  He DID care but he didn't push himself forward and so people came to him.

He formed some very close friendships in those early years.  Four or five other boys who became almost like family to us they were here so often.  He still maintains those friendships.  I still have a huge soft spot for those boys.

Master Mac idolised his Dad.

He saw him as big and strong.  The life and soul of the party.  The fun parent.

It's very true to say that Ex Lax could be ALL of those things.

He wasn't all bad all of the time and I fully understood my little boys adulation.

In 2012 after a very difficult year, after court case after court case. After some terrible things happened.  When I was worn down, very ill and completely broken.  Both of my children went to live with their father.

I will blog the full story soon but for now I'll just leave it at that.

Miss Mac very quickly wanted to come home.

Master Mac chose not to for so many very convoluted reasons.

I desperately wanted them both home.

Master Mac never came home.  I miss him every day.  I love him more than words can say.  He knows how I feel.

Since April 2012 the only contact I have had with Master Mac has been through others.  I've seen him on a couple of occasions when circumstances have meant we are in the same place.  He doesn't acknowledge Christmas and Birthday presents although Miss Mac tells me he receives them.  We have no direct contact but I know he is ok, I know he is well and I have learned to cope with that.

That's not entirely true ...

I DO find ways to cope with it.  I have to so that I can function.

I even understand why he does this.  I know it's not because he doesn't love me and I know he knows I love him.

It's incredibly complex but one thing I do know.  I don't apportion any blame to him.  I understand.  I love him unconditionally.  My door is and always will be open to him.

He is and always will be my 'Best Boy'.

I love you best boy


SARN said...

Oh my goodness . . . I know your post was probably highly edited . . . but how terribly sad.

That's all I can say.

Big hugs going out to you xxx

Sarah said...

You are right on both counts Sarn, it IS heavily edited because to tell the full story it really needs a post of it's own.

It's terribly sad because I totally forgive Master Mac for his choices in fact there was never anything to forgive as far as I was concerned. I think he made the wrong choice but I do understand why. I don't think he knows how to come back from it. I do know his Dad takes pleasure in his choices because they hurt me so much. I know he doesn't consider the damage that has been done to our son. I don't think he cares about that.

I live in the hope that one day we will mend this, I have to believe that we will, I know we can. xxx

joeh said...

Different reasons, different story, but I did not see my son from 18 to 28 and still see him only on occasions. It is sad. He now lives 3000 miles away, but I am visiting next week.

I'm hope things will work out for you soon.

Sarah said...

It a terrible to thing happen isn't it Joe? The reasons and the story don't really matter in the long run, the end result is the same. People are damaged beyond belief. I'm so glad you have been able to re-build a relationship with your son even if it isn't the relationship you should have had. It gives me hope. I still think Master Mac needs his Mum. God know, I know I need him.

Val said...

Well...maybe he's just not ready yet.

My dad had a big rift with his mother. When I was around 13-14, and she came to visit every couple of weeks, Dad went out the back door as Grandma came in the front. Wouldn't speak to her or about her. It went on for about 20 years. Then one day, while I was visiting Grandma at her house, my dad pulled into the driveway and started talking to her like nothing had ever happened.

Their problem started when my dad was already an adult. I hope your son sorts things out with you. I know it's heartbreaking. Our son Genius got mad shortly after he left for college, and didn't talk to us for about a month. We were the worst people in the world, according to him. Then he gradually got over it, and everything went back to normal.

Mommy Stockley said...

I can hardly imagine your pain. You must miss him terribly. Hugs to you and to both of your lovely children x