Hog Tied

Now it's possibly that title might get me a few unintentional hits on my blog.  But if you were looking for a bit of S&M, sorry, you came to the wrong place :)

I had a dream on Monday night.

(Well, technically it could have been any time between about 1:30am and 6:45am on Tuesday morning when I was sleeping.)

I dreamt I had a voicemail message.

It was from someone who is very important to me.  Someone I think about often.  Someone who has had a huge impact on my life and has been a big influence on me and the person I am today.

In my dream their message is very garbled. They are upset, in tears possibly.  They are trying desperately to tell me something.

I catch the odd word and try and make sense of it.  I don't know if I have understood what they are trying to tell me. I listen to it over and over.

I THINK I know what they are saying but I'm worried.

I'm worried that I hear what I want to hear.

I've been thinking about it quite a lot.

So why not just phone them?

Well, it's a little more complicated than that.

The truth is my dream is almost certainly a projection of my own feelings.  It's not a sign.  It's not because they were thinking of me.  It's not something I could/should or will follow up.

There is no message on my phone and IF this person was thinking of me.

If they really DO have something to say.

If there is something I should know.

Well, then I guess I will hear from them ...

I heard the expression hogtied earlier this year.

Yes, NOW I know what it means :)

But, before I googled it (and OMG please DONT!) I'd actually been confusing it in my mind with hamstrung (pigs/bondage - see where I'm coming from?).

Actually, you may not so I've just googled hamstrung to give you a definition.

Wiki says: "Hamstringing" or "to be hamstrung" can also be considered a metaphor which refers to putting someone at any unfair disadvantage with respect to their competitors


Ok, so MY definition is:

Feeling powerless. Unable to express yourself out of fear of being misunderstood. Or maybe even because you ARE afraid of being understood and not getting  the response you crave.

Having things you desperately want to say but feeling you can't for fear of the consequences.

Anyway, that's kind of how I feel now.  I feel I'd just be making a fool of myself.

So no, I won't do anything.

I'll sit back.

I'll carry on blogging.

I'll continue to live my life, dreaming my dreams.

I'll carry on just being me.

(But a little bit of me will always wonder if they were thinking of me at that moment and if maybe they feel a little hamstrung too ...)