Thursday, 4 August 2011

All Change

I read a post a couple of weeks by Lou at Waiting to Emigrate  It was called ‘Who Am I’.

I remember thinking  how brave and honest it was and wondering if I’d have the balls to do the same.

Hmmm, maybe not just yet.  I’ve shared quite a lot through my blog. The silly, ridiculous situations I get myself into sometimes.  Parts of my childhood.  A little of my heartache and part of the way things are right now with an element of fiction through my posts for WoW.

But who am I right now?

I’m a bit of a contradiction really.  I’m a mother of three, one grown up son about to start a life of his own.  Big D moves out tomorrow and into his new life with the lovely L.  I think it might be one of those forever relationships, I hope so, they really are just perfect together.

Master Mac and Miss Mac are growing up so fast.  It only seems a moment ago that I was the focus of their world.  I know they still need me but I wonder sometimes if I need them more?

And so, it’s time for change.

In the early years of parenting it’s easy to forget that our job is to partly prepare our children to move on, to become independent, to live their own lives.  We can’t see that there will ever be a time when being a parent won’t be the sole focus of our lives. The thing everything revolves around.

It’s starting to happen here in the Mac household and to be honest, it’s scares the crap out of me.  What the hell do I do now???  Selfish huh?

So, I’ve decided it’s time to take action.  I’ve loved living here mostly, it’s a safe place to bring up children.  My friends are here, I know where everything is.

But, it’s not enough anymore.

I feel like the grasshopper who sang all Summer. What happens when the Winter comes and I have nothing stored up?  What happens when my main identity isn’t Mum anymore?  I’m not sure where that leaves me.

I need to do something for me.  I need to learn not to invest myself and my happiness completely in other people.  Not my children, not my friends, not a partner.  My children need to feel free to live their lives knowing that I have mine.  The same with my friends really, I am not their responsibility although I know many of them would do anything for me as I would for them. A partner?  Well, I’ve had my fingers burnt a little in the past (says the mistress of the understatement .....  still smouldering here :).

I don’t rule out there being someone in my life in the future but, although I may love unwisely at times, I don’t do it too well or too easily so I’m not thinking anytime soon.

So I’m moving on.  Oh, if ONLY it were that simple!  If only it wasn’t dependent on a million and one other things and people.  If only I could pack up and leave the key under the mat.

It’s going to happen but don’t go holding your breath ok?  I’m doing this properly, for the right reasons and it won’t happen overnight however much I may wish it would.

I don’t know where I’m going to land but I hope the sun’s shining.


Anonymous said...

Sarah - what a lovely post, and how true. Things are never as simple we would like them to be, but I also think that we are often stronger than we think as well. Sometimes making the decision to do something is all that is needed for us to find the courage to step out into the big-wide world and away from our comfort zone, and who knows what is just around the corner? The only thing I know for sure is that if you don't look around the corner you will never know.

Thank you for the link back too

Love & Hugs
Lou xxx :-)

Sarah Mac said...

Thank you Lou. There's a lot in your blog (not just that one post) that inspires me. It's full of hope for the future and that's what I need right now.

Moving on isn't an impulse thing for me, it's been on my mind for the last couple of years.

I thought I'd found my reason for a while but things change.

That corner is right in front of me and I'm looking forward to seeing what's around it :) xxx