Wednesday, 5 September 2012

Fetch Me A Tiara!! (aka - a princess moment)

Today I could write any one of a million posts - ok, maybe not a million, but hundreds, well, perhaps 47 ... hmmm, 6 ...

I don't know.  It's such a long time since I've blogged, I mean properly blogged.  There's been the odd post, a couple of photos, but nothing much really for what seems like the longest time and I don't know why.  Stuff happens, THINGS happen.  I have ideas, I have words, snippets, pictures in my head.  The beginings of posts but they just drift away from me.

I haven't lost my love of writing.  I haven't lost my love of reading your posts.  Sometimes I read them and click to comment and just sit there waiting for the words to come. The thoughts that filled my head when I was reading it just turn to vapour and I can't quite grasp them.

So what's going on?

The truth is I don't know. I've lost touch a little.  I feel a bit like the kid at school outside the circle, looking in, watching everyone else having fun.  Wanting to be a part of it but not knowing how.

The difference is that it's of my own making.  I've stepped outside of the circle.  When I write a post a few friendly hands reach out to pull me back in, I smile and look down at my feet but I don't take that step forward.

I see old friends making new friends and new people joining groups that I used to be a part of and I know that it's only me stopping myself being a part of that and I can't quite work out why I am.

It's such a beautiful day today.  The sun's shining, there isn't a cloud in the sky.  I sat in the garden earlier drinking coffee surrounded by animals.  Tillys kittens have all gone to new homes and I have temporarily taken on two adorable black kittens from the farm in order to get them used to being handled before re homing them.  I took them into the garden for the first time since they arrived last weekend and they made a beeline for my tub decimated by Tillys kittens, curling up amongst the lobelia, soaking up the warmth of the sun.  Gus sat by my feet and Tilly curled up on the decking next to me.  Even Bear rubbed against my legs for a moment before disappearing over the fence into next doors garden.

I've been BUSY.  I've been doing STUFF.  THINGS have happened.  Silly, stupid, fun stuff.  I've partied hard, I've been to the beach, I've gardened, cooked, decorated, flirted, laughed.  I've carbooted, been on holiday, watched the sun rise and set over the sea.  I've swum, I've climbed cliffs, I've stood on a tiny bridge and watched the waves crash on the rocks below me while the spray misted my face leaving my skin dusted with salt.

I've lain awake in my bed thinking about all of these things and wondering how it's possible they don't seem to add up to contentment ...

I've never suffered from the princess syndrome.  Being one of four teaches you pretty early on in life that you aren't the centre of the universe and that's ok.  I'm not a demanding sort of person, simple things make me happy.  Being with the people I love.  Sharing my life with people who care about me.  Surrounding myself with my friends.  Taking time out by myself.  So WTF is wrong with me?  What is it that's blocking that feeling of contentment?

Truth be told, some pretty horrible stuff has happened over the last few years and the ramifications echo on in the background and possibly always will.  I sometimes wonder if I could or should blog about them, would that help?  Maybe ....  It wouldn't change anything, it can't turn back time, it probably wouldn't make any difference at all.

I want my enthusiasm back.  I want to wake up with that feeling that I can't wait to put down in words (fact and fiction) the things that I see, the things that happen, the stupid stuff I say and do (it's still all going on) and I think ..  WHAT, what it it that's stopping me?

And that's the thing I don't seem to have the answer to.

I could write a great post about my washing machine blowing up on Monday and no, that's not an exaggeration, the bloody thing literally blew up. Think loud banging noises and lots of smoke!  My initial reaction was, 'damn, wish I'd got a photo of that' as I opened the door and was enveloped in a cloud of acrid black smoke which left the house stinking of burning rubber for two days.  The sequel to 'My Shitty House Strikes Again' maybe and seriously, if you'd seen Miss Mac and I standing there wondering if the bloody thing was about to actually explode taking us with it you probably would have laughed.  And then it hit me, I have no fucking washing machine now.


I can live without my dishwasher, actually, I quite like washing up.  I can live without the tumble dryer, Id rather watch it blowing on the line or have it filling the house with the smell of fresh linen as it drys on the clothes horse (over the banisters, radiators, hanging on the backs of doors and every other available space you could possibly hang wet clothes to dry).  But how the hell am I going to cope without a washing machine?

When big D was a baby I lived in the middle of nowhere.  A tiny cottage high up in the Quantock hills.  It was stunning. We had a huge garden with fruit trees and a view down the valley to the sea and I had no washing machine.  I used to wash his little baby clothes by hand and peg them out on the line.  Every couple of weeks we would go to the laundrette and wash the bedding, towels ect.  It was tough at times but it was ok, I was happy, enthusiastic and life was good.

Big D is now 28, planning his wedding next year to the lovely L and here I am back to square one without a bloody washing machine and what was ok then is NOT ok now so Im pissed off!

Of course I know I'll get it sorted, I'll work something out (and if you're thinking why don't I just go out and buy a new one, well, finances dictate otherwise just at the moment I'm afraid).  It's not the biggest deal in the world, I know that, like I said, the sun's shining, I've hand washed all the small stuff and it's drying as I type.  It wasn't hard and it'll be dry by lunchtime. There's a laundrette just down the road, or, failing that, I have numerous friends who would happily let me run a few things through their washing machine until I get this sorted.

So, it's time to get over myself, stop feeling sorry for myself because, lets face it, in the grand scheme of things, it's not really so bad is it?

Funnily enough, this is yet again NOT the post I sat down to write, I'll actually need to re read it to know what I've actually said.  I was going to either give you the 'funny' version of the washing machine or another instalment of my childhood (the village fete edition, it's hilarious ;) .  Failing that I've been dying to tell you all about my trip to Cornwall, it was FANTASTIC and I got some great photos, and I will, just felt the need for a little moan and a bitch and now I've got that out of my system I'm off out into the sunshine to sand down my shed ready for painting while the weather is still good.

If you've made it this far down the page thank you, I feel MUCH better now :-).


AGuidingLife said...

Oh course you don't feel contented you daft bat, your washing machine blew up. All the cat whispering in the world can't make you contented when white goods are on the blink. And why not sand the shed instead of typing, it's way more fun. I only beg you back to blogging so I don't lose touch. Selfish. Go do, go see and when it's cold and wet and you are curled up on the sofa bored and not go seeing or go doing then pop by to say hi!

Much love (and cake)

Car said...

So would you like diamonds or flowers on that tiara??? :p

ive missed seeing you around (actually thought Id lost my one follower ;) keep on blogging... Slowly does it one post at a time okay! and promise I will swiny by more often to comment!!!

Pop over to see me, Ive been joining in with Five Sentence Fiction and Anonymous legacy - would ove to see more of your story evolve JOIN ME!!!

Are you on twitter - Im carrose (trying to get me out there more ;)

Sarah said...

Aww, thanks K - the truth is it isn't just the washing machine, that only happened on Monday and I seem to have been like this for several months now. The bloody washing machine doesn't help though ;). I can't work out what it is. I'm either really busy out and about or doing stuff in the house and garden or just sitting around aimlessly wondering what happens next. I'm just not sure what I'm doing long term, I don't have a plan and that worries me for some reason. Maybe I dont need one, I dont know. ANYWAY, I love hearing from you and it's always good to know you've checked in. I am going to get my ass back into gear (I mean it this time ;). I've written a post that needs a little work (more along the rock chick theme but I've also got loads of other stuff to write about too) so I'll get it sorted soon. The shed is sanded and ready for painting and I'm chicken sitting for the next couple of days so I've plenty to be getting on with but there's always time for cake and a cuppa x

Sarah said...

Hi Car - ummm, I'll take diamonds AND flowers thank you :-). I'm still here and still reading, I've actually read seveal of your five sentence fiction posts and not commented although you know I love your writing and I have wanted to tell you how much I've enjoyed them (how crap is it that I haven't!!). I may well join in, I have thought about it several times and wondered how exactly I could pare down my rambles into just five sentences! I am on twitter (although a very bad tweeter after a good start), I shall look you up now and make more of an effort to pop by there, it is a good platform for getting your blog seen. I miss some of the old blog hops that seem to have disappeared, I used to love the weekend rewind (which occassionally makes a come back) and Allisons drab to fab. If you know of any good ones then let me know. I promise that next time I stop by I will let you know.

B said...

Glad you are back lovely... Yours was one of the first blogs I ever read... Brings back memories of writing stories and waxing lyrical... Blogging for me has changed over the last year or so. I stil love it, but I has evolved into something new...

Sounds like you have acquired a whole heap of blog fodder in your break... Look forward to reading all about it!

So glad to see your lovely self around the traps again...

Sarah said...

Thank you B - it's good to be back :)

Yours was one of the first blogs I read and followed too and I've watched yours change and evolve over the last year. I remember a very tentative fashion post you wrote where you were wearing a spotted dress and thinking, she's on to something with this and so you were! Still loving your blog and yes, I really think that I am back properly now!