Friday, 6 March 2015

I Am A Work In Progress (An Update)

I read a post this morning in that convoluted way where you hop from one blog to another while you ignore your enormous 'to do' list - no idea how I found it so I can't link to it but it was one of those where someone re-visits a post to see how they are doing.

Well, I re-posted this a few months ago with a follow up post detailing how I'd failed in just about every resolution I'd made so I thought I take another look and see if i can actually tick something off because that was WEEKS ago and surely I must have done some of these by now ...

So, here it is - I Am A Work In Progress ...

I will/will not/possibly should (but probably won't):
  1. Take off make-up after a night out so that do not wake up with scary black caverns in place of eyes in pale face in manner of Edvard Munch scream painting but with additional mad Brian May hair and may even start plaiting hair before bed to avoid mad Brian May look the morning after (although slightly concerned that this might just be a short hop to wearing a hair net and bed-socks ….).

    Too hard!  So much easier to just stop wearing makeup altogether which just results in my looking like a scary painting ALL of the time.  Considered hairnet but am concerned that it may somehow become entwined with SD during the night and garrote him and will end up on involuntary murder charge and no lift to supermarket to do big weekly shop!

  2. Will always (in the manner of Garfield) be sincere whether I mean it or not.

    Nailed it!!

  3. Will ascertain how drunk SD really is on Christmas Eve an hour after leaving him unattended and semi sober in the pub BEFORE replying to his drunken friends who say – 'I hear you are cooking chicken – can I come to dinner' in case he really HAS invited them!

    Have resolved never to leave SD unattended or semi sober in pub (why should HE have all the fun??) and to change my mobile number.

  4. Will not send jokey text in reply to SD's drunken friends who ask – 'I hear you are cooking chicken for SD and Jon – can I come round too?' but will ignore them in dignified manner rather than say – 'of COURSE, the more the merrier!'

    Will become a vegetarian before next Christmas and only cook responsibly sourced nuts, tofu and seaweed thus ensuring that NO ONE ever requests an invite to dinner.

  5. Will not panic when get text saying – 'Cool – me, Mark, Ray, Eddy, Neil, Rick, Sam and Luke are on the way' and start frantically counting the legs on the chicken muttering 'why the fuck do they only have two???' or send back text saying 'bring your own chairs'.

    Buy more chairs or genetically engineer chickens with multiple legs OR become a vegetarian.

  6. Will not run out of house (still wearing too short for casual day wear but  possibly ok for Christmas Eve in the pub dress ) and bang on neighbour round the corners door to borrow tin foil (and enquire about possible spare chicken legs) and return bearing tin foil, large roll of carpet, home-made chutney and a huge bunch of keys as clearly, other than home made chutney, cannot serve any of these to possible impending guests.

    Buy tin foil, either confess to neighbour that have lost large bunch of keys or move.

  7. Will not at semi formal dinner party (obviously NOT mine ...) refer to or even think of fellow guest as an over privileged wanker.

    Have inexplicably NOT been invited to any formal dinner parties recently therefore can confidently tick this one off list!

  8. Wear a dress that inexplicably rides DOWN revealing tits in manner of porn star.

    Considered just BECOMING a porn star but would then have to wax legs and other bits and practise pouting and may be simpler to just set up telephone chat line and let foliage grow.

  9. Lean over table in porn star dress to reach desert wine (or spit disgusting dessert wine back into glass).

    Can confidently say that I will NEVER attempt to drink desert wine again - another one ticked off (I am quietly proud ...)

  10. Wonder why very plain and disapproving looking wife of over privileged wanker appears to be wearing a monks robe in fetching plum colour presumably obtained from Joe Brown catalogue where they sell such things along with jacquard waistcoats and things that chop hard boiled eggs into neat slices but remember that have just flashed tits at her husband so no doubt she has reason to look disapproving regardless of what she's wearing.

    Have perused Joe Brown catalogue and earmarked culottes and a fetching blouse with Peter pan collar for SD to buy me for my up coming Birthday so should I ever be invited to formal dinner party again I WILL be appropriately dressed!

  11. Wear any dress that is short enough to require cycling shorts to be worn underneath and/or is see through ( but perhaps buy flesh coloured slip along with hairnet and bed socks with M&S Christmas voucher rather than gourmet chocolates and wine).

    Bought more cycling shorts with M&S voucher - Sometimes you just HAVE to be yourself!

  12. Remember to top up tin of Roses chocolate from secret box hidden in cupboard under the stairs so that no one knows I have eaten all the strawberry and orange creams (as well as the caramels …).

    Won a tin of Roses in the raffle at pensioners Bingo so ate the rest of tin AND secret stash and NO ONE KNEW!!
  1. Teach daughter responsible drinking habits before next News Years Eve party.

    Allowed her to go to friends NYE party and passed that responsibility onto friends mother.

  2. Debate with self possibility that teaching daughter responsible drinking habits before next News Years Eve party is in fact irresponsible parenting as should obviously be condemning demon drink to impressionable 14 (although almost 15) year old.

    As she is 15, almost 16 now have concluded that she almost certainly has a stash of empty vodka bottles under her bed by now and I have probably missed the boat on this one.

  3. Do not consider saying daughter is nearly 15 makes irresponsibly parenting somehow less irresponsible.

    See above - this one is now invalid which is ALMOST the same as ticking it off which is what I shall do!

  4. Dress appropriately at all times but in particular when attending school events and NOT wear t-shirt with slogan 'Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?' to academic tutoring thingy in lecture theatre where, while waiting to see scary Scottish form tutor, am forced to sit in front row facing sea of teachers sitting round desks discussing children's progress with appropriately dressed parents (or alternatively take cardigan which buttons up to neck to hide t-shirt).

    Still working on this one - have also added:  Will not turn up late (although I maintain they started early!) - walk into packed lecture theatre while speeches are on and make 12 people stand up so that I can get to the only spare seat RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROW while daughters friends fathers try frantically to read writing on the front of t-shirt!
  5. Buy cardigan.

    Tick!!!  TICK - I bought a cardigan - No, not really but SD's Mum did buy me one.  Am fully expecting hair net and bed sock to follow any day...

  6. Give unopened tin of Quality Street to deserving cause as Jan 6th is probably a reasonable time to stop eating chocolate for breakfast.

    That one was a red herring - seriously?  Give away chocolate??  Are you MAD???

  7. Aide Memoire (I knew it would come to me!!!).

    My intellect scares me sometimes ...
  8. Spend more time on personal grooming i.e. have eyebrows waxed on regular basis rather than just growing fringe to cover forehead and allowing eyebrows to run hither and thither across face like a lamb gambolling through a daisy strewn field in the Spring (although do not have actual daisies growing on forehead to my knowledge).

    Have checked again for daisies and appear to be free from gambolling weeds although eyebrows could do with a little attention from hedge trimmer.

  9. Remember that if I have to ask myself (or others) if it's a long top or a short dress then it's probably a long top!

    It's ALWAYS a long top ...

  10. Spend more time cleaning carpets and generally being a better person.

    Having re-read this I already feel like a much better person albeit one with minging carpets.

    Has anyone else had such outstanding success with their resolutions?  Are you quietly impressed by the progress you have made so far this year?


Karen @Baking In A Tornado said...

A resolutions list that long is way too stressful. Never resolve to do more than one or two in a year. Set the bar low, that's the key to success. In my world anyway!

Sarah said...

I think you're right Karen - I'm SUCH an over achiever ...

joeh said...

I don't do NY resolutions, but then I'm perfect.

At the rate you're going on your list, you'll be perfect by the time your 68 also.

Funny stuff.

Holly Hollyson @ Full of Beans and Sausages said...

Loving how easily you write off the resolutions, e.g. by becoming vegetarian - inspired!

singlemumof1 said...

This is usually how my resolutions end up too. I loved this post, you gave me a good giggle.

ann said...

Some very valuable life lessons here for all of us!!
Loved it!!

Sarah said...

I'm aiming for 67 Joe - i have high hopes!

I know Holly, I could really have ticked most of these off much sooner if I'd thought of that couldn't I?

Thanks Singlemumof1, we are clearly kindren spirits!

I'm so wise sometimes Ann - I should write a self help book don't you think ... ;-)

Kate N said...

Completely unrelated to this post but I HAD to tell you or I would DIE!! That person on that Facebook...,does anyone have any pets? 65 comments!!!! Phew! Death averted now that's shared. Lol!

Sarah said...

Haha, it's completely MAD isn't it Kate :-) x

Polly said...

Hi, just found your blog, this post is hilarious, love your sense of humour :-)