Tuesday, 17 March 2015

Things That Make You Go Hmmm ...

By some strange coincidence I actually wrote this post about 'Things That Make You Go Hmmm' last week BEFORE I saw that this week we were talking about the very same thing over at The Lounge.

So, here are a few of the things that made ME go Hmmm last week ...

'Does that mean I have to put on a bra?'

'Do you think I need to vacuum?'

Two burning questions in the face of the phone call I got from SD on Saturday evening an hour before he was due at my house for dinner before we went out for the evening to celebrate my Birthday Eve.

SD isn't big on entertaining which, in the face of my faux pas (s) when formal dining is probably a GOOD thing but he does like a bit of 'lets' throw Sarah right into the shit by offering an impromptu invite to dinner at the last minute' to his friends on occasion.

I did consider suggesting Miss Mac (for twas she who had the bra dilemma) shove a chicken fillet or two down her top to defrost if she DID decide to honor our guest by wearing underwear thus eliminating the problem of how to divide 3 fecking chicken breasts between four people!

Also, I reckon if they ever decide to make potato peeling an Olympic sport then I'm in with a chance of gold.  Seriously!!  I am a spud speed peeler!!!

I can peel enough potatoes for four and have them boiling in the time it takes for the ad break in the Real House Wives Of Cheshire which, if you haven't seen it already then you really must!

It's reality car crash TV at it's best and I'm hooked.  It's full of over made up, over privileged footballers wives who constantly need to 'have a little chat' with each other usually to discuss the fact that they have been outrageously bitching about one an other and then told each other.  It's a bit like the cast of TOWIE who like to ''Av a little word' but with more bling and botox.

On the whole though I think I prefer The Real House Wives particularly Migali who pronounces it Sheshshire and who is slightly less up her own arse than the others who I'm fairly sure have to insert a toothbrush into their rectums to clean their teeth.

I didn't bother vacuuming by the way as I've discovered you don't really notice the fluff and dog hair all over the carpet if you have the foresight to have fairy lights strung around your doorways and you turn the main light off - this was working REALLY well until SD walked in and turned the bloody light on!

Talking of mothers which I wasn't but if I had been because it WAS Mother Day on Sunday, I was reminded of the day my Mum got her knickers caught on Uncle Max's fence when reading a post by Flossing The Cat (go over and read her blog, she's a funny lady.  I promise you won't be disappointed!).

We lived in a very small village when I was growing up and there really wasn't much going on so we had to make our own amusement.  Now I KNOW you're thinking that stringing your mother up by her undercrackers on a barbed wire fence really isn't a kind thing to do however tedious the long winters were but what can I say - this was before breakfast TV was even invented!

Anyway, WE didn't actually string her up, she managed to do that all by herself.  All we did was sit with our noses pressed up against the net curtain in the bay window and piss ourselves laughing as she wriggled like a fish on a hook, arms and legs waving around like a loony shouting obscenities at a field full of bemused cows.

Of course we COULD have been kinder and gone to her aid but it might have been emotionally damaging to come into contact with my mothers interlocking poly-cotton at such a tender age - just think of the physcological ramifications - I could have been scared for life and then where would Fudge be hmmm??

Talking of Miss Mac (which I also wasn't but I am now).

Sometimes I think she is wise beyond her tender years.  She is SO full of insight and a real deep thinker, I think it's very clear that she is my daughter.

For instance:

Just yesterday we went into town together as my Birthday money was burning a hole in her pocket and she thought it would be a good use of some of it if I bought her a new top.

On the way in she remarked, 'you know, I think I know why men don't think women break wind' - obviously I was curious, I mean I know that I don't do it but I'm sure that other women do from time to time and I wonder how they hide the fact.

'It's because of our underwear' she said - 'Think about it, if you wear a thong (and I'm talking the English type of thong for those from across the water - those things YOU call thongs are actually flip flops ok?) it kind of splits the exit point in two so rather than the expelled air making your buttocks vibrate which is what makes the noise a thong just disperses it'.

I considered this point carefully and had to concede that she was in all probability correct.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - I think people who spend any amount of time with me actually absorb wisdom from me through some kind of process of osmosis, How else can you explain her logic?

Fortunately I appear to be an infinite source because how sad would it be if I became depleted?  The world would surly be a less fascinating place without my little pearls of wisdom.  Hopefully over time Miss Mac will continue to be such a good student and, who know, perhaps one day she too will have a daughter just like her.


Holly Hollyson @ Full of Beans and Sausages said...

Lady, you are wise beyond your years with that use of the fairy lights so that you don't need to vacuum! I may never vacuum again :p I hve to wonder if the thong theory is correct. Maybe that is why women do fart as the get older and can't be bothered to wear thongs anymore?

StacySews andSchools said...

What a brilliant idea!! No more vacuuming!! Love it!!!! LOL

Karen @Baking In A Tornado said...

I'm thinking some day Miss Mac may be posting about your knickers on her own blog. Now won't that be fun!

Polly said...

OMG you are such a tonic, I'm still laughing after reading this post. Like the idea with the fairy lights, with two lurchers in my house it's impossible to keep it dust free. I will look out for the Real Housewives of Cheshire :-)

Tamara Gerber said...

Potato peeling should actually be an Olympic discipline!

Sarah said...

I think it helps if you take the bulb out of the main light too Holly so nobody can turn it on!

I know Stacy, I KNOW - totally ingenious!!

Ha ha, now that really would serve me right wouldn't it Karen :-)

Thanks Polly :-) love/hate the real housewives and the fairy light thing really does work - I have one dog and two cats so it's a life saver for me!

It should be shouldn't it Tamara - I'm going to write to somebody about it!

Angela Weight said...

Funny, I have the same vacuuming rules too. You should probably remove the bulbs from your overhead lighting so Hubby can't ruin the effect again.

And I agree with you. Flip flops are flip flops. Not thongs. Your daughter's theory of flatulence dispersion is brilliant. She definitely gets it from you.

Jenn Solivais said...

Sarah you had me giggling through this post-definitely think if anyone hangs around you they will definitely absorb wiseness through osmosis ❤

Tegan Churchill said...

I vacuumed today for the first time in a month and bloody hell, no wonder the dog is going bald! I could have made a wig between the amount of her hair and mine that clogged up the vacuum cleaner.

Thanks for linking up with us at The Lounge!