Sunday, 26 June 2011

Total Whiteout

This post has been in my head trying to get out for some time but I wouldn’t let it. Every now and then it would shout, ‘tell them, tell them, go on, you know you want to’ ……

Like a wasp it buzzed around pissing me off and occasionally stinging me just in case I might have forgotten it.

Forget you??  I’d like to fucking forget you but every time I walk into my kitchen, there you are IN MY FACE!

Possibly it would never have been told had it not been for Gemma over at My Big Nutshell but, having read her latest post I realised I wasn’t alone.  This THING that tormented me had other victims too, victims braver than me, victims willing to share and maybe, just maybe sharing was the answer. Take away the control and I could be back in power, I could be the one calling the shots.

What am I talking about? 

I’m talking about MY SHITTY KITCHEN!

You might remember me telling you a little about having my shitty kitchen fitted  (yep, ex lax, the transvestite plumber and the broken nose).

The thing is, like so many things in my house, my kitchen was never completely finished.

So, the walls got a coat of emulsion which was only supposed to ever be as an undercoat, (did you know emulsion ABSORBS grease?). The kickboards are still in my bedroom so that anything that drops on the floor invariable rolls under the kitchen units. The floor, well, we ripped up 7 layers of lino to reveal the ‘lovely’ red and white tiles with every INTENTION of laying a new floor. The edge of the windowsill was never tiled so there’s just a strip of bare concrete and not a single sodding door or drawer handle is straight.

My kitchen is what is know as a galley kitchen, it’s long (and I use that word loosely!) and narrow so, to counteract that we decided to put in narrower base units to give us more floor space with a range of cupboards above. (The added bonus there being that the floor tiles were only laid up to the edge of the old units so I have several inches of concrete floor either side! ) The only trouble is, using the workspace means you are practically underneath the fucking cupboards.  If I’m not cracking my head on them then I’m cracking it on the extractor above the hob .  

The kitchen designer (again, I use the term loosely) did allow enough space for the fridge but didn’t take into account that it would be quite nice to open the door to it’s full extent. Trying to get the shelves out to clean them is as painful as watching my elderly neighbour trying to reverse park her car.

But, not only that, my kitchen is the place where white goods come to die …….

First of all it was my tumble dryer, one day it just stopped working and I couldn’t figure out why.  I called out the nice ‘man who can’ to take a look.  After 5 minutes he turned to me ashen faced holding the slightly singed plug with bent pins.  This things a death trap he said in horror, you could have all been burnt in your beds!  I’ll take it away for you.  Noooo I said, I can’t afford to replace it and I’ll just be left with a big gap in my shitty kitchen. So it sits there, all shiny and white and smug laughing at me as I festoon the house with wet clothes and frantically try to iron dry airtex PE shirts in the mornings.

Then the dishwasher started making a strange chirruping noise even when it wasn’t switched on.  I asked my FB friends for advice.  It sounds like there’s a bird trapped in their I said but I’ve looked, I can’t see one. ‘Have you shut the dog in there’ one helpful soul asked.  ‘I don’t know Alf’, I replied, ‘I was too busy looking for sodding  birds!’

Anyway, the chirruping stopped and for a while all was good until, SOMETHING (and I still don’t know what it was), flew out of it one day when I opened it nearly taking my eye out.  Whatever it was must have been crucial to the working of it cause it doesn’t work anymore!

The story of my Washing machine you can read about here .It does work for now with the aid of two extension leads strung across the kitchen like bunting.

My steamer's on a go slow and things that used to take 40 minutes now take twice that time.  Ditto my toaster (although that does at least toast rather than steam). My oven is given to randomly overheating (which is why kids I ALWAYS burn pizza) and I’m on my third kettle so far this year.

So, like Gemma, I’d just like to say:

Stop reading if you have a shitter kitchen than me. I don't want to hear it. Stop reading if you have a better kitchen than me, I hate you. I hate you more if you have an awesome kitchen and have NFI how to cook either.

Because, like Gemma, I CAN cook too (when my shitty kitchen lets me!)

Lemonade Scones


Fussy Eater's Mum said...

My kitchen is not as shitty as your kitchen, but I reckon it's a close second. Although I can't say I've had birds/bats/gremlins flying out of my dishwasher. Maybe you need an exorcist?

Gemma @ My Big Nutshell said...

Oh Sarah! I have been thinking about you all day whilst at intoxicated bike rider friends party. She was complaining about her disgraceful wooden cupboards and brass knobs then I told her about your kitchen. She reckons as do I that your kitchen is completely the worst! What is the most offensive part is there was promise and anticipation and it has been nothing ripping the very soul straight from you. My husband on the other hand says that when I complain about my kitchen he will remind me that you have trouble taking out your fridge shelves for cleaning, he also reckons there is some serious wiring issues going on for that much stuff to stuff up.

I am outraged for you and i truly understand your despair! it is painful to know that there are many others like us in this world. How are we ever going to reach our heights within such a poor environment.

In fact just thinking about your misery and what you have had to put up with (particularly the concrete and the red and white tiles and bashing your head constantly) I'm getting a tight chest.

Oh luv, I hope one day the universe will make up for this catastrophe. Both you and I deserve it. It's not like we want the most fancy thing ever we just want it to work, be functional and enjoy the kitchen experience!

big love to you Sarah!
yours in outrage and despair,

Nel said...

oh you are going to hate me. I have a fabulous kitchen darling!! I have a massive pull out larder and second floor to ceiling larder cupboard plus a mother of a fridge which you can take apart to clean if you so wish. All built by 'Paul the Yorkshire builder' in January. I mention the word 'Yorkshire' there as he mentioned it in every second sentence. However, I digress.

We did have a crappier kitchen than you and now we are in kitchen heaven. Or we will be when someone gets off their arse to decorate it (me).

Kitchen envy??

Vicky said...

would it be inappropriate to LOL?


great post...

I think I had a shittier kitchen... I ended up selling the house.

todd carr said...

sorry bout shitty kitchen, hopefully you have a pristine rose bud of kitchen in your future.

your biscuits look amazing. yum yum :)

Maggie said...

you might have a shitty kitchen, but you can still make bloody good bacon sarnies in it!! and the minute I win the big jackpot on the lotto you are not just getting a new kitchen, you are getting a whole new house (with a carpeted bedroom just for you xxxx)

Sarah Mac said...

You could be right FEM, some very strange things happen in my kitchen (and I didnt cook them all;).

Sooo true Gemma,surely it cant be too much ask for? I am truly touched that you spared meand my shitty kitchen a thought today. Your husband is probably right about the wiring, I seem to remember ex lax having a period of thinking he might be an electrician....

Nel, saved by the fact that you DID have a shitty kitchen than me before (is that POSSIBLE???). How could I not wish you happiness with your frankly FAB sounding new kitchen!

Great idea Vicky, Im gonna sell this bastard house before it falls down! Hmmm, laughing ... yep, that's allowed ;)

thanks Todd, a rose bud of a kitchen, that sounds lovely, one day i shall bake some biscuits just for you!

I love you Maggie :)))) and if I win the lotto (which will require me buying a ticket!) I will buy you a house for you and all the little Hills. xx

The Rambling Pages said...

Ohhh no, I feel for you. My last kitchen was a shitty, shitty little tiny box of a kitchen, I had these stupid bits under the cupboard doors (not the kickboards though), that were held on by bluetac and selotape and if you so much as looked at them, they fell off. The melomin of whatever it is called covering the kitchen doors had all bubbled and cracked, I had no kitcehn door at all so the moment I switched the oven on my smoke detectors went off, the washing machine leaked, the mixer tap use to randomly burst off the attachment and so on. We made it slightly better by replacing all the doors to sell the house, and now I am in my kitchen heaven - well I lie kitchen heaven for me would be a central island and an aga but I feel the years of shitty kitchen have now been worth it. Live in hope! By the way I could never manage to cook like you seem to, your cakes and scones look scrummy x

Alex said...

I've got a fab kitchen but for some stupid reason the designer of the house thought it would be brilliant to have the kitchen looking into the lounge room. So the kitchen always has to be immaculate or everything just looks messy. Ugh.

I'm So Fancy said...

Ha ha! I always say the Fancy Home was designed by a man. A naked and hungry man. When I'm done with my closet guess where I'm going next? x

Sarah Mac said...

I think it may just be possible that you had a shitty kitchen to rival MY shitty kitchen RP! It does give me some comfort to know that there is a way out,

You know what I need Alex? I need TWO kitchens. The show kitchen with all the swanky gadgets I wouldn't have a clue how to use and the real kitchen that no one else gets to see.

Sarah Mac said...

I like my man naked and hungry Fancy, I just don't want him designing my sodding kitchen while he is! x

Salamander said...

Oh Sarah. I'm so sorry about your godawful kitchen, but thanks for the giggle, babe!! My kitchen is rented...too small...and occasionally has cockroaches. No dishwasher. No storage. Did I mention the cockroaches??

Sarah Mac said...

I think cockroaches may actually trump my shitty kitchen (although I DO get the occasional frog)!!! I am counting my blessings :)