Tuesday, 14 June 2011

Yin and Yang

Today's been one of those sorts of days and its only lunchtime!

It started badly, not to mention really bloody early at about 5 o’clock this morning. As I hadn’t gone to sleep 
until after two I wasn’t very impressed.

I didn’t sleep well last night.  Sometimes I suffer from insomnia and don’t sleep at all. Funnily enough, I cope better with no sleep than I do with little or disturbed sleep.

Last night was little AND disturbed!

The main reason for that was knowing I had an early start for a hospital appointment this morning. An appointment that had been playing on my mind. Something I tried to make light of, to even make a joke of but inside, well, inside I was churning
It wasn’t a life or death kind of appointment. It was for a relatively simple procedure that might shed some light on my fat foot and hopefully lead to a resolution to the problem that has plagued me for a couple of months now.

The problem was with the procedure itself. It evoked memories of another time. The same procedure for a very 
different reason. It took me back to a place I didn’t want to revisit.

Last night I needed reassurance, I needed empathy, I needed understanding. I got all of those and I was really grateful for them. But, unusually for me, I needed something else, I’m not even sure I can articulate what it was that I needed. I don't think I conveyed my need.

Maybe it was to be the sole focus of someone’s attention.To be told that I came first, maybe not before EVERYTHING, after all,nothing comes before my children. But I needed to be somewhere near the front of the queue. It's not a position I usually crave. I like my independence, I like being self sufficient. I hate being needy and feeling weak, that’s NOT who I am.

Anyway, this morning I looked and felt like shit but, being up early has its advantages. Miss Mac was up, packed and ready for her school trip to the zoo in plenty of time. Master Mac, well, he was up but possibly still asleep, he is NOT a morning person.

The walk to the hospital isn’t far and it’s a great garden nosy opportunity which I took full advantage of on this freakishly warm summer morning.

The doctor was on time, efficient and very pleasant. The experience was not one I would chose to go through again but fairly painless and possibly not worthy of all the angst but it still left me feeling a little down.

So really, I could have done without walking slap into a ‘friend’ from my married life. A ‘friend’ who I had known for over a decade, a ‘friend’ who I had shared Christmas, New Year, Birthdays and  Summer BBQ’S with, a ‘friend’ who disappeared from the face of the earth once the news of our marriage break up became common knowledge.

I have lots of amazing friends, ones that I can honestly say saved my life and (in part) my sanity. But the loss of some friends I felt very keenly. Mostly I guess because they chose not to know the truth. I suppose this was to avoid having to make decisions.  I can understand that and to be honest, I didn’t want people to make decisions. There are always going to be the true friends who stand by you even if you are in the wrong. I guess I needed to accept that this works both ways but it’s a harsh lesson to learn.

I have to admit I was torn. Before me stood a person I had felt very close to, someone I'd trusted and cared for, someone who had let me down. Possibly the best option would have been a polite hello and to carry on our separate ways. In the split second I took to make that decision the ‘friend’ made a different one.

She made a big fuss of being pleased to see me, asking how I was, how were the children, what was I doing now. I stood in silence until she ran out of steam. I was confused, I was hurt,  I was angry. All the emotions that I'd dealt 
with came flooding back and added to the upset I was already feeling. I had no idea WHAT to say.

We stood in silence for just a moment and then she said, ‘I really don’t know what to say’

I found my voice. ‘How about the same thing you’ve been saying for the last 18 months’ I said ‘FUCK ALL’ and I turned and walked away

I don’t know how it made her feel.  For a brief moment it made me feel better, but it was only a brief moment, now I just feel sad again.  Sad at the loss of a friend, sad that she wasn’t really the friend I though she was. Sad that maintaining an illusion was more important to her than I was. 

I sat a while on a bench which bore the inscription “For our only child who was killed by accident” and I cried, I cried for me, for a friendship that didn’t stand the test of time, for the child who had lost their life and for the parents of that child.

And then I counted my blessings. My children, my true friends, the people I love and who love me.

I may not be the sole focus of their attention. But would I really want to be? 

I matter to them. 

They care about me. 

They are a part of my life and always will be. 

That’s all I really need.


Nel said...

Good for you. I'm so pleased you said that. Chin up lovely.

Catherine said...

Oh my god, how dreadful! Your response was completely understandable, not just because of what you were feeling due to your appt but because this person betrayed you. No other word for it.

I know there are those who will say (or think) you should rise above it but I'm not one of them. Sometimes the only thing to say is fuck all and I'm impressed that you did it. I never have but then stew for days- which is ultimately worse. You've cleared the energy, let it go.

Sarah Mac said...

I'm glad I said it too Nel, it all seemed so false and I couldn't pretend. The hurt went a little too deep for that.

I doubt very much I would have said it Catherine if I hadn't already been feeling low. But yes, after everything it did feel like it was turning the last page and closing the book.

Thank you both for your comments, it's not my usual kind of post and I know there will be people that feel I was wrong to say it but, unkind as it may have been, it was at least honest.

Sandra said...

I don't think you were unkind at all, Sarah...my marriage hasn't ended, but for some reason, I too have some "friends" who have dropped me for no apparent reason...it is sad, hurtful and also frustrating as you wonder if they were true friends to start off with. I'm glad you said what you said, hopefully it will help you move on.
Take care xo

I'm So Fancy said...

Oh those things that feel good in the moment but are so fueled by pain that 2 seconds later it just feels like shit. Sometimes you just have to shut the door and not let people have the power to hurt you anymore. x

Sarah Mac said...

Thank you Sandra and Fancy. I'm usually tormented by the things I could/would/should have said but either didn't think of at the time or didn't have the courage to say.

It was an ending for me. I don't even feel the need to tell my side of the story anymore, it's clear some people don't want to hear it.

It is sad when friends turn out not to be who you think they are but I found, on the whole, mine were exactly who I thought they were and I wouldn't change them for the world!