Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Is It Time?

Yesterday I wrote a post - as I'd predicted I took it down again.

I'm not sure that anyone even read it.

It was a heartfelt post, the underlying subtext was about something that had touched me profoundly, something I couldn't let go of.

Something that I'll  always carry with me, not through choice but because, well, that's just the way things are.

Yesterday marked  very important anniversary for me.

It was the anniversary of the day I gave myself completely, emotionally,  physically, TOTALLY to someone else.

Today it's time to let go... I know that.

Time to cherish the true memories and to stop creating new unhappy ones that threaten to drown them out.

I'll always have them and I'm grateful for that (even though there have been many, MANY times when I wished they didn't exist).

I've talked a lot about Surfer Dude recently.  I know it hasn't escaped your notice :).

We have been friends for more than half my life.

We ran with the same crowd back in the good days and we had SO much fun!

Our lives have drifted apart and been drawn back together many times over the years.

There has always been a spark which, for one reason or another, has never been ignited.

One thing the past few months have taught me is that I don't need to have a man in my life.  I CERTAINLY don't need the wrong man in my life.

I've had some fun, I've had some flirting.  I've had my self esteem boosted and I've had my fingers burnt just a little too.

One thing I haven't done is give myself to someone again, not in any meaningful way.

I've actually felt pretty heartless at the way nothing much seems to have touched me.

Phone me, don't phone me, it's all the same to me and I probably won't even give it a second thought ...

See, heartless!

Well, that's not me and it's certainly not the me I want to become so I stopped and I concentrated on the things that really DO matter to me.

My children first and foremost and my friends.

I may have said (somewhat melodramatically) a while ago that Surfer Dude saved my life just before Christmas..

You know what?

It wasn't actually that melodramatic and if he didn't save my life he certainly saved my sanity (although you may beg to differ;).

Surfer Dude, Jon and I went out a few weeks ago and while we were there Jon took some photos.

He emailed them to me (you've seen a couple).

One you haven't seen is Surfer Dude and I together.  I've promised that I won't use any of his photos on here so I'm not going to but ...

Well, in the photo I'm smiling.  I'm looking at Surfer Dude and I look like I'm about to say something.

Surfer Dude is just looking at me ...

I joked about it. 'You look like you're about to kiss me ;)'.

'I wanted to ......' 

(So yes Joe, you may be a Cranky Old Man but you're a pretty clever one too!)

We didn't mention it again and I know that he won't unless I do.  We've carried on much as before but something subtle has changed inside me.

Surfer Dude is not, could not, and would never be anyones second best.  Anyones consolation prize. Anyones 'good enough'.

He is kind, thoughtful, gentle, perceptive, fun  ...  Oh, I could go on and on!

He's so laid back, he doesn't DO drama (but he seems to deal with mine pretty well;).

He brings me down to a good place.

He's a free spirit but it seems he wants to tether his balloon to mine ...

So I ask again ...

Is It Time?


Maggie said...

yes :)

sjp said...

Surfer Dude sounds awesome and this sounds like the turning point of some romantic tale, your not going to know unless you give it a go...

AGuidingLife said...

Are you saying he would be a consolation prize? I don't consider my second husband that way, maybe when we married in a strange way tat is hard to describe without getting it wrong I wished I wasn't marrying 'again', I wished 1st time round hadn't screwed up but tat didn't mean I didnt love and want to marry him, it is just a shame screw up one screwed up. Now I feel different,it's more I wish we'd been together earlier, but without number 1 I wouldn't have my daughter so you see ( probably not) its a bit like having 2 children, when you only have 1 you imagine you couldnt love another in the same way or as much, but actually you can. It's different but as good. Anyway what I'm saying badly it 'why not' its obviously on both your minds ...life is jolly short to waste it .... And no matter what happens it doesn't have to screw up a friendship. I am now incredibly good friends with my first husband, we should gave divorced years earlier lol (sorry for droning on and surmising about your life about which I actually no nothing)

AGuidingLife said...

I also apologise for spelling etc, treadmill and typing don't mix well!

Sarah said...

Maggie, are you trying to sell me off? ;) xx

He is and it could be Sjp - I just don't want to mess up again, to hurt or be hurt.

No, he's not a consolation prize K - what I meant was that he could and should never be considered one.

Funnily enough ex lax ( my ex husband for anyone who doesnt understand the reference) isn't the person I was referring to. It was someone else that really stole my heart.

Your ramble sounds pretty much like the stuff going on in my head :)

Mostly I want to be doing things for the right reasons.

Partly I wish we had given things a go many years ago but then, like you, I wouldn't have my children ...

The questions I'm asking myself are:

Do I love him? Easy - yes, of course I do - everyone does.

Are we good together - fantastic as friends yes.

Do I want him in my life - Absolutely yes!

If I had choices (which I don't think I do) would I chose him? - fuck it, I don't like that question ...

The truth is, I don't know the answer to that question and I don't even know if it should form part of the equasion.

AGuidingLife said...

Ahhhhhh go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on (cup of tea father ted). Ps have decided I need a photo like sjp, she looks all sophisticated and worth listening to, whereas mine implies children's cereal stuck in hair sort of mad woman.

A.K. Knight said...

I was in the same place a few years ago, when Mr. FC came along. Love is always worth a chance, Sarah M. Yes, you might get hurt. Again. There might be loss. Again. But you might also be missing out on so much good stuff by walling yourself off from it. Take a chance. A few baby steps. It was really scary, for me, but it paid off handsomely.


Anonymous said...

I noticed you deleted your blog you naughty girl! you are too much like me!!!

Don't let fear rule your life. Face it head on, I find that it dissipates that way.


danneromero said...

do you want it to be time? it sounds like you should be together, but for some reason the timing is always off? from your writing surfer dude sounds like what you are looking for....