Tuesday, 13 September 2011

A Hairy Tale of Humiliation

Yesterday I met my lovely friend L for coffee in town.

We spent a little time putting the world to rights, discussing her recent holiday, her MIL's sad decline into Alzheimer's, wondering why the waitress who served us had a large, perfectly round patch of what looked like clotted cream on her face (but fearing to ask).

Then we popped into Boots to do our weekly  occasional weigh in (I don't have a pair of scales at home for fear of becoming obsessed).  L had understandably put on a couple of pounds during her holiday, nothing significant considering she had apparently spent the whole time away eating ice cream.  I had lost a couple of pounds, a worrying tendency I have that isn't as great as you might think it would be.  I am trying to educate my doctor into NOT referring to me as tall and thin with no joy so far.

Anyway, after a brief wander around town to buy exciting stuff like cotton balls (obviously NOT for me bearing in mind my phobia:) and a foray into WH Smiths who inconceivably did not have a copy of My Family and other Animals which I needed for a writing prompt.

Waterstones obliged however and, being mean (and knowing it's in the damn house somewhere) I refused to fork out for another copy so I shuffled around the shop, book in hand, trying not to look suspicious while I copied the first paragraph onto my phone and emailed it to myself.

L offered me a lift home (possibly swayed by the knowledge that I had made a cake that morning).

As we approached her car in the multistory I noticed something a little odd about it.

L, your car appears to have grown a TAIL!!!

Sure enough, protruding from the exhaust pipe was something long, black and hairy ......

'OMFG BORIS!!!!'  yelled L.

'I must have sucked him up this morning when I left home'.

Now Boris is L's monster cat, weighing in at slightly more that my dog.  There was NO WAY she could have sucked that Mother Fucker up there and anyway, I know I'm a little dense in the ways of the motor car but don't exhausts blow, not suck???

L was on her hands and knees pulling at this stuff which seemed endless, crooning, it's ok Boris, I'm here, you'll be ok.

OK,???  Depends on how you define ok I guess.  If you like your Boris black and crunchy then yep, Boris was just dandy!

After a few minutes and after amassing quite a substancial pile of 'Boris' we decided the best option was to trim him with a pair of nail scissors and get the hell out of there before trying to reconstruct him.

L laid Boris reverently on the back seat of the car and we drove slowly and carefully to the closest garage.

Gathering Boris gently in her arms L approached the nearest mechanic trying to remain composed her face tear stained and covered in snot.

As she tearfully explained what had happened a look of total increduality swept across his face and he started to make strange choking noises, snorting and pointing at the black hairy bundle.

It was quite touching really, obviously another cat lover although this did seem to be taking it to the extreem and maybe lacked a certain level of professionalism.

After regaining his composure he called over his fellow mechanics and asked L to repeat her story.

Soon we were surrounded by a host of oily mechanics snorting and choking, tears rolling down their faces pointing at poor deceased Boris ..............

Ummm, obviously it turned out to be the packing from the silencer.

Yep, I SO knew that!


Anonymous said...

That story really amused me; especially you copying the text.

Sarah Mac said...

Ha ha, it was pretty fraught Adam, I half expected to feel a hand on my shoulder and to be asked to leave.

I still can't find my copy so the chances are I will actually go back and buy it. It's one of those things, knowing it's there means I don't need to read it but now it seems to have gone I really want to.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Oh I give up! It posted my comment (or so it said 4 times, so I deleted three) and now there are none of it. Never mind...

Sarah Mac said...

:) I have a similar affect on self checkouts Adam, don't worry about it

MultipleMum said...

Phew! I was hoping that poor Boris hadn't met his fate up an exhaust pipe! A cute tale Sarah. Did you find the damn book? x

Anne said...

Hi Sarah. Just wanted to thank you so much for your comment on my 'mental health day' post. Even though you're so far away, you're close by, always stopping by to say hi or make a lovely comment. Whenever I see your name on one of my comments, I'm so pleased and it feels liked you've just popped in to say hi and ask "are you okay?", "how you going?". I really, really appreciate it my love.

Anne xx

Sarah Mac said...

We were pretty relieved too MM although left feeling just a little foolish :) and no, I haven't found the book so it looks like I am going to have to fork out for another copy.

Thank you Anne, I love the little communities we build through our blogs and although some people may not understand or are sometimes dismissive of the friendships built on here I would say that they are the ones missing out.

I can honestly say that there are some people (yourself included) that have become an important part of my life and have enriched it no end. xx

Kelloggsville said...

Nipped in and given that confusion/embarrassment is waaaay worse than even I attain, I've decided to stay. Put the kettle on :)

Kelloggsville said...

Wey hey, I'm your 100th follower. I'll have cake with that cuppa you're making :)

Sarah Mac said...

I know, I know!!! I'm so bloody excited about it I've just given the animals all treats :))

Got to admit though that I'd thought that was one of my less embarrassing moments. Being caught standing in the wheelie bin holding a bag of cat shit was worse. Thinking my son had offered to pull down the armrest on the train for me with his genitals was worse and being mistaken for a hooker on at least two occasions was probably worse ..... the list goes on ;)

I think I'm supposed to write a post when I get to 100 followers. You know what, I may have made that up but I'm going to do it anyway!

ps kettles always on and there's often cake too!

B said...

Oh that is HILARIOUS! I too am choking and spluttering....

I lived in London and still pine for Boots and WH Smith... they are so entirely British and I love them! I miss Marks and Sparks, Gap, Monsoon and River Island too. Also Harrods... Thinking of Harrods makes my heart hurt - what a divine place.

Thanks for the chuckle.... Very pleased it was not a cat, but what a fabulous tail, oops, tale!

Sarah Mac said...

Oh B, when I started this blog I had a theory that these things didn't just happen to me and I've been proved right. They happen to people who are with me too!!

I know things happen to other people too (I suspect them of not always sharing;) but they seem to happen on a fairly regular basis to me.

Having just gained my 100th follower and not being known for my coyness I intend to write a post, which, given that I was followed on the basis of my humiliation will link to some of my other humiliations that may have been missed by some of my newer friends.

Then, if they wish and they have a minute to spare they can spend a little longer having a giggle at my expense.

ps. you really can't beat a great classic British shop, I could spend DAYS in Harrods food hall!

Lene said...

Oh my Sarah, that is hilarious!Looks like we both do some prety embarrassing things. I am now going to go back and read about all your other little mishaps. xx

Sarah Mac said...

hope you enjoyed them Lene :) xx

Mrs Catch said...

That's hilarious. So glad the real Boris was ok.

MultipleMum said...

Oh Boris. How I loved this post. A great re-read for me(even though I knew the ending the suspense was great). Thanks for rewinding x