WoW - The Bangle

Write On Wednesdays Exercise 26 - Look at the photo at the top of this post. What does it inspire in you? Set your timer for 5 minutes. With the photo in mind, write the first words that come into your head until the buzzer rings. If you aren't a visual person, you could try lighting a few candles and writing by candlelight. Different sensory experiences can be useful for inspiring creative writing so please play around to make the prompt suit your writing needs. If you do try writing by candlelight, let us know. I'd love to know how it works for you!


I don't know if Rock Chicks story will ever be put together in any meaningful way.

I guess that may be a reflection on real life.

What I do know is that to really begin to understand her you have to first know the story of the bangle which I haven't told up until now.

Part of the reason for that being that it's pivitol to the story and is the thread running throughout it.

Getting it right is very important to me.

I really don't want to get it wrong.

I hope I haven't.

*******************

The Bangle

She woke up smiling.

It was the way she woke up every morning.

As though a thousand candles lit her soul and illuminated her life.

Today was her Birthday.

But that was of secondary importance.  Tonight she would see him and so the day was just a countdown of hours until that time.

For a moment she reflected on the contrast between this year and last.

The complete and utter despair. The terror and the loneliness.

The feeling of failure and emptiness.

All of that was gone.  Replaced by a feeling of rightness.

"Happy Birthday beautiful".

He walked towards her holding a small bag

This was home.

This was where she belonged.

She felt she had finally found her forever.

"Tell me if you don't like, I wont mind, I can change it" he said slightly nervously.

Smiling she shook her head.

Whatever the bag contained had been chosen with thought and care.

Of COURSE she was going to like it.

Taking the box from the bag she opened it revealing the bangle

He held his breath as she caught hers.

There was no need for pretence.

The delicate silver wire wound it's way around the beautiful turquoise stone.

She slid it onto her wrist.

Glanced up at him she saw a frown still furrowed his brow.

"I love it" she said throwing her arms around him burying her face in his neck.

"I love you" he whispered through her hair holding her as though he would never let her go.

Crap and Councillors

Only a couple more days of NaBloPoMo to go.

Wow, it's been a struggle on a couple of days but I've rewound a couple of posts (and lightning didn't strike me :) and there have been a couple of Silent Sunday posts and of course today's photo challenge to pad it all out.

A few people have said 'never again'  but I hear them saying it over at WriNoBlo  ....  too. God, sorry, never was any good with acronyms.

You KNOW what I mean.

Today I really wanted to write my WoW  post.

I usually have a post part written or in my head way before the prompt comes out and today was no exception.

I had a continuation from last weeks story and I also thought about writing the story behind the bangle.

I DID write it in fact, it's just sitting in draft.

Why didn't I go with that one?

Well, candles don't feature in the story but you know me, I have ways of MAKING that prompt work for the story I want to write ;)

I didn't for two reasons.

One, is that it's not just my story and maybe it's something that's just too personal and I shouldn't share.

I really dont know.

Secondly, does it add to the story that you DON'T know?

Would it break the spell if you already have already built your own story behind it?

Am I in danger of believing my own hype.  Possibly you don't actually give a toss :)

The prompt today was a beautiful photo of  floating candles in Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris and, if I don't go with Rock Chick this week, then I WILL find another story to write that will hopefully do it justice.

So, what shall I talk about?

Well (of COURSE I have something :)

This evening I attended a council meeting.

For those of you who don't know, I belong to an action group for our local park.

We do a little fund raising.  A little bulb planting. A little bench painting ect.

Little things that make our park a nicer place and ensure that the local council have a vested interest in keeping it looking good ie WE KNOW WHERE THEY LIVE!!!

God councilors are (for the most part) boring old farts!

I went along with Den. I shall call him Den, not necessarily because that's his name but because that's what I choose to call him.

In fact, I shall call him Dirty Den or DD or no ...  I shall call him Double D!!!

Ok, Double D (which is NOT his real name) and I rocked up at about 6:20 for a 6:30 start.

He is a truly crap driver btw with a truly crap car.

I got in the bastard thing, went to shut the door and the whole door panel damn near came off in my hand (my bloody finger nail DID come off!!).

He also drove half the way home again so busy slagging off the Christmas lights in town (they aren't THAT bad) that he totally forgot to turn his lights on.

Anyway, crap driver with a shitty car he may be but I'm really rather fond of him and I love that fact that he's so far out of place in a council meeting it's like being there with an alien from another planet which cheers me up no end.

Like I said, they are a bunch of boring farts.

Double D kept asking what I was scribbling on my note pad before the meeting had even started.

Blog fodder I hissed (he has NO idea what a blog is bless him)  have you seen his braces?

Pull those babies any higher and he'll be wearing his testicles as earings!

Better still twang them and see if his nipples fly off said Double D.

 I snorted VERY loudly at that point not realising that as I was leaning forward Id depressed the talk button on my microphone.

 I sooo wanted to take pictures of them all for you.

That's another thing!!

The damn room was set up like the House of Commons. All state of the art whatnots, no WONDER the bloody roads are full of pot hole, I SEE where my council tax goes!!

Anyway, I digress ...

I so want to just photocopy and scan my scribbles for you  complete with doodles but they are so bad even I struggle to decipher them.

It started off with a friendly debate about when they would be getting their year book (the councilors bible that tells them all the meeting dates, who's who, who THEY are ect).

It transpired that a couple had already got them.  Much 'poor show' and 'ye gads' followed as those who had flourished them and those who didn't looked on in envy.

That was until it transpire that this year THERE WAS NO RIBBON!!

What effing ribbon?

The one to place in between the pages so you don't lose your place of course.

They seemed to lose some of their kudos after that and much grumbling and threats of 'having words' were uttered.

Apparently it was a money saving initiative.

OF COURSE, they have to pay for f*cking state of the art conference rooms SOMEHOW don't they?

Then there was the discussion about the clocks in the room.

One told the correct time, the other appeared to be stuck at 5 to 5.

'Wasn't that the time Blue Peter used to start?' Said the mayor (I shit you not, it was the mayor!)

No, said Cllr ESP (and yes, those ARE his real initials;) That was Cracker Jack.

The sole magistrate at the back (who had been peacefully dozing) suddenly piped up, 'we have to pay for our own effing year books you know, you should think yourselves lucky!.

She then went promptly back to sleep for the rest of the meeting.

The Chair, cllr f*ckwit  (yeees, that's HIS real name too :) apologised for sounding like he came from Wolverhampton but he had a slight cold (difficult one that if you dont know what a Wolverhampton accent sounds like)

Ok, this might help ...

They then discussed the merits of having a calender printed next year.

Ooh, we were going to do that piped up the deputy mayor but the cost was astronomical so we are having a series of tea towels printed instead (I shit you not!!;).

Briefly the possibility of having the cllrs do it WI style, ie naked was considered but it was generally agreed that no one really wanted to see them at all ...  ever ...  even fully clothed let alone in the buff .

This was all by the way BEFORE the meeting proper started.

We were there to discuss the Diamond Jubilee celebrations and to ensure that events didn't encroach or overlap.

Woe betide anyone trying to steal a  rise over the Eggbuckland egg throwing competition or the Welland wheelbarrow race with (chortle) REAL wheelbarrows!!

Personally I thought the Wellington wife wanging competition and the Thurloxton toast tossing events sounded like MUCH more fun. (I may or may not be lying about any or ALL of this btw;)

They then started banging on about lighting the beacons which was all a little boring tbh.

Should they just be official ones or could we all build bloody great bonfires in our back gardens?

Historically they would have been lit at the top of churches but sadly health and safety and insurance ect pretty much rules that out these days.

I did have a little chuckle when concerns were expressed that this bureaucracy, gone mad might,  'weaken the beacon' :)

There was then a long diatribe from a bloke I could have sworn wasn't English but according to Double D it was just that he had so many plums in his mouth he could barely speak.

No idea what he was banging on about.

Midway through it all I had a sudden craving for Coronation Chicken.

WTF was that all about??

I haven't had Coronation Chicken since the 1987 Boxing Day turkey curry buffet at Aunty Alices (and even then it was turkey, not chicken) .

Anyway, I think I got down most of the salient points.

Perhaps I should just email this post to our secretary?

That'll teach her to go herself next time!

Photo Challenge Monday

Today, thanks to Romina, I have discovered a new blog.
 Fabulously Flawed.
Each Monday there is a photo challenge based on a series of different words.  You can use all the words or just choose one.
Today I've chosen the same word as Romina, nature.
I love these photos taken a couple of months ago at Saunton Sands. (if you want to enlarge them, just click on them:)

My shout out today is for Maxabella who has written a post pondering something that's probably crossed all our minds from time to time.

I kid myself that it might have been partly inspired by a post I wrote as she left me a lovely comment. But the truth is, it doesn't matter what inspired it.

It's something that all of us can probably identify with.

Clipboards and Cat Shit

Ok, after yesterdays soul bearing I'm in dire need of a little light relief :)

Posting the Saturday is Caption Day photo as a second post (as if one a day for a month isn't enough!) helped a little and thank you to those who came up with some great captions :)

But I need more.

I am also in shock having realised that at the tender age of 13 Master Mac is suddenly taller than me.

I'm 6ft FFS!!!  

I am seriously scared where this may end.  I seem to have produced monster children!

Big D is 6ft 3.

Master Mac already takes a size 11 shoe (Isn't that a 50 or something in continental sizing??)

Miss Mac 'borrows' MY clothes!

Anyway ...

I don't seem to have quite regained my funny yet so I thought (and I hope you don't mind) that I would rewind an old post from happier times that still makes me smile when I think about it.

Having said that.  Today is a beautiful day in Somerset - the sky is blue - the air is cold and crisp and Gus and I took an early morning walk by the river.

My washing is blowing on the line and I've also spent the last half hour cleaning my hob with a toothbrush.

I know, self proclaimed domestic slut that I am I have to confess that there really is nothing I like better than getting in all those nooks and crannies from time to time ;)

********************************


And so - onto Clipboards and Cat Shit :)

A couple of days ago I received a letter that surprised and worried me a little.  It was from Master Macs School and it said that they were concerned about his attendance record and would like to see me.

I rang the school immediately to see if there had been a mistake.  No, they assured me, no mistake.  It seems that with his recent accident and resulting appointments at the hospital Master Mac had hit a trigger point.

The visit was arranged for Friday morning at 10am.

After waving the children off to school I looked around. 

It’s been a while since anyone other than friends and family had been to the house and having someone who is basically there to question your capabilities as a parent sure makes you look at things with fresh eyes.

A quick wiz round with the hoover, wash the breakfast dishes, clean out the litter tray, shower and dress.

That WAS the plan!

Out came Henry, a flick of the switch and …..  WHOOOMPH!!

A great cloud of dust and dog hair, tissue and fluff erupted like a mini volcano covering me and half the room as effectively as Vesuvius buried Pompeii.

FUUUUUCK!!!

Complete panic, the damn woman was due in 45 minutes, my house was filthy, I had 5 cats running around, a dog shedding yet more hair and a full litter tray.

 I was also braless in a baggy tee-shirt and cropped legging.  I didn’t have a clue what to tackle first.

A quick slug of Merlot from the open bottle on the kitchen counter (yes, it was only 9:00am but needs must!) and I assessed the damage.

Ok, litter tray first.  As ever, a queue of full bladdered kitties waited for the moment the clean litter hit the tray before parking their furry bottoms in the gravel to fill it up again.

Out to the wheelie bin at the front of the house only to find that it was, as always FULL!! 

The bin wasn’t  due to be emptied until Monday and only a foolish person leave a bag of used cat litter around for all the other cats in the neighbourhood to rip apart and spread the content (if you are lucky they might even leave an offering of their own!)  So, back in, wellies on and into the bin I hopped. Jumping up and down trying to compact a weeks worth of cat shit and other household rubbish

HELLO, YOOHOO, Mrs Mac???  I swung around to see a woman holding a clipboard tottering towards me in the most extraordinary pair of shoes.  They were those wedge ones with a hole cut out for some bizarre reason, it looked like she was walking in ice skates.  But the main things was,

THE BLOODY WOMAN WAS MORE THAN HALF AN HOUR EARLY!!       

Ok, I thought, if you can wear ice-skates, I can stand in wheelie bins carrying shit and coved in filth.

I decided to brazen it out.  Calmly I climbed out of the bin on to the wall and hopped down onto the pavement.

‘That would be me’ I said with a smile holding out my hand to shake hers.  She recoiled slightly and waved her clipboard in an attempt to suggest that it wasn’t that she was reluctant to clasp my hand but rather that her hands were full.

Coffee?  Tea?  Slug of wine?  I queried with a slight laugh as though I was joking while both of us hungrily eyed the half full bottle.

Perhaps we could just sit down and have a chat she suggested whilst her gaze swept my house and myself with complete horror.

I smiled again, again she recoiled, what was the matter with the woman? I got that she didn’t want to touch me and ok, I guess I could empathise with that, but I was only trying to be friendly for gods sake.

‘You have ……. Errm ……..’ she said gesturing to my face.  What? WHAT???

I dashed into the bathroom to look in the mirror. Oh great!  I’d obviously inhaled a quantity of dust and dirt and my nostrils were ringed with black, I could have cried except that would only have left streaks down my filthy cheeks.  I cleaned up as best I could and feeling very subdued went and sat down.

Things couldn’t and should have really got any worse and in truth, I’m not sure they did but by that time my judgement was shot along with the chance of winning any parenting awards!

Tilly, mum to three kittens has suffered a little from what I call ‘lactating mummy tummy’, it’s not funny and it’s not nice.  It IS noisy and it does stink however so when I saw her purposefully making her way to the tray I knew all was lost.  After much digging about she proceeded to excavate her bowels with a sound like a toddler let loose with a trumpet and sure enough, like a mist creeping over the sea the stench pervaded the room.

The poor lady decided enough was enough and brought our meeting to an end with assurances from me that I would never again let Master Mac be shot in the eye and thus miss valuable schooling.

If only one of us had realised that Florence, the smallest of the kittens who had taken great interest in this ladies footwear had somehow manages to wedge herself through the hole in her damn shoe.

She stood to leave gathering her clipboard and her wits and took a step towards the door. The weight of Florence caused the shoe to shoot off her foot across the room.  Florence yowled, the lady let out a strangled scream and I dissolved into hysterical laughter.

There probably is a moral to this story but to be honest, I haven’t got a clue what it would be and frankly, after I’d finished the bottle of wine I didn’t really care.

(nb Florence was completely unharmed J)

Saturday is Caption Day!

Joining up with Mamasaurus  for Saturday is Caption Day

carefully placing his latest offering on top of the toilet cistern Sarah reflected,  that , yet again, he had completely misinterpreted her request to 'give me wood'

SHOUT OUT ALERT!!!  You need to read this post I've only got half way through and had to stop because I was afraid Id wet myself laughing .

Lesley - you are a NUTTER and I love you for it! xx

BDD

Body Dysmorphic Disorder.

It's very rare for me to publish a post that isn't designed to amuse in someway.

Yesterday I talked a little about how I was feeling right now.

It's not great.

I had some lovely supportive comments (thank you all :) and rather than just crawl away and hide which was my first instinct I decided to face things.  To work through them and to carry on blogging.

As I said yesterday.  There is a temptation to spill my guts on here but the situation I'm in at the moment  isn't an appropriate one to share.

It's ugly.  It involves people that I want to protect so exposing the guilty is not an option however tempting it may be.

It has brought back a post that's been at the back of my mind for quite a while.  Something I've almost shared on more than one occasion.

But it's so far removed from the person I'd like to be perceived as.

So far from the person that I really  AM that I've never written it before.

The truth is, it is a part of me too. It's not what defines me.  It hasn't always been part of me and I'd like to think it wont always be.

But for now it is.

You may or may not have heard of Body Dysmorphic Disorder.

It's not particularly widely known.  It's often misdiagnosed or it's kept a secret.

It has many different forms and each person who lives with it experiences it in different ways.

It often becomes apparent in early teens or young adulthood.  It can be triggered by abuse, neglect or life experiences.

It can strike at any age. It can happen for no apparent reason.

As I said, It can have many different forms but I am only going to talk about one of them here.  I don't pretend to be an authority on it and it wouldn't be appropriate for me to discuss any of the other forms it takes.

BDD can manifest itself as a somatoform disorder.

A mental disorder characterized by physical symptoms that suggest physical illness or injury - symptoms that cannot be fully explained by a general medical condition.


This is in no way connected with or should be confused with Munchausen Syndrome wherein those affected feign illness to draw attention to themselves.  This is very real.

So, why am I talking about it?

Well, in the summer of 2009 my marriage ran into difficulties.  It was a hugely stressful time during which I became physically ill.

I suffered a series of kidney infections which were very debilitating.

I also suffered from  arrhythmia (an uneven heartbeat).  At times my heart rate would reach 124 beats per minute and stay like that for several hours, it was exhausting.

My blood pressure was very erratic.  Through 3 pregnancies it had always been stable so this was a cause for concern.

The main concern being that my blood pressure dropped dramatically when I went from sitting to standing.  (the opposite should happen in a healthy person) although it was raised the rest of the time.

I also lost a considerable amount of weight in a very short space of time approx 35lb in just over 2 months.

Over a period of months I underwent many, many tests all proving inconclusive.

I was tested for Addisons disease which can be notoriously hard to diagnose and is still something that can't be completely ruled out.

There was a fear at one point that I had a tumour on my kidney.

I was put onto beta blockers to regulate my heartbeat.

My heart was regularly monitored as the increase in my blood pressure had cause a heart mummer (only previously apparent during pregnancy) to reappear (this has since disappeared again).

I spent several months in a constant state of fear despite having a fantastic GP who did all he could to reassure me and hospital consultants who spent many hours doing everything they possibly could to find out what was going on with my body.

During this time the situation at home deteriorated and I struggled to deal with it all.

Ok, maybe I wasn't dealing with it!

My doctor was keen that I should try anti depressants but I didn't feel they were for me.  I think that was my ignorance showing.  I didn't want to be labeled as depressed.  That wasn't what I was about.  I felt my problems were medical and if we could solve them then I would be able to deal with the stress.

I still resist them although having spoken to many people I sometimes wonder if my own stupid built in prejudices are preventing me from the benefits I have seen other gain.

I can happily discuss the benefits and encourage other to give them a go.

I KNOW they help.  I've seen it with my own eyes.

My doctor then suggested CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) as an alternative.  Again, I wasn't keen.  My problems were circumstantial, they weren't a result of an inherent or underlying mental health issue.

I was unhappy because my life was shit basically.

However.  I had to admit that I had a problem when I had an increasing reluctance to have contact with my own body.

The circumstances of my marriage breakup were not nice.  I'd been left feeling physically contaminated.  Unclean.  I had a feeling of self disgust and self loathing.

None of it was my fault but it didn't make any difference.

CBT turned out to be the breakthrough I needed.

After several sessions I felt able to talk about this feeling which was the first time BDD was mentioned and the connection between the physical and emotional symptoms was made.

I'd like to say that having had this recognised  (I hesitate to say diagnosed as it really isn't that simple) that  there was an easy answer to this but that wouldn't be true.

For about year I really struggled with this.

Although apart from a tendency to drop weight very quickly my physical symptoms are all but gone now there has been a lingering psychological affect.

During that time I did form a relationship but it was pretty much doomed due to the BDD.  The physical withdrawal led to a kind of emotional detachment (I'm not explaining that very well).

Anyway, I must have been a complete nightmare.

I feel pretty bad about that.  I think I knew right from the start how it would end.

Funnily enough, earlier this year, I did go on to have a relationship where BDD just didn't signify at all.

I have no idea why but it was never an issue.

It was like it had never existed and so I never mentioned it.

I guess I thought it was somehow miraculously cured and anyway it wasn't something I wanted to talk about. It was all way too weird for me.

I just wanted to be 'normal' again.

The relationship didn't last for other reasons which I was pretty gutted about. But shit happens, I'm dealing with it.

It did however gave me the false hope that BDD had been banished completely from my life.

It hasn't.

Given this 'diagnosis' some people may find it hard to understand how I could have published photos of myself as part of the I heart my body campaign.

To be honest, it wasn't easy. But then I'm not sure that makes me any different to anyone else.

For me it was important part of trying to try to regain the confidence I once had in my body and I found it very empowering to talk about the things I loved about it.

I also found that I could look at the photos quite dispassionately and see that it was an attractive body.  I can SEE it is, I just sometimes struggle to feel it.

BDD doesn't have the hold over me that it did at one time but it hasn't completely gone.

It has stopped me from fully entering into a relationship since then.

I date men.  I LIKE men.  I'm attracted to them.

I flirt, I have fun I can even be physically affectionate but only when I feel safe, only when there is no chance of it progressing any further. Any suggestion of anything more has me running for the hills.

I don't want to hurt anyone else and I'm scared I will.  I'm actually scared I already have ...

Yet at the same time I still feel the emotional detachment.

That doesn't sit well with me.

I CARE about people and so, for now, I've decided that there are other things in my life that should take priority.

I don't know what the answer is.  Maybe one day I'll find someone else where it isn't an issue.

Maybe I won't and I'll have to accept that it's something I live with from now on.

It doesn't affect my day to day life.

But it's not the way I want to be forever.

I'd like a happy ever after someday.

I miss intimacy. I miss sharing. I miss being held.

Seek And Ye Shall Find

Or not as the case may be.

I'm pretty sure that the person who stumbled onto my blog by searching for 'long and hairy' wasn't looking for my tale of Hairy Humiliation.

I'm equally sure that the person searching for' hog-tied blog' (I know, it serves me right that I get that so much;) was bitterly disappointed to read about my angst.

I spend a disproportionate amount of my time looking for things.

I don't just mean things that I can't find because I'm not well enough organised (although the mantra in my house is 'underneath everything there is something').

I mean answers for everything in life.

A few months ago I spent quite a lot of time looking for my mojo.

Did I find it?

Hmm, well, kind of.

It's a bit battered and bruised and has an annoying tendency to disappear again from time to time. But mostly it's sticking around.

******************************** I had this post half written. There was a lot more guff about Rugby socks that were different lengths. Zorbos. Pauls arse and Gus's nose. My BMI and shites in whining armour. Excuse the font btw, not a CLUE what the f*cks going on with that or the text alignment and I just can't be arsed to try and work it out. That damned recalcitrant mojo I was talking about? Well, it's taken a bit of a bashing in the last couple of weeks and tonight it's well and truly sodded off. I am done. I am defeated. I have no more FUNNY left in me right now. I may just sit down and cry until  my eyes swell up and my nose runs. There's a part of me that wants to do the whole spaghetti from the brain splat straight on to the blog. But there's a part of me that says no, not right now, maybe never. (and it's all so f*cking unbelievable anyway I can't even BEGIN to get my head round it all let alone put it into words) I really don't know anything anymore... All I do know is, that right now. Right this VERY minute. I could really do with a huge hug! But ain't nobody here but me and the sleeping peeps. :( If I get my act together enough then I'll be back on the NaBloPoMo waggon in the next couple of days, maybe even tomorrow (and we don't mention this again, deal?) Meanwhile: I have a VERY special shout out today. My lovely Lou at Our Home In The Sun is getting MARRIED!!!  TODAY!!! Please pop over and leave some blog love :) Love you Lou! xx

Let It Flow, let it flow, let it flow ....

There are quite lot of  (excellent) blogs out there giving tips and advice on how to bring up children, behavioural psychology, do's and don'ts for parents ect.

So I thought, hey, I'll bet I could do that too!

(That would be a little like me deciding I'm an authority on kissing btw ;)

Anyway, I was at the supermarket today as I am most days thanks to

 a) not owning a car and therefore not being able to do a big shop and

 b) having two teenagers who NEVER seem to stop eating.


I was joined, as I often am, by a combination of pensioners with whom I enjoy a good fight for the nicer reduced items in the chiller dept.

Sometimes they win by blocking my access with tartan pull along trolleys but mostly I win because they can't bend far enough to get to the low shelf that Sainsburys very kindly put the stuff on. (possibly a post on this to follow)

Watch and weep old lady, watch and weep (I am KIDDING ...  honest ;)

I'm also joined by the Mums and pre-school children.

Taking kids shopping is rarely fun for anyone, child, parent or innocent bystander so I thought ok, lets look at the difficulties from a different angle.

Lets work WITH them rather than against them.

I came up with a couple of ideas that MIGHT just save your sanity.

1)  At the supermarket your child throws a tantrum refusing to move -

Answer - Simply tape banana skins under their shoes.  Tie a leash around their wrist and TOW them behind you.

2) Your child is running around. Up and down aisles. Completely out of control and ignoring all your shouts and threats -

Answer - shout  instructions to your child to do exactly what it is they are already doing thus giving the impression that they are perfectly behaved.

3)  Your 18 month old reaches out and piles everything within arms reach into your trolley -

Answer - Say to everyone within hearing - ' amazing isn't it - I left my shopping list at home but fortunately he/she only had to read it once and they memorised everything on it!  (wipe that smug smile off those bitches faces!)

4)  Children demanding I want, I want all the way around the shop?

Answer - Give it to them ... simple! (making sure they have eaten/drunk/pocketed everything BEFORE you get to the checkout).

Finally if all else fails - when you are at your wits end, - when your head is pounding and you reach for those painkillers.

Try remembering :

It doesn't say 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN' for nothing on the side of a paracetamol bottle ;)

I am now feeling a warm, tingly glow having spread a little of my parenting wisdom.

Please do let me know if my tips help.

nb if any of the above result in arrest, I've never seen you before in my life!

Ok - time for today's shout out ....

Nikki - A Mother in France has joined in with NaBloPoMo this month and has been writing posts based on 30 Steps to Happiness and Contentment.

I look forward to them every day - they just warm my heart :)

Lean A Little Bit Closer

I read a post today that made my blood boil far more than it did the authors and it brought to mind a song by the Hayseed Dixis.

'I know you like to think your shit don't stank
But lean a little bit closer
See that roses really smell like poo poo
Yeah, roses really smell like poo poo'

I've mentioned before Big D's words of wisdom:

‎'Judge not lest you judge not you ...... hmmm, yes, just consider that Mum!'. 

( I was no doubt having a bitchy, obviously well deserved rant about something or other )

Yep, I know, he makes about as much sense as me sometimes but you get where he's coming from.

People that make judgements about others based on nothing more than a brief observation make my blood boil!!

I don't care (much) if you hate me but at least do me the courtesy of getting to know me first!

Off on a tangent ...

I was having a conversation earlier about fantasies (of the sexual variety) with Mr R&R (that's rock and roll for those of you that caught Sundays post).

Now I think I may be a little boring in that respect as I really don't tend to have fantasies.

I'm not saying I don't THINK about sex, of COURSE I do but ... you know what, I'm not going down that road.  You really don't want/need to know :).

Suffice to say you already know I had to google hog tied (B, step AWAY from google!!).  What you don't know is that my response to someone telling me I should get a rabbit was:

 'I already have more than enough pets thank you' (of course once they had stopped laughing for long enough to explain I had to go and google THAT too).

Anyway, back to R&R's fantasy.  It involved a shower, me, and an unexpected visitor (him).

I don't have any real objection to being the muse in someones fantasy (although preferably not for that very odd man who lives up the road with the tartan scarf and the Yorkshire terrier who sniffs a lot).

BUT what I do have a HUGE objection to is that apparently, in R&R's  fantasy I'm called Mindy!!!

MINDY FFS what does that make him??

MORK???

No sex I can live with if I must.

Alien sex, (even in someone else's fantasy) well,  that's just way too weird for me!

And swinging right back to the beginning again.

The Hayseed Dixi's

Never heard of them?

Google - 'The moonshiners daughter'  - if I were ever to marry again I want it as my opening song.

Believe it or not it is slightly more classy that the one I had at my first wedding - read this if you don't believe me.  And, if you don't think THAT was bad enough - feel free to read the story of my honeymoon ;)

In fact - here you go - have the link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1dY04exnjs

 (but for god's sake, DON'T play it in the office ;)

Today's shout out is for Mrs Woog - yep, I know.  Someone of Mrs Woogs mega blog status really doesn't need a shout out from me.

But anyone who writes a post about sexing chickens does, in my opinion, deserve proper recognition :)

F*CK - I Think I Killed The Cat!!!

You might remember that a couple of weeks ago I thought the hamster was dead (and yet still put my daughter to bed in the same room).

Well, tonight as I was cooking tea (peppered steak, mashed potato, veg and gravy for those who might wish to know).

Anyway, there I was peeling the potatoes. The last of the bag thrust upon me kindly given to me by Woody.

Now these potatoes came straight out of the ground (yes KNOW they all do - I was brought up in the country doncha know :) and were still covered in mud.

So, before peeling them I gave them a bit of a scrub.

One of those suckers shot straight out of my hand (like a bar of soap through the air) and clocked the cat  (who, at the time, was busy eating a sock in the washing basket) on the head!

Bear (he of little brain) went down like ........... well,kind of  like a sack of spuds really .....

Seriously, I may not be a huge fan of that little fucker cute ball of black and white fluff (let's not forget he has crapped behind my telly twice, in my bath once, eaten a hole through a cake I'd just made and left half a frog and frog juice on my kitchen floor) but I wouldn't intentionally hurt him!

Actually, it's hard to tell if any real damage has been done.

Sure he is just sitting in the kitchen staring intently at the dogs water bowl.

But to be honest, he spends quite a lot of his time staring gormlessly at stuff anyway ....

Hmm, I shall go and poke him just to set your minds at rest .....

I was planning a bit of a ranty post - I don't think I've done one of those for a while but it kind of got over taken by the potato/cat story and I'm feeling slightly less ranty now.

I did have a bit of a ranty bender yesterday though.  I did something I've been wanting to do for a while but not had the courage to.

I defriended all those people on FB that are there because either they asked me to be their friend right at the beginning (even though I don't know them) and I was desperate not to look like a billy no mates.

I still don't know them, never comment on their posts or they on mine and so, they are GONE.

I also defriended a couple of people who I'm not really sure ARE my friends or have my best interests at heart.

Now I tend not to post anything very inflammatory on FB but even so, there are some people who don't need to know my business or who might want to share it with others when I'd really they rather didn't.

HOW paranoid do I sound??  (Well, if they stopped talking about me I might not be ;)

So, 11 people got the chop but I also added a new friend and somehow, I think my new friend is probably worth more than the eleven I culled.

I was wondering which blog to link to today and then I came across this post by Carmen at A Life Less Ordinary.

Read her quick before she blows herself up or something (no really, she MIGHT!)

WoW - The Saddest Thing I Ever Heard

Write On Wednesdays Exercise 25 - I heard a song on the radio during the week and I thought the lyrics would make an interesting prompt for WoW. So, write the words "The saddest thing I ever heard" on your page, set your timer for 5 minutes and write the first words that come into your head based on the given prompt.

Sitting cross legged on the bed she was bathed in a pool of golden moonlight flooding in from the uncurtained window.

Like an enchanted ring of fire it kept her safe from the whispers.

She could hear them circling, trying to break through.  Fragmented sentences, single words.

Whirling in the dark like leaves caught in a maelstrom.  Sucking her down into the vortex of truth.

She drew her legs further away from the edge.  She wasn't ready to accept their truth just yet.

Were they right?

She may never know.

But it was time to acknowledge that not wanting the words to be true didn't make is so.

The whispers intensified.  Becoming louder, more insistent.

The whirling became faster and  more frantic.

They knew they were winning, they could taste victory.

The moonlight flickered and faded

The circle was breached.

Rushing towards her the whispers enveloped her in a cloak of reality.

Refusing to be silenced any longer.

As she bowed her head in submission a glint of silver caught her eye.

Slowly, regretfully, she reached out into the shadows and, closing the box, she hid the bangle from view

**************************************************

Today's shout out goes to Saturday Morning Ogre Mum  I haven't know Miss Cinders long but even when she's having a bit of a rant she still makes me smile :)

Saturday At Sarah's House

Linking up With Robo for The Lounge this week where we talk about parenting ...  or a lack thereof ...

I am a glutton for punishment.

In my house I have not only the two teenagers that belong to me,not three,not even four but five, yes I said FIVE teenagers staying the night!!

It wasn't intentional, it was just one of those damned 'things' again!

Having accidentally agreed to having my house invaded I decided the best option was to have plenty of crap to bribe them with so I set off for Sainsburys.

I loaded my trolley up with donuts, popcorn, marshmallows, coke, mediced and wine (the latter two being for me!).

All was going reasonably well until I hit the checkout.  Now I've explained why I should never be let loose on a self service check out before (if you haven't read this you really need to to understand)  so why the f*ck I thought it was a good idea tonight I have NO idea!!

One gripe I may not have mentioned before is the size of  the area you put your shopping after scanning it.  It's slightly larger than a postage stamp.

Having scanned my shopping (only requiring two visits from the lovely lady with her magic swipe card).  Having cussed and sworn at  conversed pleasantly with the electronic voice telling me to 'please remove item from bagging area' ect. I tried to feed a twenty pound note into the slot to pay for my shopping.

It wasn't having any of it.

I smoothed the note free of wrinkles, I turned it around and tried it the other way.  I attempted to take the damned machine by surprised by whipping the note away and then pretending to look away while I thrust it back in.

 It wasn't having ANY of it I tell you!

As I turned to try and catch the eye of the assistant (who by now was trying to avoid mine) my arm caught one of the bottles of coke and sent it flying.

That bastard EXPLODED everywhere!!

 It was like an effing bomb going off.

 A fountain of coke shot into the air.  Covered me and all my shopping.  It took out the adjoining three checkouts and sent a river of coke across the floor.

I stood there completely speechless. Coke dripping from my hair into my eyes,  ALL over my leather jacket and down my jeans.

Everybody looking at me very accusingly and muttering as the checkout assistant handed out sheets kitchen roll for them to mop themselves down with.

Just how many times could I, how many times SHOULD I say I was sorry?

It was an accident FFS.  You think I do these things for fun???

And so, I went home, dripping, sticky and very subdued to find my dog frantically humping the leg of one of Master Macs friends who had a bitch on heat at home.

Teenagers find that kind of thing HILLARIOUS - poor Gus is very disturbed (not to mention frustrated)

Miss Mac and her friend toasted the marshmallows over the gas ring on my hob leaving a glutenous sticky mess all over it but, quite frankly DILLIGAF?

They then taught me how to do the running man (there may be a vlog to follow on that one!) and now they are all upstairs.

I don't care what they are doing. I shall not be going to investigate what is going on despite the shouting, the screaming and the general sounds of things breaking above me.

I have wine.

I have toast.

I have you.

So, how was YOUR Saturday night??

Saturday is Caption Day!

I decided to do a little additional 'bonus' post today.

Im joining in with Mammasaurus and caption day.

Sorry - couldn't resist this one ;)

Having popped in to Primark. The answer to 'what can the children give the ex for Christmas' was answered.
(with the additional benefit of keeping them occupied for many hours making the various name plates to go with it :)

Kiss 'n Tell ...

Now I've decided (for no particular or valid reason) that I'm an expert in the field of kissing and so I thought I'd share a little of my expertise with you.

All of the below are based on my own personal findings and are part of an ongoing study.

Let me tell you, there are many different types of kisser and many of them are NOT good!

You may have come across one or two of these yourself.

To start with we have

The wide mouthed frog

If you see one of these homing in on you then be seriously scared.

Back away from THAT sucker!!

If your escape route is blocked then try evasive tactics.

Fake a sneeze ... belch ... faint ... vomit.

ANYTHING  but let him attach himself to your face.

I came across one once.


FFS,  I thought he was going to swallow me whole!

I now know how a drain feels when it's being plunged.

The stunned look on my face was only matched by the look of absolute horror on his at my bare face after he'd hoovered off all my make up!

I shit you not, I half expected to see a pair of false lashes adorning his front teeth.

Then we have:

The guy with the freakishly long tongue

Now this one can be hard to spot unless you get all your dates to eat an ice cream before kissing them (not such a bad idea).

If he can reach the bottom of the cone without the aid of a chocolate flake then the chances are he's going to be able to dust the back of your tonsils with that monster.

The average human tongue is about 4cm in total and most of that is kept inside the mouth (which is because THAT is where it belongs!!)

Whereas a giraffe can apparently clean its own ears with its tongue.

I do not wish to snog a giraffe!

My own experience took me completely by surprise.  Everything was going pretty well until, like a conjurer pulling ribbons from his mouth in reverse, he stuck that damned thing so far down my throat he effectively cut off my air supply.

That noise I made?

No, It wasn't a moan of passion.

It was my effing GAG reflex kicking in!

This is closely followed by:

The drooler

I have no wish to be awash with your saliva thank you.

I do not want your drool dripping from my chin.

I don't want your lips sliding all over my face like an ice skater on speed or an out of control pin ball.

I might like the thought that I could make someone salivate but believe me I DO NOT want to wear it!

And finally

The tooth licker

Oh yes, he really does exist

Honest to god, I once had someone actually lick my  teeth!

WTF are you licking my TEETH for??

Now, maybe to you licking my teeth is no less gross than sticking your tongue in my mouth I don't know.

But, from a personal point of view. Not only do I think it's really VERY weird.

It's also hugely distracting.

VERY, VERY unsexy.

And leaves me wondering ...

What the hell is next on your lick list?

My fecking toenails???

Just realised that I forgot to add the link to one of my favorite blogs today, doh!

Ok - today's shout out is for Sif and her blog At the bottom of the Garden - I find this lady fascinating.  She writes a wide variety of posts and she has entered a promotion campaign for mummy bloggers. (and she believes in elves!)

Well, I think she deserves more recognition so, if you pop over and agree please follow the link in her post and vote for her.  Thank you :)

It's All About ME!

Everybody knows somebody like that right?

I've no idea what makes a person so self absorbed that they can only see things from the perspective of themselves.  

In fact, the whole concept is SO alien to me that I'm sometimes a little (ok sometimes even a lot) slow to recognise it.

Occasionally I even need to have it pointed out to me and I STILL find it hard to believe!

To be fair, sometimes it is pretty hard to recognise when it's hidden behind apparent care and concern.  

Sometimes you learn the hard way that the care and concern wasn't for you at all, it was all for themselves.  

How disappointing is that?

I can honestly say, I am NOT a person like that.

However, I AM happy to say:

oh yes I do :)

A few days ago Romina wrote a post entitled Ten things I love about me.

Having read it I thought, 'what a great idea!'

I don't know about you but I am SO bad at accepting compliments that I'm sure half the time the people giving them must wish they hadn't bothered.

(Just smile and say thank you dammit! Or tell them about that warm glow it gives you inside)

As for giving myself praise?  Well, I'm trying to  make more of an effort with that one.

Today  I woke up in a great mood (it's Thursday morning so I won't be posting this yet but I thought strike while the iron is hot!).

This is a rarity.  Mornings are not my best time.  I'm usually tired and cranky due to lack of sleep and I don't really become totally human until I've had at least two cups of tea.

This may well turn into a bit of a ramble. Lots to say, no real plan of  where it's going  which is the way I like it :)

Earlier in the week Super Single Mum tagged me to take part in a meme and Roller Coaster Mum tagged me in the same meme today so I guess I'd better get my act together on this one :)

'The websites I couldn't live without'

Ok, here goes:

Top of the list HAS to be google - I will google anything and everything.  I find I need to know STUFF!

(I hope to god my laptop never has to go in for repair or that if it does that I've managed to wipe all reference to hog tied from it!)

Google usually leads me to Wikipedia - I know,it's not always 100%  reliable information but it's given me many answers to homework questions for the children.

The schools website - When is Mr Mac going on a school trip to the Eden Project (yes, I will have lost the letter I pinned to the fridge) - is it an inset day on Friday?  The shame of mine being the only ones to turn up at an empty school  (sadly that has happened). I would be LOST without this website.

Gmail - I get loads of spam and rubbish but equally I often get emails from friends or family.  Occasionally I get an email from someone I haven't heard from in a while like today.

Tim is someone I got to know through the dating website sometime last year.  I haven't spoken to him for ...  hmm, well I can't remember how long and today he sent me an email to say 'hi, how's things'.  Now that's the kind of email I like to get.

My blog - I'm not so bothered about FB and I've not been seduced by twitter yet (still, fighting that one) but my blog?

 I love my blog :)

And now, in time honored tradition I shall tag someone else to do the same:

Hmmm, who have I left alone for a while ....

Sif from At the bottom of the Garden - your posts are so interesting and diverse I bet you have some unusual favorites!


Sooo, back to a few things I love about me ('let's not forget today, it IS all about me').

1)  I may be a cranky bitch in the mornings but, although I may rip your head off I will also pick up the pieces and stick them back together again with love and hugs and, above all, I will tell you I'm sorry.

I wrote a post ages ago on the importance of saying sorry and I still stand by it.  If I am in the wrong I will say so, I will hold my hand up and I will accept responsibility. (and I will try VERY hard not to do it again)

2)  I am not a princess - I don't expect people to run around after me.  I don't sit back expecting others to do all the work.  I'm always hugely grateful when someone makes an effort for me particularly when it's out of the blue with no expectation of reward.  It's just because they want to do something nice for me.  I don't think 'I deserve'  or 'I am worth' or have any of those self centered characteristics (at least, I don't think I do).  That doesn't mean I don't think I have a value just that I am not egocentric (despite the title of this post, I don't think it's all about me :).

3)  If you are my friend you can ring me at 4am (I'll probably still be awake anyway) and I will listen to you.  I will be there for you.  I will drag my ass out of bed and COME to you if you need me.

4)  If I love you, I love you - that's it really.

You don't have to continually prove yourself to me.  You don't have to earn my love (you already have it).  All you have to do is respect it, take care of it and love me back and you will always have my love.  If you fail to do those things and you lose my love, well, (even though you may not think so) it is your loss.

5)  I'm generous with my time and possessions - what's mine is yours.  I'm not precious about possessions - I don't own anything of great value but I will lend/give you anything I have if you want/need it  (particularly if you said you needed a small black and white cat ;)

I can be my own worst enemy when it comes to my time.  Ask me to do something for you and I'll probably say yes.  Chair the PTA?  Oh, ok.  Paint park benches?  Why not.  Weed the wall outside your house while I am doing mine (my neighbour this morning) I'd LOVE to!

Actually, to be fair, my neighbour is getting on a little and hasn't been well and, despite our differences (we have come a long way since the chainsaw incident) she's ok really!

Ok, 5 will do for now and it's time for my promised daily shout out:

I discovered this blog only yesterday but this is most definitely MY favorite post of the week so far:

Mommatwo - I will be catching up on past posts just as soon as I can and I'm looking forward to reading all the ones to come.

(Go on, take a look, tell me it's not a great post, I DARE you :)

200

Wow, I can hardly believe that today I am publishing my 200th post!


200 posts in less than 9 months??  


Madness ...


Actually, I may not have even noticed until it was too late had it not been for B at B Being Cool - she reached 200 posts a couple of days ago which prompted me to check mine (thank you B x :).


So, 200 posts since the 1st of April this year!!!  (oh yes, the irony of my first posting being April Fools Day does not escape me;).


I wasn't really sure what to do now.  How should I mark this momentous occasion??


I thought about a recap of my favorite posts.  


I thought about talking stats ect but to be honest, I don't really follow them much (mostly because I don't actually understand them).


So I thought I use this post as a way to say thank you.  


Thank you to everyone who follows my blog you mad but lovely people.


Thank you for reading what I have to say.  Thank you so much for all of your comments and feed back.  Thank you for your blogs.  You've made me laugh, you've made me cry, you've made me think, you've made me scratch my head in total confusion.


(I'm really thinking I SHOULD have bought that bloody dress now, this is turning into an Oscar speech!)


Anyway, It's been a bit of a roller coaster year for me.  


I've been right at the top looking out with the whole world spread in front of me, nothing but clear blue skies.


I've been plunged to the bottom  leaving my heart (and stomach) behind, my view of the future blocked.


But mostly I've been whizzing around, looping the loop, hanging on for dear life, trying very hard not to puke over you all :)


Ok, it's time for a few mentions - people who have played a big part in this blog right from the start.


That isn't at all discounting those of you I've managed to ensnare a little further down the line. But, I can, in all honesty say that without these people I may not have made it past the first few weeks 


Allison Tate from Life in a Pink Fibro - I'm sure many of you already know Allison for a her great blog and from the Weekend Rewind which used to come from the Fibro.


Allison gave me my very first comment and I'm sure you all remember just how special THAT is.  Thank you Allison! x


Frau Fancy from I'm so Fancy - One of my very first blogging buddies.  She may be a rich asshole but I love her anyway AND she passed me my first blogging award :)


Romina from Martyr-hood - Funny, clever, beautiful (actually, far too bloody beautiful!) and mother to some beautiful babes.


Lou from Our Home in the Sun (or waiting to emigrate as was) - Lou and I have become firm friends and I'm sure we always will be despite her move to the States.


Gemma from My Big Nutshell - another of my first blogging buddies.  We have shared tales of woe about our respective shitty kitchens ~(I won!) and although she is taking a brief blogging break I know she will be back hopefully fully restored very soon.


Todd from No Rain on my Suede - he cracks me up but where ya bin lately Todd???


Anne from Domesblissity - she's just sooo lovely!


Catherine from Inside Out - A beautiful blog and a beautiful lady :)


Gill from Ink Paper Pen - the genius behind WoW -  the Write on Wednesday group I link up to each week where I also have many blogging friends.  (this is a big shout out for all of you too:)  Take a look if you have a little time, there's some real talent there!


Mrs Woog from Woogs World - In my very early days of blogging I asked Mrs Woog a question - I had no idea of her mega blog status at that time but lovely lady that she is she didn't slap me down or ignore me as some may have done but in fact sent me a lovely email answering my question.


Ok, this list could go on and on (no really, it could!) but you would grow bored and I would lose the will to live.


I KNOW I have left out many of my favorite blogs and I'll be kicking myself later so what I shall do is include a link to a favorite blog each day in my posts for the rest of the month.  


Suffice to say, if I follow you it's because I think you are awesome (and if you take a look at my blog list you may well find some great reads you haven't come across before).


Thanks as well to all my friends who (unintentionally) have given and I'm sure will continue to give me so much blog fodder and especially my children who are a constant source.


Thank you SA - you gave me many things including:


The encouragement to get this blog off the ground in the first place.


Inspiration and material for more than one post.


And of course  a name for my blog. 


So yes, while I'm thanking you I also feel quite justified in saying:


IT'S ALL YOUR BLOODY FAULT! ;)  x