Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Epic Fail Part 3

So, Internet dating ....

It's a bit of a jungle out there guys.

If you read yesterdays post then you will know that people aren't always who they say they are.

A comment from my lovely Lou made me think about my own motivation here.

I know it wasn't your intention Lou but the truth is, I'm doing this for a bit of fun.  I'm not looking for a relationship right now.  I have far too many things on my plate already to even think of having to consider someone else amd to be honest, I doubt there are many people who would consider me much of a catch right now.

Anyway, I haven't lied to anyone.  The photos of me on the site are genuine.  If I did agree to go on a date with someone then I would be up front about the whole thing because that's the way I am.

I guess the difference between 'David' and I is that I would give people choices based on the truth. Integrity is something I value very highly in myself and in others.

In other words, don't bullshit me, I'm dealing with enough crap alreay thanks!

Moving on ...  Never let it be said that I allowed introtrospection to stand in the way of a good blog post :)

I thought I'd share a few tips and hints with any men out there who a) might be (or are already) contemplating the dating scene and b) actually want to get a date out of it :)

Badoo it pretty crap in that it doesn't let you write your own profile.  Basically you get a a preordained tick list so everything is very generic, very samey, very interchangeable.

This means that your photo is even more important.  It's the only individual thing that you have.

The truth is, I'm not going to message you (or reply to a message) if you are wearing ANY of the following:

A nappy (and sucking a dummy)
An anorak
A bird on your head
A fez
An orange curly wig
A plastic green rain hat

If you are naked (or appear naked) - If you are dressed as a Tellytubby - If you are a dot in the distance - Draped all over another woman - Lying in a pool of your own vomit - Pouting - Or your photo is of animal from the Muppets (altho I DO have a certain fondness for animal;)

If you have huge nostrils (and yes, Badoo has chosen my 'up the nose' shot as MY profile picture but as I never tire of pointing out, that is an ART shot ok!) - If you have an even bigger overbite - If you are licking a truncheon - If you call yourself Tally Wacker or Spunky or even King Jiz the chances are I'm not going to fall over myself to go on a a date with you.

If you are called Jerry (bearing in mind that I am Mindy in R&R's fantasy) I would probably give you a wide berth purely because I would feel obliged to assume Margots persona from the Goodlife and while I'm pretty sure I could carry off the pseudo snobbery fairly well, I really couldn't be arsed to dust all those ornaments.

If you could avoid ALL of the above AND manage a message without sexual innuendo that sounded semi normal then your luck could be in.

Did I say LUCK???  Haha, lets not forget, it's ME they might end up going on a date with ;)

The chances are I'd break a limb, be mistaken for a hooker or jinx their car in some way.

So ...  I've just logged onto the site for a quick look and - I have 62 unread messages, most of which will remain so BUT, I did have this one:

'Hello Sarah, how are you? I am Matt and this is the tricky bit ....the first message....how not to be very dull? how not to be a arse?...how to be interesting and interested, without being the aforementioned arse..?'

Hmm, well, as you all know, I'm quite capable of making a complete arse of myself so he would be in good company ...

(and there's something about that message that reminds me ....)


Anonymous said...

Sarah - now that sounds like the kind of message you should reply to - whether you are actively looking or just having some well earned fun!

Lou :-)

Sarah said...

That was my first reaction Lou but the style of writing, the words he's used ... it's hard to explain.

It's like an echo, so familiar even though I don't know him.

It could have been wrtten by someone else ...

Bugger, that makes no sense at all does it?

Salamander said...

Hi sweetie,

I promise you, I'm laughing my arse off at your posts because they're so damn funny...not at any other type of arse you may have written about ;)

My birthday Mouse sends you big kisses, and would have sent cake if she hadn't murdered it...I promise when she's older, I'll her about you, and January 7th. I'm so glad your day was a bit better.

Now go forth and find thee an unwigged, non-perverted, good-humoured man to have fun with!!! Or not.

Lots of love xxxxx

Sarah said...

Thanks Sal, I hope Mouse had the best. birthday!

I could do with a bit of lighthearted fun a break away from everything else.

Maybe I WILL send a message back (You just know he's going to turn out to be a toupee wearer dont you :).watch this space XXX