Friday, 6 January 2012

If You Could See Me Now ...

Which I am very grateful you can't because you would all be laughing! (but that may well be a post on it's own ;).

Well, it's been a while since my last proper post but obviously 'things' haven't stopped happening to me.

I think I'll start with yesterday ...

My day started far too early, 5:15am to be precise when my alarm went off (deep bloody joy as I'd hardly got any sleep).

I was going to my favourite place in the whole wide world.


Ok, technically it may not be called that but it SHOULD be, it truly is the arsehole of the UK if not the entire world!

Believe me when I say I would NEVER voluntarily go to Shithampton but, unfortunately, I wasn't given a choice yesterday.

So I gritted my teeth, donned protective clothing and assumed my best 'don't mess with me motherf*cker' expression and off I went.

Now, getting to Shithampton SHOULD have be relatively straightforward, 2 trains, 2 hours.

But hey, this is ME remember ;)

All went smoothly at first.

My train was on time, we got to my next station without delay and my connection was running to time.

2 minutes before the connection was due there was an announcement.

'All passengers to Shithampton please change to platform 3'

Cue mad dash upstairs, across a bridge, down stairs. All the while being battered by cases and tripping over small children before piling onto the train, elbowing old ladies out of the way and finally sinking into a seat.

Great ...

Hmmm, that was until .... 'Passenger announcement.

'This train will no longer be stopping at Shithampton'

F U C K!!

The damned train was already moving!!!

Eventually it transpired that in order to get to Shithampton I would now have to change trains again at Eastleigh.

Ok, I was pretty sure Eastleigh WAS at least in Hampshire so we were heading in the right direction!

Halfway to Eastleigh and there was an almighty CRASH.

A bloody tree fell on the train!

I don't mean we just hit a stray branch on the line. I mean a WHOLE sodding tree came crashing down, hit the roof of the train and rolled the length of it!

That had to be the end of the drama right?


Eventually after a delay of about half an hour to check for damage to the train (sod the fact that the passengers were in a state of shock) we reached Eastleigh and, according to the board, the connection to Shithampton was running on time and due in just a couple of minutes.

Then, 'passenger announcement'.

The train to Shithampton has been cancelled'


No, alternative, no reason, no apology, nothing!!

Eastleigh may or may not be a very nice place, I have no idea but I needed to get to Shithampton and I needed to get there NOW!

To cut a long story short, I hopped in a taxi and paid a small fortune for the privilege of getting to a place that I had no desire to go to in the first place!

Since I had been given no choice however I decided to treat it as a mini break. I even took a photo of the sights for you all:

one of the nicer views :)


Well, business was concluded in oh .... about 5 bloody minutes so all I needed to do now was get home.

Simple ....

First train, great ...

Off at the connecting station.

Found a guard and asked which platform I needed and ...

'Your best best is to get back on the train you just got off, there isn't a connection from here for another 3 hours '...

That would be the train with whistles blowing and doors closing??

Thankfully a guard at the other end saw me running and held a door for me.

Stressed beyond belief I made it back onto the train well away from the nose picker (did I mention him?).

Of all disgusting bodily habits nose picking is my least favourite.  To be honest I'd rather someone farted, at least that's generally involuntary but nose picking?  YUCK  and Id been sitting opposite one of those for the last 45 minutes swinging between wanting to shout, 'get your damn finger out of your bloody nose you disgusting little oike' and longing to smack the back of his head so hard he would have to have his finger surgically removed (neither of which I actually did but thinking about it gave me quite a lot of pleasure!).

Anyway, as I said, well away from him only to discover I'd lost my bloody purse!!!

As the last place Id had it was on the train (so thank god Id got back on!)  I shot back up the aisle identifying my seat by the nose picker who fortunately hadn't got off (I could have kissed him but ...) and there in my seat was a woman who had just got on.

'Have you seen my' ....

This she said waving a magazine in my face.

No, I left that because it was a load of shite.  Have you seen my purse.

The lying bitch actually had the cheek to say she hadn't seen it so I told her to get up so I could have a proper look and, surprise, surprise, there it was tucked down the seat by her side!!  Now I don't do small purses.  This one is about 15cm long and bulging with various crap that I stuff into it so when she feigned surprise at it being there I looked her in the eye and we both knew she was a lying bitch!

It was at this point that I realised that although Id been told to get back on this train I actually had no idea where it was going or at which station I should change.

Bristol apparently!

Now geography isn't my strong point but Shithampton to Taunton via Bristol???

Bristol train station is pretty big with lots of platforms so it seemed easier to ask which one I needed. 

The extremely 'helpful' guard pointed to the electronic notice board and very sarcastically said, 'like it says, platform 10'.

Asshole!! (I may well have said that out loud;).

That HAD to be the end of it really didn't it?

Lying back in the seat I closed my eyes only to be assailed with a waft of apples.

'Im gonna see my dog Syrus' said a very slurred voice.

SHIT, this ALWAYS happens to me!!!

Nice I said, eyes still closed hoping without any real hope that he would just go away.

'Yep, I love that dog, mothers a fucking bitch but I love that dog'.

Actually I think my stops coming up I said.

Mine too he replied in apparent delight slopping what was left of his cider all over me.  Where abouts do you live. (oh yes cause I was really telling HIM).

I managed to loose him by sprinting for the door and running like f*ck for the exit but that bastard was too fast for me.

Are you stalking me I heard him say as I walked up the road.

I'd really had enough by now.  I was knackered, pissed off and just wanted to get home without being accosted, sent via Istanbul or hit by another bloody tree.

YOU are the one following ME I practically shouted in his face.

He stopped, looked me up and down and then said:

Well, your a fine looking woman but a bit tall for me and then ran down the road!!

I shit you NOT - look, I got a photo of him for you:

never let it be said my admirers aren't high class!

And that my dear fudgers was yesterday .....

Don't go away, I have more ;)


joeh said...

Ouch!! Why is it the people on trains take more time trying to make you feel like an asshole than they would take to just nicely tell you which platform!!

Damn, sorry about your day.
And, sorry about that comment, but you are a little too (hic) tall for me!

Cranky Old Man

Carmen said...

There's more? im exhausted already... i cant imagine how you must feel!!!!

Anonymous said...


It could only happen to you hun...
And as my youngest, Henry always says - bad shit has to happen to good people because only they can deal with it! I don't quite understand his logic but he is only 12 and everyone knows that bad shit does only ever happen to good people, so maybe he's right and it is a bit of a test or something!!!

Can't wait for the next installment.

Love you
Lou :-)

Anonymous said...

I don't know if it's any consolation to know how much I enjoyed reading about your misfortune, but I loved this. There aren't many people who have more power to mess with our lives and our heads than those who run railways once we pass through their ticket barrier.

They should make a new TV series - Great Railway Nightmares of the World. This could be the first episode.

pam said...

Glad you're metaphorically home
I needed a laugh :) x
PS. I know someone who likes Shithampton! Extraordinary!

AGuidingLife said...

Omg I need a week in bed just after reading that lot.

Sarah said...

Ah Joe, I knew I recognised that face from somewhere ;)

Completely knackered Carmen - the day that started at 5:15am ended by my getting home at about 5pm!

Love you too Lou :) If Henry is right I'm turning baaaad ;) x

Great idea hfbstest - I have a couple more train stories lurking - glad it gave you a laugh , I usually manage to smile at my misfortune eventually :)

PP - I DO NOT BELIEVE IT!! What is there to possibly like about Shithampton ...??? x

Haha, me too K and the really exhausting bit didn't even get a mention;)