Monday, 25 April 2011

A Tight Squeeze (part one)

This week it's all about power at The Lounge, I was a bit stuck to know what to write about really but I haven't linked up for a while so I wanted to find something.

I did a search on my posts to see what would come up if I typed in power and I was surprised just how many posts it found.

I guess this post is about seizing back the power so here it is:

you  CANNOT make these sexy!

After my post 'Women's Best Kept Secret' I had several comments extolling the benefits of control pants.

As I was writing from the perspective of someone who had never actually worn the things but had gained all her knowledge from Bridget Jones, I decided that maybe it was time I actually put my money where my muffin top is and gave them a go!


First of all I discovered how wrong I was in my assumption that control pants were simply control pants. I whizzed into Marks and Sparks expecting to grab a pair, my only choice being whether to choose black or natural tan. I was slightly nonplussed however to be confronted with a veritable plethora of styles, shapes and sizes.


There's the thong (I thought we were holding it in, not letting it all hang out!), a hideous looking thing, like cheese wire attached to a huge stretchy cummerbund. I'm not letting THAT anywhere near my nether regions, Id be scared of being sawn in half!

The high waisted pants, a bit like ordinary 'big' pants with an oversized waistband.

The ones that look a little like tights that have been sawn off at the knees and come right up to your boobs.

Then there were the added extras. Did I want powermesh? For some reason this just reminded me of the pressure washer and my enthusiasm last year in blasting anything and everything in the garden including half the rendering off the garden wall.

I could have a bodysuit with padding, boneing,  under-wire, detachable straps and suspenders, well, quite frankly, I have something very similar already in black silk and lace which I'm pretty sure (in the moment of passion) would detract from any errant rolls of flesh anyway.

Some of them solved the question of 'how the bloody hell do you go to the loo' by being CROTCHLESS!! Is it only me that thinks that just renders the whole point of knickers well ........  pointless?

Other have either hooks and eyes or popper fastenings at the crotch to allow easy access and flow.

You wont catch me out with THAT one!!!

I remember my clubbing days when the 'body' was in fashion. Yes it gave you a sleek outline and no, you didn't have to worry about it becoming untucked. But try going to the loo in one when you're pissed ? Forget it!!

Scrabbling round trying to undo poppers when I could barely stand unaided. Giggling like a maniac while I peered at my crotch trying to focus on itsy, bitsy hooks and eyes and eventually grabbing the material with both hands an ripping the damn thing off in desperation with an accompanying TA DA, the sound of little bits of metal ricocheting off the cubical walls before my poor over loaded bladder gave up the unequal struggle and I pee'd myself.

Many's the time I've chuckled to myself as some poor girl (having failed to lock the door properly) has come head first at a gallop out of a cubicle, jeans round her ankles, clutching her dignity and landed face down on the floor.

I did eventually narrow my choices down and so, £26.99 lighter I left clutching my carrier bag and scuttled home before I could either bumped into someone I knew who could enquire about my purchase or (horror of horrors) give in to my latent tenancy to Coprolalia and stand in the middle of the store waving my big knicks over my head shouting fuck, fuck, SHAAAAG leaving everyone in no doubt that I thought I might just be on to a winner wearing these.


Anonymous said...

Thank you for giving my Easter Monday a little bit more excitement...the control pants themselves as funny enough - but to be reminded of those fateful 80's days when I too was that half-pissed girl struggling in the loo with either poppers or hooks and eyes, in a desperate attempt to get them open before the desire to pee took over - was just too much for my sens eof humour and I have literally been crying with laughter at thr evoked memories.

Thank you thank you thank you

Anonymous said...

I have yet to find the perfect control garment. I live in hope! I need one for Thursday and have narrowed it down to a final three. Bet you're dying to know who makes the cut!

Sarah Mac said...

Maybe we should 'share' our 80's disasters Lou and post some photo's too? (you first:).

Mine are having their first outing on Thursday too Sarah, maybe we can share experiences on Friday?

Marlee said...

Ha I saw the title of your blog and I just had to read! I love your writing style, very witty! I laughed so hard at the last paragraph!


Sarah Mac said...

I live in horror Marlee of the things I might say, I have little enough control over the things I do!

Gemma @ My Big Nutshell said...

That is hilarious! I swear my special nana pants just push my muffin top higher!

Sarah Mac said...

And mine nearly made my foot explode!! ( part two explains how:)

todd carr said...

my goodness, I can't imagine. pressing my goods up against my body like that. having the freedom to pee at will taken away. I've seen special men's underwear that encourages a pronounced stance of our lit'l jimmy. I haven't bought or worn a pair but your post has got me thinkin. haha

Sarah Mac said...

They make them for men too???? Haha, now that's got ME thinking!!

Life In A Pink Fibro said...

PMSL at the 'body' comments - I think I was in the same Ladies loos as you and the tumbling women were hysterical.

Thanks for Rewinding at the Fibro!

Anonymous said...

The day a control brief is developed that is both attractive, functional AND comfortable will be the day hell freezes over! I've decided to start a trend in caftans for all seasons and avoid the need to hide lumps and bumps!

Sarah Mac said...

Possibly I might have been one of those women on occassion!

Haha, the caftan! My Mum used to have one in bright orange. She stood out on the beach like a belisha beacon! I swear it was so voluminous whole families used to take shade under it and when the sun was behind her she used to glow and guide ships in!

Daisy, Roo and Two said...

LOL! Loved this post! I'm frightened of control pants also, especially after three years of maternity wear/comfort.

Naomi said...

I remember those bloody body suits.... and the attempts to undo them pissed. So funny!

Anonymous said...

waiting for next post

Lara at This Charming Mum said...

Ha ha! Oh God, so many things to cringe about here. Why do we do these things to ourselves?? Thanks for sharing this one at The Lounge this week. I needed a laugh :)

Anonymous said...

This one had me laughing and squirming at the same time!
I recently had my own control garment disaster. I had bought the most beautiful dress for a wedding only to spend the entire night sitting down in discomfort.
I say NO to control wear. They blow. Thanks for linking up for the Power in The Lounge! Robo X

Sarah said...

Glad it made you laugh Lara - I've stopped doing it and I'm letting it all hang out these days ;-)

God, HOW uncomfortable are they Robo? Mine have been relegated to the deepest depths of my wardrobe!